Hello Everyone!!! Lol i say that like anyone out there in cyber land has actually wondered about lil ole me and or missed me because I am important right?? Uh well I am important but I sum how do NOT think I have been MISSED on Blogger by any means lol. But on the off chance anyone has been wondering about me and thought I had finally OD'd and have gone on to the fire pits of hell because lets face up til about 3 months ago Heaven was just not in the cards for this Angel lol.
Well in Dec i went to the rehab I had gone to back when I was 23 and had a lot of success with it back then and I had been saying since I "tried" to start getting clean back in June that if only I could go to Falmouth then I knew I would be able to finally quit. Well it sounded good and I was super excited and felt all determined when I finally got accepted and sent down the first of Dec. I was there for a whole 3 days and then I left broke into my mailbox (because I didn't have the key and there was NO WAY my husband was gonna give me the key after I walked outta rehab after 3 days and wanted $500 in checks I had in the mailbox so I could leave with my two new guy friends from rehab that left with me to go get a LOT of dope and blow my money that my husband was depending on to pay opur bills) and then proceeded to get $300 worth of dope and new rigs and then TOTALLY lose conciousness and get robbed for the rest of the money and robbed for a WHOLE lot more from myself from my two new rehab friends. Deff were NOT friends!!! I was robbed, raped by both, and best of all for wat ever reason they didnt think robbing me and raping me while i was knocked out cold and NOT RESISTING AT ALL to burn me with cigarettes in multiple places. Several burns were so bad I had to get medical attention becasue they ended up getting severely infected and were burned down to the actual muscle or meat and I now have bad scars on my legs and hips. I do NOT understand ppl at all. But I have dealt with it accepted it and moved on from it.
After that i was pretty much homeless and bounceing from one "friends" house to the next and paying for weeks in a hotel whenever I could afford to from then until the begining of Feb. During the middle of Jan me and my husband finally started speaking again and I started seein our daughter when he would allow me to, supervised of course so dont start freakin out all you crazies. Then the end of Jan my 5 year old's father decided he couldn't take care of her for me anymore and drove up from Florida and dropped her off to me with literally about 6 hours notice. Yea he called me when he was already on the road on his way to drop her to me not knowing if I even had a place for her to stay or a way to care for her and to his knowledge was very deep into my addiction. But i wasn't shocked because if I explained him you woulod understand but to explain hi8m would require a whole new blogg just on him alone lol. So when she got here luckily I had started to move in a better direction. My addiction was still bad but I had gotten a good job and was able to keep a roof over my head at the hotel I was working at and it was basically like a efficiancy apartment. So I had a kitchen @ beds and nice bathroom, cable, phone, heat & AC, free breakfast and plenty of food and even had clothes and toys for her and was allowed to take her to work with me and mine and my husbands relationship was getting better by the day. Now mind you i was lying to him and he was under the impression I was sober and had been since around mid dec. It was the only way to get him back in my life and get him to let me see my daughter and i wasnt lying about WANTING to be sober because I did BADLY and deep inside I knew the key for getting sober for me was him and my kids. They were going to be the ONLY thing that would EVER push me to just DO IT!!
So begining of FEb he agreed to let me come home because I got fired becaus eI was accused of stealing and I wont lie I did and I did plan to pay it back 2 days later when I got paid but i got caught before I could and I got fired which I deserved becaus eI NEVER should of done what I did but thats what happend when you cant be sick in order to work and couldnt miss work or would lose roof and money so was kinda a catch 22. But he agreed to let me and my 5 yr old come home and thats when I decided this is it. I cant go home and use he will know and that will destroy everything I am trying to get back. So i got myself 2 suboxin and decided i would use those for the first couple days to lessin the sickness so he would know something was wrong and after that I would just stick to it. Well guys I am now VERY PROUD TO SAY....I HAVE BEEN CLEAN AND SOBER EVER SINCE!!! I go to counciling once a week, i see a dr to treat my PTSD and Bi-Polar and my HEp C that i caught because I was stupid. I am working as a housekeeper in a nursing home and the biggest news is I start back to college April 1st and in 18 months I will finally finish my Criminal Justice degree I started years ago and then I will also complete a certification as a Drug and Alcohol counciler becasue I have decided I am goinmt to turn this experince into something good. And I know better than anyone how BADLY people need people around here. Specially someone that UNDERSTANDS what they are giong thru becaus ethey were them once and I am proof positive that if you want it and with hard work and dedication YOU CAN GET YOUR LIFE BACK AND MOVE FORWARD!!! I am also proof that getting clean is NOT a ONE SIZE FITS ALL kinda deal and not EVERYONE needs inpatient rehab, intensive outpatient treatment, AA, NA, or whatever it is your not fond of. No I am proof that some people can do it THERE WAY and DO IT HOWEVER WORKS for THEM and I feel that THATS what should be encouraged and MY DREAM would be to open some kind of TREATMENT Center that is centered around treatment that the addict kinda plans and whatever there path that will work for them is then thats the kind of treatment we would provide for tghem. And it would be treatment BY EX_ADDCICTS!!!!
So yes I have finally cleaned up and I am LOVING SOBRIETY!!! Everyday I wake up and life gets better and better. I wont lie and say everyday is easy bcz its not. I still dream some nights, crave some days, have triggers, get angry, and have lots of self work to do but everyday I get 1 day better and one more day free from being a slave to that evil shit. And my best accomplishment is I am re-marrying my husband and he has started to trust me agian. I look a THOUSAND times better and best of all on Tues I have court and I will officialy get my custody of my girls back and will no longer have CPS in my life and will be done and in there eyes "all better" and I can FINALLY be the great mom my girls deserve and I cant wait to be!!!
Gotta go. Gotta cook dinner and do some house work and enjoy some time with the hubby before bed bcz I have a earmorning at 545 so i can put in another day at work and be a contributing part of my marriage and family!!!
Hope you all are doing ok and everyone is finding their path watever that is. I will write again as soon as I can.
