Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Quick word about my new profile picture


I wanted to write a quick short post about my newly added profile pic. Its very accurate nd up yo date considering I literally just took it then added to my profile. Mind yu its 1 sumthin in tgd morning, im on day 5 of detoxing, nd I have done nothing to improve my appearance other than shower these last 5 days. So that is me NOW. Now the reason I wanted to write real quick is I want yu to go back in one of my first few posts nd look at the pic of me from last year June/July then look at my profile pic. I started my affair with heroin a year ago this month. Before this started I had started at low level pain pills nd worked my way up to oxygen then opanas wen they gelled the Oxy's. Was just to expensive nd I got more bang for my Buck with dope. At least at first. Niavely I didnt even think I wud a year later be shooting it, lost EVERYTHING, nd going from physically terrified of death to welcoming it like an old friend. I was also totally oblivious to the changes going on to my appearance. The pic shows the weight ive shed. 140 sumthing to 114. At least as of boot 2 wks ago im probly a lil less by now. Showers and most hygiene shit just stopped nd I just didnt have time for sumthin like a shower. Wen I was dope sick it hurt nd wen I was high I was afraid it fuk up my high. Throwing up so much nd poor hygiene habits nd even worse eating habits have totally destroyed my once very white very pretty often complimented on teeth to teeth that while visibily are worse fir the wear but what yu cant see is the bad part. Dentist said my only option is shaving my teeth down nd getting caps or vineers. which is way to costly or get em pulled nd get dentures. Sad how I can go from that to this in 1 fukn year. Ima post sum more before nd now pics up bcz its just brain numbing to me what I look like these days nd wat I thought I looked like. In my head I still looked like the before pics ill be posting. Only thing I knew was id lost sum weight but I wasnt complaining. I had baby weight to lose anyways. My youngest is only 17 months. Natural to lose weight. Yea not like this tho. Now wth the heroin haze gone I actually see wat I look like and ill be honest im disgusted. This is NOT ME!!!

Day 5...AGAIN!!


Well folks here I sit at almost 1am on day 5 clean. A few weeks back I admitted myself to the nut ward for medical detox nd wat I thought was an opportunity to go on a state voucher to the hospitals inpatient rehab center. I had gone wen I was 23 nd have been desperately tryin to get there to get thru this addiction. My addiction last time was coke. I was moderately sober for a while after that. And by that I mean I had no physical addictions. Ironically the first time I ever tried dope was wen I got outta there and was dating nd hanging with ppl I met while there tht were all there for yu guessed it heroin addiction. I fukn hated it!!!!I puked for like 3 days nd I walked in on them shooting up nd it freaked me the fuk out. So bad so I never spoke to any of them ever again. Kinda ironic here it's almost 6 yrs later to the day sincd I was there nd had the hospital of sent me id be the one there for dope. Wonder who I wuda befriended. But alas I didnt qualify. Why yu ask? Oh bcz I have fukn Medicaid. To those not familiar wth wat tht is its state health ins. Like ppl who get welfare nd food stamps nd get Medicaid. Well bcz I actually had state health ins tht wuda paid I didnt qualify. Only ppl with no health ins or financial means qualify. Wat a fukn joke. Im begging everyone that ive been taught that are the ppl to go to for help nd not one person has helped me. So of course I get sent home after 2.5 days in the nut ward. Well guess wat folks the next day I had court where I legally lost custody of my 3 youngest girls. Then I was hit with divorce papers nd legal papers stating my car nd our home are solely in my husbands name so I must surrender my car nd im not allowed in the house without his consent nd I must turn over any nd all keys to both. Also if I ever get my shit together nd actually get bak to court nd im giving custody of my kids back I have to fight him for my youngest in divorce court. Well considering hes already filed im pretty sure ill never get her back bcz we'll be in divorce court before ill ever get bak to court for my kids. So sad. I was totally honest about everything nd more or less got on my fukn knees nd begged everyone from my piece of shit public defender up to the social worker to the judge to please just put me in a fukn rehab. A semi long term inpatient rehab. Deff no less than 30 days nd preferably 60-90. Wanna know sumthin funny? Everyone of them told me good luck nd yur on yur own. Here's a list try these places. Most of which only accept private ins or cash. Lots of cash. So wen I left court I had nothing nd no where to go nd not a dime. I did sumthin really dumb nd sold sum gold jewelry nd was stunned wen I got 390 for it. Well tht changed my mood. I now had money nd was able to pay my "friends" the 40 I owed them so I Aldo gad a place to lice. So on our way to Ohio we go nd within 2 hrs if court I was blissfully in my heroin haze. I remained that way for the next 11-13 days. But over that time my husband calmed down. We started seeing each other even had a wonderful day with our daughter at the museum center. I finally stated I wished we cud just go home. Mind yu he thought I was still clean nd had no clue where I was actually staying. Well I was just done with it I guess nd I was honest with him last Thurs nd said ive been using nd im staying at so nd so but I really wanna cum home. I got barraged wth many nasty things nd I wad everything but a white woman. This went on for several hours. To thr point I actually said fuk it nd turned my phone off. He showed up a while later nd just so happened after being very fukn dope sick all day we were finally about to go score. Now I knew in my gut I shud go with him. I needed to go with him. That if I didn't go with him ill lose everything forever nd ill have to accept my life as a junkie bcz GE wont look back. Wat did I do yu say? Well I started a fight so I cud storm off nd say bye nd be able to blame him for me staying. Usually tht mixed wth my heroin hazed brain I wuda felt little to no guilt. Funny thing happened tho. With every hit...1-2-3...I felt more nd mire guilt. So I txt him nd blantintly asked him to come bak nd get me. He got me at almost midnight last Thursday. I left knowing once I got yo our house I wud basically be in jail. Stuck here wth no way to go anywhere nd I was gonna go thru withdraws. The only things I had for my upcoming detox battle was half a 8ng suboxin nd 10 vistaril from wen I was in the nut ward. Well its now day 5 nd while I didnt feel great my detox was not bad. Now im fighting crazy mania, sleeplessness until im exhausted nd pass out for a few not deep sleep hours and the worst thing the war going on inside me between the 2 "MD's" The addict me nd the non addict me. Its an epic battle nd im rooting for the non addict me but the addict me is a fukn prized fighter with a helluva upper cut so I guess we'll have go see how far I can go. Gonna try to sleep nd wake up on day 5 nd just ask God nd hold my strength to hopefully make it thru to day 6. Really I havd to take it 1 day, hour, min at a time. IIf I dont ill lose nd non addict me with be KO'd. by addict me's. upper cut. Ill try to post daily but all depends on my mind status nd if I can bcz im posting from my phone. Wish me luck. I have everything to gain nd nothing left to lose!!!

Thursday, October 11, 2012


. Well its been a while since ive written an actual post and for partly good reason. My life has officially spirialed outta control nd literally fallen apart. Eveerything that I was clinging to nd in a way using as my "excuse" as to why even tho obviously having an addiction to dope nd "trying" to get clean I still had a pretty good life and didnt consider myself to be as bad off as other ppl I knew specialy like the girls that was in that "treatment" center I attended for 2.5 days bak in June. I used the fact that 99% of the girls in the place were not like me such as they had criminal records, prostituted theirselves, were homeless, had lost custody of their kids, had lost meaningful relationships with non addict ppl I.e husbands, friends, family. nd the fact that the place was basically used for Dept of corrections nd 99% of the girls were ordered there by dept. of corrections nd most gladly took the chance to go bcz even tho it was like jail to me sumone that was not in actual jail nor was I accustomed to actual jail most of them were nd from what I gathered from convos with them that place was like a huge step up nd considerably better than actual jail or the other portion was homeless nd trickin to support their habbits nd lives nd having a bed, shower, clean clothes nd surroundings, 3 meals a day plus snacks nd drinks readily available, nd the program providing a safe environment that as long as yu work the uentire program at the end they get yu set up with housing, work, getting legal issues nd custody issues resolved nd making sure they have access nd set up with programs nd ppl to help ensure yu stay successful nd help prevent there relapse. I used the fact that I was not in those dire situations nd didnt intend to complete the total program bcz I didnt need housing nd other things like that bcz I had custody of my kids, I had a solid marriage to a non addict I had relationship wth my family nd friends, I wasnt homeless bcz we owned our own home with all the electronics nd home furnishings every suburbanite could ever want, we owned several cars, we were ok financially bcz the money I spent was my extra money for things like naiSo ls or getting my hair done. So bcz I felt like I wasnt in the same dire situation as those girls and the girls on the waiting list that was many months long I rationalized takin myself tht by me being there was selfish nd I was taking a spot from sumone who needed it much more than I did nd their life mighta depended on getting in there nd I used that to make it ok to leave and to make it ok to everyone else as well. Granted I did not like the way they made yu feel like yu was in jail but treatment is treatment nd had I of stayed I wudn be where im at today. At a friends house on her couch nd have lost it all. My house, my husband, my kids, my self worth. Everything. So ive decided im done. Im going to our local hospital nd im telling them I need to get clean nd if I cant im going home nd overdosing on purpose. Im done with this whole situation. If im lucky they'll give me a state paid voucher to go down to a rehab the hospital runs nd I really wanna go to this one. I just hope they keep me nd they qualify me bcz if I dont qualify then ill stay in the psych ward for a few days nd then ill get released. I dont wana get released. So here goes nothing. Hopefully the next time I write to yu all I have sum decent clean time nd ive finally gotten sum help nd hopefully tht means ive gotten my kids, husband, nd life back.