I just wanted to write a quick post kinda of prempting the posts I am going to be putting up through out the day and over the following couple days. As I posted a few weeks back I had came home with my husband because I had just had enough. I had had a horrible turn of events in my life and all the things I used to say made me "not that bad", like owning my own home/car, having a great marriage with my husband, not losing custody of my kids bcz social services got involved, never spending money that wasnt "extra" and not having to resport to doing things I said I would NEVER do in order to get my shit, and to me worst of all I crossed that line that I swore I would NEVER cross and moved from snorting it for almost a year to iv around mid Aug to begining of Sept and within 6 weeks of the first time I shot up I had lost it all. My husband filed for divorce, social services got involved and the courts took temp custody from me and placed my kids seperately with diff family members and was told i could get them back only if I completed a rehab program however there was nothing they could or would do to help me get into a program that I was on my own with that and quite quickly I figured out that it was MUCH harder to get into a rehab and get treatment for heroin than it actually was to get the shit, and ridiciously expensive if you didnt have private Ins. which I didnt as most addicts that are grown adults dont have private ins bcz most of us cant hold down a good enough job or any job at all long enough to get health benefits unless your one of the very few "functioning addicts". While i was some where betwen a functioning addict and a full blown junkie I had a lil bit of both sides in me. I could fully function in the life I had led for quite some time. I was a stay at home mom and my "job" was to take care of my kids, my husband, my home and make sure we stayed stocked on food, personal hygene products, household products, etc. basically I was the cook,maid,laundry matt,personal assistant, book keeper, accountant, personal shopper, teacher, counciler, mommy, and wife. The only thing I didnt seem to be was MYSELF. but then again who was MYSELF. I honestly didnt know and honestly still dont know who the REAL me is. I only know the addict me and then the me that has all these wants and needs and hopes and dreams of a life that I know I can have because I had it I just fucked it all up before it ever really got started because of my addiction, lying, decietfulness, and habit of fuking up EVERYTHING whenever I get at all close to achieveing real happiness. So anyways I came home and attempted to get clean...again. I made it a whole 8 days and then my death benefits checks came for my 1st husband. I dont get a ton just a couple hundred bucks but to someone that was only 8 days clean it was like hitting the fuckin lottery. Now I did try to make arraingements to keep me from getting them,cashing them, and then wasting it on dope and totally screwing up my clean time and the last chance I had to fix my marriage and not be a homeless squatting junkie. But alas I couldnt shake the addict behaviour totally. I gave my husband all but $60 but thats all I needed. now I had planned to only get a $20 but that $20 turned into a half and lasted me 3 days and the 2 days following my 3 days binge I was right back at square 1 and felt like garbage. Now I wasnt as bad as the forst go with WD's but it was not fun or pleasent and by the middle of day 2 of course that opportunity sukhow will drop itself in my lap and I had $100 and another half and then just bcz I got a $40 the next day but my reasoning was the 40 was of some high grade very strong fire ass dope while the half I had got was just yur run of the mill not to great shit but hey it got the job done. So I had made it a total of 8 days. The longest I had been sober since this whole fukd up event started last year about the begining of Oct. But that was it. After that first slip I slid right back into the daily grind of shit only now it was twice as difficult bcz I had no car, no access to money since I gave Brian all of my money minus the $60 I kept back and already spent and I had no one willing to come get me unless they got a nice portion of my dope and I am a stingy drug addict lol. Id rather give them 10 bucks for gas than any of my dope. Specialy when its sooo hard for me to get more and I gotta jump thru hoops just to get it and on top of that gotta jump thru even more complicated hoops to make sure its TOTALLY hidden from my husband who thinks I have been totally sober since the day I came home. He wud kick me out to the street with no where to go and no way to get there with not a penny to my name and no way to get any and wud have those divorce papers drawn back up so fast the ink would still be wet when he signed them.
So anywho, this was posed to be a QUICK post which ment a SHORT post but I guess I had more to say than I thought PLUS i am actually typing on a real computer not my dam phone with its itty bitty touch screen keyboard and all its issues so I guess I got a lil carried away bein able to type normally!! I do type over 60 wpm so I quite enjoy using a real computer compared to my stupid "smart phone" which is anything BUT smart. Im off track again sorry. Back on track...So anyways this "quick" post was to explain the posts that will follow this one from here on out until I inform everyone that the NEW posts were done but that wont be for quite some time. The NEW posts are all entries in a Journal Ive been keeping since I came home few weeks ago. Since I didnt have access to the internet and the only computer I have access to is my husband I couldn't type up my entries bcz the last thing I want or need is him reading ANY of my entries in my Journal or on here. So I had a single subject spiral notebook and decided on day 4/5 of my clean days the first week I was home to start writing and let me tell you IT WAS AWESOME. I felt so light after every entry I wouold write. It would amaze me all of the things I had to say when I would write an entry. Everyone got longer and longer and more detailed and more into all the deep dark shit that Ive packed down deep and let fester and just used more and mmore drugs to numb up any of the pain I felt from all the shit Ive been thru. So I have decided I am going to type up each of my journal entries and post them on here. So my first wave of posts will concieve of a total of 10 diff entries. Now these entries are not NORMAL journal entries that are maybe at the longest 3 or 4 pages on a bad day or a long memory. Well I guess bcz I havnt ever wrote down any of my past,present, and everything else and when I would start writing it was like I would go into some dream like state where i was not really contiously there. I was on auto pilot and the ones in control were my brain and my hand. Or maybe it was the other me that was in control when I would write bcz most of my entries are all about things from my life before my addiction got to this point. So i would start writing and kinda go inside myself and wouldnt have any sense of time and no sense of me writing and what I was even saying in my writing. I would snap back into reality and realize I had been writing for an hour or sometimes more and I would number the pages and I would have wrote 10,15, 19, 22 pages in most of them and I had no recolection of what it was I wrote about and would literally have to go back and read the whole thing to know what I had sais and I would be shocked with the things I had chosen to write about and how much I bounced from one thing to the next to the nexxt.
The writings seemed to have in a way purged myself from some of the festering blackness that has eaten me from the inside out for so long and I have need more and more and more dope to supress all the pain and anger caused by this blackness festering away at my core. The more I write the lighter I feel. The more shit I purged the less dope I seemed to crave. Dont get me wrong the physical need is still there so is the mental but with every entry and the more I purge from my blackness the less the strength of the need and want for the dope gets and I seem to be using less and less and actually choosing to go several days without it and suffer minor WD's and I have FINALLY gotten myself into a treatment center and I will be starting that journey on sunday eveniong. First I have to go medically detox yet again in the nut ward for 4-5 days and while there get the all clear on any physical illnesses and health, get checked again for mental illnesses and hopefully this time actually get treated for these issues I know I have and get the all clear that I am not a risk of going bonkers and killing everyone lol, and last but not least be totally ohysically detoxed and be able to pass a urine piss test. I will then get picked up from the hospital when I am discharged and taken strait to the treatme nt center in Indiana. Its about 2 hours from where I live which I am happy about bcz that means no matter how bad I hate the place or freak out my first several days, nd weeks I have no way to leave. I cant walk that far and I am honestly just to dam lazy to pretend to and not one person that I could call to come get me would ever come get me if I said I was leaving. No one wants to be the one that caved in and came to get me early and helped me not complete treatment and probly get back and relapse strait away bcz if ima try and leave it'll be the first few weeks. After that I have faith I will have settled down and settled in quite fine. ANd last but deff not least it is a 4 month program. At first I was like uh hell no thats tooo long. But anything I say are just excuses. I mean how long is to long when it comes to fixing yourself from the inside our and trying to beat an addiction to the most evil shit on earth? I personally dont think theres a actual time limit on how long one shud get treatment for. Everyone is diff and the amount of time one needs will differ from the addict sittin next to you and so on. So it starts out at 4 months and I can extend a month at a time once I get to 4 months up to anothr 6 months. BEST of all THE PLACE IS TOTALLY FREAKIN FREE!!!!
Well ok my hand hurts and I gotta get started on these journal entries. Basically from here on out my posts are gonna start with these that follow me over the first few weeks of coming home and the ping pong of clean/using. After these already written entries are put on here my entries will then follow me thru the journey thru my trip to this rehab and the months that fololow. So for now I gotta go. Its Thanksgiving and I got dope, YUMMY FOOD (gotta love deviled eggs!!!), and spending time with my mommy bcz I dnt have my kids sadly and my husband chose to spend it elsewhere, owell so be it. I got to spend it with my mom and enjoy the day without having to cook and just chill out and eat and spend one last day with my mom and step dad before I go. Ill start posting after I eat later on 2night. Happy Turkey Day everyone!!!!
