And Again....

Blah blah blah. Thats all I can seem to hear outta everyones muth anymore. They have no clue what I am going thru or what the fuk this feels like. Ha yea you understand!!! JOKE!!! No one understands unless they ARE ME or sumone exactly like me and then in that case I feel quite sorry for that person bcz I dont even like or wanna be me so god forbid theres another me out there. Tech its day 11 less you count my lil "slip" on fri then its day 3. Personally I do not count a 20 as a relapse. Yea I felt shitty yesterday and my cravings were outta the world but I got a full 8 hours of sleep thanks to my lil green pill and I feel pretty good today. Well as good as I can feel.

I dont know if its "normal" or if its just me but this last 11 days has been a rabbit hole of past endevores. Shit I didnt even remember til now. Shit I blocked out. Feeling quite nastaligic today. Every song I hear is related to some fragmented screwed up drug induced memory and as effed up as those times were I cant help debating weather I am really cut out for this suburban housewife/soccer mom position. I mean is it fair to them to pretend to be sumthing I am so CLEARLY not. I think a lot of times my girls wud be soooo much better off without my influence. I mean we are talking about the mom that made a game outta going to score. My kids even knew my dealer as Uncle B lol. Not really funny just so disconected I cant even believe thats my story.

Sad part is I really do TRY to be a good mom. I do the parks, water parks, arts and crafts, so on and so forth but emotionaly I am about as accessable as ft knox. We all know that bitch is empty just like me. I havent got a clue how to do this shit without my inner strength of H. It gave me the feelings most mothers are equipt with naturally. Same shud be said as for being a wife and doing the wifely things like clean and cook. Now I am just like why? You do it. I dont care if you work & days a week. Whats that gotta do with me?? I dont get to benefit anymore. God my head is tottally screwed up.

I am thinking I might go get another 20. But then why stop there?? Oh i dont know. Maybe I should try but seriously whats the point. I am not gonna be one of those sober ppl in the suburbs who is HIGH on fukn life. Sorry life cant get me as high as I need to be to stomach this bullshit.

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Here it goes...

I guess ill start by saying who I am. My name is angel nd im 29 mom, wife, and firsta junkie. I have so much inside that if it doesn't cum out ima flip. Ive used every drug since I was 19 and been un and out of rehab, out patient, detox, physc wards, icu for od's. And til recently I didnt care not did I car if I died or stopped using. Things have changed tho. I got married, bought my first house(well he did) nd am trying to raise 4 beautiful girls. Wat a shitty break they got huh. Husband had no clue I was a freakin dope feign nd my kids kno mommy needs meds to be not sick so we can just go to park. Sad so effed up nd sad. Well within the last few months ive not spiraled but free fell down a horrible hole of all consuming heroin.that's all I cared about nd stopped trying to even hide it or keep up appearances. I hit my so called "rock bottom" about 2 weeks ago. I tried with no success to kill my self. Husband stopped the first one nd apparently the freakin pole I chose to ram my car into was apparently not strong enough to do wat I needed or shud say really desperstly wanted it to do. So here I sit after a 2 day stint in detox nd saying scree this I came home nd was determined to get clean. This is my first attempt since finding my best friend nd lover H. Its like a warm fuzzy hug no matter when where or why. It always understands. But im on day 7 and im not feeling to bad. Restless legs no sleep til I got ahold of sum benzos last night nd finally got 7 hrs of sleep. But my problem is depression, anxiety, nd of course my ever dying love nd craving for my doc. Its so close but so far nd I kno if giving the situation I wud be done nd used. Thankfully ive kinda stander myself nd have no way to get anything. I gotta do this or ima die nd I kno deep inside sumwhete I truly dont wanna die yet.