Ok so a quick post....

I just wanted to write a quick post kinda of prempting the posts I am going to be putting up through out the day and over the following couple days. As I posted a few weeks back I had came home with my husband because I had just had enough. I had had a horrible turn of events in my life and all the things I used to say made me "not that bad", like owning my own home/car, having a great marriage with my husband, not losing custody of my kids bcz social services got involved, never spending money that wasnt "extra" and not having to resport to doing things I said I would NEVER do in order to get my shit, and to me worst of all I crossed that line that I swore I would NEVER cross and moved from snorting it for almost a year to iv around mid Aug to begining of Sept and within 6 weeks of the first time I shot up I had lost it all. My husband filed for divorce, social services got involved and the courts took temp custody from me and placed my kids seperately with diff family members and was told i could get them back only if I completed a rehab program however there was nothing they could or would do to help me get into a program that I was on my own with that and quite quickly I figured out that it was MUCH harder to get into a rehab and get treatment for heroin than it actually was to get the shit, and ridiciously expensive if you didnt have private Ins. which I didnt as most addicts that are grown adults dont have private ins bcz most of us cant hold down a good enough job or any job at all long enough to get health benefits unless your one of the very few "functioning addicts". While i was some where betwen a functioning addict and a full blown junkie I had a lil bit of both sides in me. I could fully function in the life I had led for quite some time. I was a stay at home mom and my "job" was to take care of my kids, my husband, my home and make sure we stayed stocked on food, personal hygene products, household products, etc. basically I was the cook,maid,laundry matt,personal assistant, book keeper, accountant, personal shopper, teacher, counciler, mommy, and wife. The only thing I didnt seem to be was MYSELF. but then again who was MYSELF. I honestly didnt know and honestly still dont know who the REAL me is. I only know the addict me and then the me that has all these wants and needs and hopes and dreams of a life that I know I can have because I had it I just fucked it all up before it ever really got started because of my addiction, lying, decietfulness, and habit of fuking up EVERYTHING whenever I get at all close to achieveing real happiness. So anyways I came home and attempted to get clean...again. I made it a whole 8 days and then my death benefits checks came for my 1st husband. I dont get a ton just a couple hundred bucks but to someone that was only 8 days clean it was like hitting the fuckin lottery. Now I did try to make arraingements to keep me from getting them,cashing them, and then wasting it on dope and totally screwing up my clean time and the last chance I had to fix my marriage and not be a homeless squatting junkie. But alas I couldnt shake the addict behaviour totally. I gave my husband all but $60 but thats all I needed. now I had planned to only get a $20 but that $20 turned into a half and lasted me 3 days and the 2 days following my 3 days binge I was right back at square 1 and felt like garbage. Now I wasnt as bad as the forst go with WD's but it was not fun or pleasent and by the middle of day 2 of course that opportunity sukhow will drop itself in my lap and I had $100 and another half and then just bcz I got a $40 the next day but my reasoning was the 40 was of some high grade very strong fire ass dope while the half I had got was just yur run of the mill not to great shit but hey it got the job done. So I had made it a total of 8 days. The longest I had been sober since this whole fukd up event started last year about the begining of Oct. But that was it. After that first slip I slid right back into the daily grind of shit only now it was twice as difficult bcz I had no car, no access to money since I gave Brian all of my money minus the $60 I kept back and already spent and I had no one willing to come get me unless they got a nice portion of my dope and I am a stingy drug addict lol. Id rather give them 10 bucks for gas than any of my dope. Specialy when its sooo hard for me to get more and I gotta jump thru hoops just to get it and on top of that gotta jump thru even more complicated hoops to make sure its TOTALLY hidden from my husband who thinks I have been totally sober since the day I came home. He wud kick me out to the street with no where to go and no way to get there with not a penny to my name and no way to get any and wud have those divorce papers drawn back up so fast the ink would still be wet when he signed them. So anywho, this was posed to be a QUICK post which ment a SHORT post but I guess I had more to say than I thought PLUS i am actually typing on a real computer not my dam phone with its itty bitty touch screen keyboard and all its issues so I guess I got a lil carried away bein able to type normally!! I do type over 60 wpm so I quite enjoy using a real computer compared to my stupid "smart phone" which is anything BUT smart. Im off track again sorry. Back on track...So anyways this "quick" post was to explain the posts that will follow this one from here on out until I inform everyone that the NEW posts were done but that wont be for quite some time. The NEW posts are all entries in a Journal Ive been keeping since I came home few weeks ago. Since I didnt have access to the internet and the only computer I have access to is my husband I couldn't type up my entries bcz the last thing I want or need is him reading ANY of my entries in my Journal or on here. So I had a single subject spiral notebook and decided on day 4/5 of my clean days the first week I was home to start writing and let me tell you IT WAS AWESOME. I felt so light after every entry I wouold write. It would amaze me all of the things I had to say when I would write an entry. Everyone got longer and longer and more detailed and more into all the deep dark shit that Ive packed down deep and let fester and just used more and mmore drugs to numb up any of the pain I felt from all the shit Ive been thru. So I have decided I am going to type up each of my journal entries and post them on here. So my first wave of posts will concieve of a total of 10 diff entries. Now these entries are not NORMAL journal entries that are maybe at the longest 3 or 4 pages on a bad day or a long memory. Well I guess bcz I havnt ever wrote down any of my past,present, and everything else and when I would start writing it was like I would go into some dream like state where i was not really contiously there. I was on auto pilot and the ones in control were my brain and my hand. Or maybe it was the other me that was in control when I would write bcz most of my entries are all about things from my life before my addiction got to this point. So i would start writing and kinda go inside myself and wouldnt have any sense of time and no sense of me writing and what I was even saying in my writing. I would snap back into reality and realize I had been writing for an hour or sometimes more and I would number the pages and I would have wrote 10,15, 19, 22 pages in most of them and I had no recolection of what it was I wrote about and would literally have to go back and read the whole thing to know what I had sais and I would be shocked with the things I had chosen to write about and how much I bounced from one thing to the next to the nexxt. The writings seemed to have in a way purged myself from some of the festering blackness that has eaten me from the inside out for so long and I have need more and more and more dope to supress all the pain and anger caused by this blackness festering away at my core. The more I write the lighter I feel. The more shit I purged the less dope I seemed to crave. Dont get me wrong the physical need is still there so is the mental but with every entry and the more I purge from my blackness the less the strength of the need and want for the dope gets and I seem to be using less and less and actually choosing to go several days without it and suffer minor WD's and I have FINALLY gotten myself into a treatment center and I will be starting that journey on sunday eveniong. First I have to go medically detox yet again in the nut ward for 4-5 days and while there get the all clear on any physical illnesses and health, get checked again for mental illnesses and hopefully this time actually get treated for these issues I know I have and get the all clear that I am not a risk of going bonkers and killing everyone lol, and last but not least be totally ohysically detoxed and be able to pass a urine piss test. I will then get picked up from the hospital when I am discharged and taken strait to the treatme nt center in Indiana. Its about 2 hours from where I live which I am happy about bcz that means no matter how bad I hate the place or freak out my first several days, nd weeks I have no way to leave. I cant walk that far and I am honestly just to dam lazy to pretend to and not one person that I could call to come get me would ever come get me if I said I was leaving. No one wants to be the one that caved in and came to get me early and helped me not complete treatment and probly get back and relapse strait away bcz if ima try and leave it'll be the first few weeks. After that I have faith I will have settled down and settled in quite fine. ANd last but deff not least it is a 4 month program. At first I was like uh hell no thats tooo long. But anything I say are just excuses. I mean how long is to long when it comes to fixing yourself from the inside our and trying to beat an addiction to the most evil shit on earth? I personally dont think theres a actual time limit on how long one shud get treatment for. Everyone is diff and the amount of time one needs will differ from the addict sittin next to you and so on. So it starts out at 4 months and I can extend a month at a time once I get to 4 months up to anothr 6 months. BEST of all THE PLACE IS TOTALLY FREAKIN FREE!!!! Well ok my hand hurts and I gotta get started on these journal entries. Basically from here on out my posts are gonna start with these that follow me over the first few weeks of coming home and the ping pong of clean/using. After these already written entries are put on here my entries will then follow me thru the journey thru my trip to this rehab and the months that fololow. So for now I gotta go. Its Thanksgiving and I got dope, YUMMY FOOD (gotta love deviled eggs!!!), and spending time with my mommy bcz I dnt have my kids sadly and my husband chose to spend it elsewhere, owell so be it. I got to spend it with my mom and enjoy the day without having to cook and just chill out and eat and spend one last day with my mom and step dad before I go. Ill start posting after I eat later on 2night. Happy Turkey Day everyone!!!!

Day 7!!!! Woo freakin hoo!!

Its officially day 7!!! Now I kno sum will say woo big deal but this is a HUGE deal for me. I have never made it past day 7 in the year ive been doing this shit nd previous to this wen it was pills. So im going to be very joyous that I have actually come this far. Makes me thing dam I might of got sumthin right this time. Now I will be the first to admit my view on God, higher power, religion, in general has always been screwed up but then again its kinda hard to believe in sumthing wen yuve been thru sum of the shit ive been thru in the last 20 years. Add to that my constant substance abuse nd mental issues nd every time sumone said yu gotta turn it all over to a higher power I wud almost puke or burst out laughing. Yea cuz tht will help right? Well guess wat folks....it fukn works. Maybe im crazy maybe im just putting it on tht bcz I cant believe I cud ever do this myself. On day 2 or 3 I just dropped to the floor nd there I knelt nd for the first time in my entire life I just said I cant do this. I can't control this. I am totally utterly powerless nd im giving it all to yu whoever yu might be. Now I still dont kno who or wat my higher power is but there's sumthin bcz after tht it was like a weight was off me. I didn't have to fight myself as much or as hard to stay here nd stay clean. Ive barely thought about using nd when I do get that itch I talk to myself or to the sky nd just say go away. Now do I feel wat ppl wud call normal? No. Im still barely sleeping nd im shaky nd anxious nd still have bad moments but for the most part im smiling, im happy with doing absolutely nothing nd best of all im not ssick im not freakin out bcz im broke nd shit im starting to sneeze. Now I kno ive got a long hard road to go but sumthing in me gives me the strength to say bring it on. I don't kno if the world is going to impload in Dec but if such an occasion happens at least I kno im dying a junkie piece of shit mother nd wife nd im giving my all to this. The one thing I will say I probly need to get over is my almost obssesion on stories from other ppl tht use. Ive read several great books about other users lives. My fav was called Candy nd another is called Smack. Not to mention all the things I read online. I dont kno if it's good for me but it helps me bcz I have ppl to relate to nd talk to. My husband is oblivious to addiction. Even argues addiction doesn't last forever unless yu think it foes. Owell hes not me nd only me can do this. Well ill post soon. Tomor will be day 8 nd the longest ive been clean but its gonna be a big day bcz tomor I get my death benefit checks nd thts $500 nd that is gonna stir tht monster up in me I kno. Ive taken precautions by giving my husband my keys to out mail box nd telling him I even get them. He had kno clue I was still getting then. And hes taking me to get em cashed nd im gonna turn it all to him bcz I cant have cash yet. Im not tht sure of myself yet. I just hope tomor can be a good day for me nd it doesn't drag me down. Being up is making this much easier.

Quick word about my new profile picture

I wanted to write a quick short post about my newly added profile pic. Its very accurate nd up yo date considering I literally just took it then added to my profile. Mind yu its 1 sumthin in tgd morning, im on day 5 of detoxing, nd I have done nothing to improve my appearance other than shower these last 5 days. So that is me NOW. Now the reason I wanted to write real quick is I want yu to go back in one of my first few posts nd look at the pic of me from last year June/July then look at my profile pic. I started my affair with heroin a year ago this month. Before this started I had started at low level pain pills nd worked my way up to oxygen then opanas wen they gelled the Oxy's. Was just to expensive nd I got more bang for my Buck with dope. At least at first. Niavely I didnt even think I wud a year later be shooting it, lost EVERYTHING, nd going from physically terrified of death to welcoming it like an old friend. I was also totally oblivious to the changes going on to my appearance. The pic shows the weight ive shed. 140 sumthing to 114. At least as of boot 2 wks ago im probly a lil less by now. Showers and most hygiene shit just stopped nd I just didnt have time for sumthin like a shower. Wen I was dope sick it hurt nd wen I was high I was afraid it fuk up my high. Throwing up so much nd poor hygiene habits nd even worse eating habits have totally destroyed my once very white very pretty often complimented on teeth to teeth that while visibily are worse fir the wear but what yu cant see is the bad part. Dentist said my only option is shaving my teeth down nd getting caps or vineers. which is way to costly or get em pulled nd get dentures. Sad how I can go from that to this in 1 fukn year. Ima post sum more before nd now pics up bcz its just brain numbing to me what I look like these days nd wat I thought I looked like. In my head I still looked like the before pics ill be posting. Only thing I knew was id lost sum weight but I wasnt complaining. I had baby weight to lose anyways. My youngest is only 17 months. Natural to lose weight. Yea not like this tho. Now wth the heroin haze gone I actually see wat I look like and ill be honest im disgusted. This is NOT ME!!!

Day 5...AGAIN!!

Well folks here I sit at almost 1am on day 5 clean. A few weeks back I admitted myself to the nut ward for medical detox nd wat I thought was an opportunity to go on a state voucher to the hospitals inpatient rehab center. I had gone wen I was 23 nd have been desperately tryin to get there to get thru this addiction. My addiction last time was coke. I was moderately sober for a while after that. And by that I mean I had no physical addictions. Ironically the first time I ever tried dope was wen I got outta there and was dating nd hanging with ppl I met while there tht were all there for yu guessed it heroin addiction. I fukn hated it!!!!I puked for like 3 days nd I walked in on them shooting up nd it freaked me the fuk out. So bad so I never spoke to any of them ever again. Kinda ironic here it's almost 6 yrs later to the day sincd I was there nd had the hospital of sent me id be the one there for dope. Wonder who I wuda befriended. But alas I didnt qualify. Why yu ask? Oh bcz I have fukn Medicaid. To those not familiar wth wat tht is its state health ins. Like ppl who get welfare nd food stamps nd get Medicaid. Well bcz I actually had state health ins tht wuda paid I didnt qualify. Only ppl with no health ins or financial means qualify. Wat a fukn joke. Im begging everyone that ive been taught that are the ppl to go to for help nd not one person has helped me. So of course I get sent home after 2.5 days in the nut ward. Well guess wat folks the next day I had court where I legally lost custody of my 3 youngest girls. Then I was hit with divorce papers nd legal papers stating my car nd our home are solely in my husbands name so I must surrender my car nd im not allowed in the house without his consent nd I must turn over any nd all keys to both. Also if I ever get my shit together nd actually get bak to court nd im giving custody of my kids back I have to fight him for my youngest in divorce court. Well considering hes already filed im pretty sure ill never get her back bcz we'll be in divorce court before ill ever get bak to court for my kids. So sad. I was totally honest about everything nd more or less got on my fukn knees nd begged everyone from my piece of shit public defender up to the social worker to the judge to please just put me in a fukn rehab. A semi long term inpatient rehab. Deff no less than 30 days nd preferably 60-90. Wanna know sumthin funny? Everyone of them told me good luck nd yur on yur own. Here's a list try these places. Most of which only accept private ins or cash. Lots of cash. So wen I left court I had nothing nd no where to go nd not a dime. I did sumthin really dumb nd sold sum gold jewelry nd was stunned wen I got 390 for it. Well tht changed my mood. I now had money nd was able to pay my "friends" the 40 I owed them so I Aldo gad a place to lice. So on our way to Ohio we go nd within 2 hrs if court I was blissfully in my heroin haze. I remained that way for the next 11-13 days. But over that time my husband calmed down. We started seeing each other even had a wonderful day with our daughter at the museum center. I finally stated I wished we cud just go home. Mind yu he thought I was still clean nd had no clue where I was actually staying. Well I was just done with it I guess nd I was honest with him last Thurs nd said ive been using nd im staying at so nd so but I really wanna cum home. I got barraged wth many nasty things nd I wad everything but a white woman. This went on for several hours. To thr point I actually said fuk it nd turned my phone off. He showed up a while later nd just so happened after being very fukn dope sick all day we were finally about to go score. Now I knew in my gut I shud go with him. I needed to go with him. That if I didn't go with him ill lose everything forever nd ill have to accept my life as a junkie bcz GE wont look back. Wat did I do yu say? Well I started a fight so I cud storm off nd say bye nd be able to blame him for me staying. Usually tht mixed wth my heroin hazed brain I wuda felt little to no guilt. Funny thing happened tho. With every hit...1-2-3...I felt more nd mire guilt. So I txt him nd blantintly asked him to come bak nd get me. He got me at almost midnight last Thursday. I left knowing once I got yo our house I wud basically be in jail. Stuck here wth no way to go anywhere nd I was gonna go thru withdraws. The only things I had for my upcoming detox battle was half a 8ng suboxin nd 10 vistaril from wen I was in the nut ward. Well its now day 5 nd while I didnt feel great my detox was not bad. Now im fighting crazy mania, sleeplessness until im exhausted nd pass out for a few not deep sleep hours and the worst thing the war going on inside me between the 2 "MD's" The addict me nd the non addict me. Its an epic battle nd im rooting for the non addict me but the addict me is a fukn prized fighter with a helluva upper cut so I guess we'll have go see how far I can go. Gonna try to sleep nd wake up on day 5 nd just ask God nd hold my strength to hopefully make it thru to day 6. Really I havd to take it 1 day, hour, min at a time. IIf I dont ill lose nd non addict me with be KO'd. by addict me's. upper cut. Ill try to post daily but all depends on my mind status nd if I can bcz im posting from my phone. Wish me luck. I have everything to gain nd nothing left to lose!!!

. Well its been a while since ive written an actual post and for partly good reason. My life has officially spirialed outta control nd literally fallen apart. Eveerything that I was clinging to nd in a way using as my "excuse" as to why even tho obviously having an addiction to dope nd "trying" to get clean I still had a pretty good life and didnt consider myself to be as bad off as other ppl I knew specialy like the girls that was in that "treatment" center I attended for 2.5 days bak in June. I used the fact that 99% of the girls in the place were not like me such as they had criminal records, prostituted theirselves, were homeless, had lost custody of their kids, had lost meaningful relationships with non addict ppl I.e husbands, friends, family. nd the fact that the place was basically used for Dept of corrections nd 99% of the girls were ordered there by dept. of corrections nd most gladly took the chance to go bcz even tho it was like jail to me sumone that was not in actual jail nor was I accustomed to actual jail most of them were nd from what I gathered from convos with them that place was like a huge step up nd considerably better than actual jail or the other portion was homeless nd trickin to support their habbits nd lives nd having a bed, shower, clean clothes nd surroundings, 3 meals a day plus snacks nd drinks readily available, nd the program providing a safe environment that as long as yu work the uentire program at the end they get yu set up with housing, work, getting legal issues nd custody issues resolved nd making sure they have access nd set up with programs nd ppl to help ensure yu stay successful nd help prevent there relapse. I used the fact that I was not in those dire situations nd didnt intend to complete the total program bcz I didnt need housing nd other things like that bcz I had custody of my kids, I had a solid marriage to a non addict I had relationship wth my family nd friends, I wasnt homeless bcz we owned our own home with all the electronics nd home furnishings every suburbanite could ever want, we owned several cars, we were ok financially bcz the money I spent was my extra money for things like naiSo ls or getting my hair done. So bcz I felt like I wasnt in the same dire situation as those girls and the girls on the waiting list that was many months long I rationalized takin myself tht by me being there was selfish nd I was taking a spot from sumone who needed it much more than I did nd their life mighta depended on getting in there nd I used that to make it ok to leave and to make it ok to everyone else as well. Granted I did not like the way they made yu feel like yu was in jail but treatment is treatment nd had I of stayed I wudn be where im at today. At a friends house on her couch nd have lost it all. My house, my husband, my kids, my self worth. Everything. So ive decided im done. Im going to our local hospital nd im telling them I need to get clean nd if I cant im going home nd overdosing on purpose. Im done with this whole situation. If im lucky they'll give me a state paid voucher to go down to a rehab the hospital runs nd I really wanna go to this one. I just hope they keep me nd they qualify me bcz if I dont qualify then ill stay in the psych ward for a few days nd then ill get released. I dont wana get released. So here goes nothing. Hopefully the next time I write to yu all I have sum decent clean time nd ive finally gotten sum help nd hopefully tht means ive gotten my kids, husband, nd life back.

something has gotta end...soon.

Seriously I fukn hate my self nd my life!! I almost wish I would just fukn od. if I dont find a dam rehab that will help me without having several grand to pay them im seriously not gona keep doing this. why must yu be rich or at least have access to excessive amounts of cash to have the chance to be sober nd have a good better sober life???

Miss Heroine

*~So now you've grown tired of grass,
LSD, goofballs, cocaine, and hash
And someone, pretending to be a true friend
Said "I'll introduce you to Miss Heroine"
Well honey, before you start fooling with me,
...

Just let me inform you of how it'll be
For I will seduce you and make you my slave
I've sent men much stronger than you to their graves
You think you could never become a disgrace
And end up addicted to poppy seed waste
So you'll start inhaling me one afternoon
Then you'll take me into your arms very soon
Once I have entered deep down in your veins
The craving will nearly drive you insane
You'll need lots of money as you have been told
For darling I'm much more expensive than gold
You'll swindle anyone just for a buck
You'll turn into something vile and corrupt
You'll mug and you'll steal for my narcotic charms
And feel contentment when I'm in your arms
The day you realize the monster you've grown
You'll solemnly swear to leave me alone
But the vomit, the cramp, your gut tied in a knot,
The jangled nerves screaming for just one more shot
The cold chills and hot sweats, the withdrawal pains
Can only be saved by my little white grains
There's no other way and no need to look
For deep down inside you know you're hooked
You'll desperately run to the pusher,
And just as I foretold
I know that you'll give me your body and soul
You'll give up your morals, your conscience, your heart
And you'll be mine, til death do us part~*

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Soul Searching

The last couple of days have been somwhat odd for me. I had attempted to once again stop using and once again life had other plans for me. Its like no matter how determined I am to stop and stay stopped life all of a sudden throws major curve balls my way. Another thing I noticed is the times that I wasnt willingly trying to stop but by a matter of being broke had no choice but to start the withdraw process and live thru the agony of my body emptying of all the plant matter that I have shoved into it and has slowly turned my cells from human to poppy based plant cells no one and I mean no onewould come thru. No matter what I did getting cash wasnt an option, I refuse to steal or pawn my things(at least until most recently), my guy had every reason why he couldnt front me, my very few user "friends" and babay dad wudn help me out, and subd werent around or I cudn afford any so I had no choice but to suffer thru until eventually I got money to get sum and stupidly start the cycle all over again. I recall a few times I had even gotten to like days 4 and maybe even longer and had actually started to feel a tiny bit better and somehoe I would get money and right across the river I would go. Talking to myself the entire time saying "why are you even going to get some. You know its just gonna start all over and you know its not gonna last you more then today and then in a day what are you gonna do?". I would then tell myself "well by the time I run out and start feeling shitty I will make sure I have money somehow or I will get a sub before thathappens. Ill plan ahead this time. No I will make sure it stretches out til watever day bcz whoever or watever is going to be on such and such day and Ill have however much money so Ill just do enough to keep from being sick til the". No matter what I would tell myself I couldnt stop myself from going to get it and I couldnt make myself stretch it out to prevent from being sick. No Ill admit that up until I actually kinda came clean to my husband and fam and freinds about my secret life and decided I was going to go to a treatment center that only lasted 2 whole days, I barly ever actually went without and was sick. Not until shit hit the fan and my husband lost his job and our financial situation was murdered did I really ever have to go without. I am kinda thankful tho that my husband lost his job and we were barly scraping by the last few months bcz had he not of lost his job and I had the access to the money I was used to my using would have been 100 times worse then it has been since I decided to get clean. My using was sparatic at first but slowly became an everyday thing and finally ended me back to where I am sick without it. HOWEVER my tolerence is much much lower somehow now. Before June I was doing at least a G a day now I am content with a $30 worth and can actualy stretch it for 2 days if I want. My withdraws are not nearly as agonising now either. But what I find funny or should I actually say aggrivating in a way is that everytime I decide I am going to just stop I am outta cash and I refuse to ask my dad and Ill get a sub or 2 and say Im just gonna take a half a day for a few days get thru the worst of the WD and then just stay clean and I am going to get my shit in order bcz if I dont I am serously about to lose the only thing I care about and need in my life, my girls. So Ill go a day or 2 maybe evern 3 pr 4 doing great on the subs and I am even string enough to ignore my guy when he'll txt and say flame is in or whatever. But usually byday 3 my lil asshole voice in my head starts up. God you know it would be nice to have some energy to get this or that done or go do sum fun stuff woth the girls. ANd Ill even be strong then and tell my voice well it would be nice but I am good. I have already taken sum subs and I am broke so no way to get any even if I tried. And BAM just like I subcontiously made a wish that was granted by the junky fairy and my phone will go off and low and behold it'll be my kids dad or a "friend" or my guy and its always an offer for free dope. No maybe if I was farther into my being clean and not on usually day 3 I would have the strength in me to tape that voices mouth shut and ignore the offer but no im only a few days in and before my voice can respond that tiny lil asshole voice replies and on my way I go to get sum even if its just one tiny line or shot or whatever and not even caring anymore what the requirments of myself are required to get the free dope. Then its over. After I have had a lil bit I have to have more. Its like I need as much as I can get to satisfy this internal itch and once I have satisfied that itch and done as much as I feel I wanted I am then once again able to speak and that asshole voice is nodded off in some dark junky corner of my fucked up brain. So once again I make all the well attempted plans to stop using again and stay clean. Then the cycle starts all over again. This last week its been a mixture of both of those things tho. Dope just being offered and sometimes for very not ok reasons, and I am very sad to say I have accepted and done some shit I am not even sure I an put on here bcz then I have to admit I did it and I am not sure I can do that. Take that and mix it with all the shitty things going on in my life and I just cant stop. I have full intentions of trying to stop again tomorrow and I know in my heart if I dont more then likely this time next week or maybe the following I will probly be writing my life is over bcz I have lost custody of my kids. Why isnt that scary enough to stop me????? WHAT IS WRONG WITH MY BRAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Well my sleeping meds are kicking in. Guess I am going to try to get some sleep before my girls wake me up early. I wanna try and spend as MUCH time with them as humanly possible on the chance the wrst happens.

Another forgotten post

This is another forgotten post. The one before this was from July 6th bt this one was actually written a few days before that one was. This one is from 7/3/2012. Its kinda funny to read where my thoughts and head was at that time.

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Life…Or something like it…

So it’s 2am and even tho I should probably be attempting to sleep or something “good” for myself as others see it I have the undeniable urge to write. I think the last time I wrote was on day 10 or 11. I am not to sure bcz I have no internet and the only time I can upload to my blog is when the wind blows just right and someone in the area is nice enough to have an UNSECURED wireless network. Either my “neighbors” have caught on and are kicking me off or securing their networks from the thieving anonymous person that likes to “borrow” the web for a few. The only other option is my My Touch and with 2G service uploading anything from it is about as tempting as going back to the “treatment” center I so lovingly ran from 2 days in. But again I had a purpose for writing and now I am just rambling about nothing. I do that a lot lately it seems. I’m new to this sobriety shit so not sure if its aside effect of cleaning up or if it’s the “real me” as everyone keeps saying about my NEW attitude or lack there of as I should say lol.

That’s a good starting point I guess. My newfound me. I am not the biggest fan of everyone saying “oh the new you is so ____ (enter some cheesy encouraging saying here). I mean obviously now that I am not loaded from the time my eyes open til they so lovingly nod off into oblivion at nighty night time I am obviously a more “normal” woman. We all know just what the shit does. It numbs you to core which is exactly why most of us do whatever it is we are doing. At least that’s been my experience. Granted I was not your typical junkie. My husband, family, friends even are all sober normal productive humans and the very idea of being on drugs of any kind let alone H is just taboo. I have no idea how the hell I managed to get such a phenomenal husband being in the deepest part of my addiction and not only did I snag him I actually managed to get him to fall in love with me and put a ring (a very nice one might I add) on my skinny ass finger lol. Now don’t get me wrong my husband is no lame that is strait edge and against drugs in general. He smokes and smokes a lot and in his world he rectifies it bcz he has a brain tumor and has had brain surgery at the age of 19. Yes by the way I am 29 and my husband just turned 21 in Feb. And for those of you who do not know me or him which I'm sure is everyone considering I don’t think ANYONE is even reading this dribble HA. BUT anyways I am not sure when or why or even how it happened but few years back I met my first husband (which is a whole other post that I will get into another day) I started dating younger, much younger guys. He was 5 yrs my youngster and after he died in 2010 I swore I would never be with another younger guy. It was just too much like having a grown man child. And maybe that’s exactly why I like younger guys. It pokes at my need to fix things and being needed and caring and all that other psych babble and I am sure there is some truth in the matter bcz I am sure I have daddy issues and blah blah blah. But anyways I met Brian and when found out his age 19 at the time and me 27 I figured hey he lives like a building over from my apt, he has a job, he has a car (I did not), and dammit he was so cute I giggled like a school girl every time we talked.

Well the rest was history as they say. Here we are 2 years later and we are living the American Dream as some would say. Not to sure whose DREAM this is but I would call it more of a nightmare lol. Well not entirely a nightmare. There are many dreamy parts to our lives. He is safe, stable, and loyal to a fault, caring, honest, great provider and many other good things that I can’t say about myself. I got him and he got me. Wonder who got the short end of the stick in that deal??? Him you say? Well your god dam right him. I am a bitch almost 24/7 and mostly not a ranting in your face fuck you bitch but just I am right about everything and you are wrong, my way or no way, and I dare you to tell me no bcz if you really piss me off I will make your day, life a living hell kind of bitch. I am also a liar not really big lies mostly lil shit like I am going to the grocery store when in reality I am going to cop my shit for the day. Now one thing I can say is I have been loyal to him except once in the first few weeks of our relationship which by the way I ended up prego and for the 9 months til she was born had no clue if she was going to come out white like my then husband or mixed like my 3 year old and look just like her dad. Who by the way will get his own entire post at some point as well. That’s 10 years of my life that I wudn trade but at the same time wish I could of condensed it down to more like 5 and moved on from him sooner. But in my addict brain he was/is like a drug and I was beyond addicted to him and his sensational uh “love shot” lol that no matter what I couldn’t give him up. The withdraws from him were almost as painful and unbearable as H was to kick. And again like H I kept going back for just a taste. With a 20 here and a 30 there and then 40 and b4 you know it your back up to life fucking amounts.

So ok now that I have somehow rambled in a full circle and reached the point I was going to write about in the first place lol I will start on another post tomorrow bcz its now 230 and my adorable husband is so nicely licking my neck and breasts that I think writing is going to become pretty difficult to do or at the very least be very difficult for anyone that ever decides to actually read my boring life on paper or pixels I should say. See no sense is coming from my brain now bcz I can think of one thing….him inside me. Goodnight girls and boys. More to come soon. I gotta make sure I get myself out there right. I want anyone that stops by to know just who they are wasting there minutes reading about.

Oh sober sex is so much better then I ever thought it would be…..just saying!! :)~

Figured I might as well put these up considering I took the time to write them and all

Ok so the next couple posts are actually ones that I wrote up way back when I started this blog, so around thThe only time I have written anythng thin the first few days to weeks after I left the treatment center I went to for all of 2 days and for the first time in a long time was attempting to stay clean and attempting to write about the experience. Years ago I actually wrote all the time. Some things were fiction but I wrote a lot of life experinec pieces and somehow some people actually thought my writings were good and to my amazment in the later years of highschool I actually won several awards and even had several of my writings published in several diff books, contests, etc. As I got older and my life spiraled outta control writing became less and less a part of my life. The only time I have written anything since around age 19 its only been in personal journals or letters to people trying to explain some part of something to them. I have a horribly hard time explaining anything to people out loud. My best form of communication is and has always been writing. Its like I can put things down on paper I didnt even know I could say. So I came across these saved on my laptop from back before my internet was hooked up. When I started this blog I was using my phone and it was very difficult to write anything worth a shit on my phone. Occasionally I could borrow someones unsecured wifi but after a few times getting lucky doing that I couldnt get anymore unsecured connections so I just started writing posts in Wrod and saving them and had full intentions of uplaoding them once my internet was up and running. Not sure how I forgot about them but guess since Ive found them now I might as well post them considering I took the time to write them at the time.

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7/6/2012 (original written date)

Family…Would love to have the kind that enjoys HELPING you not FUCKING you…raw and HARD!!!

  

So ok obviously Its been about 3 weeks since I decided that enough was enough and had my “rock bottom” event where I flipped out on Brian (my husband) bcz he wouldn’t give me enough money to get the shit I needed i.e. diapers, food, milk cigs, gas AND have the extra that I needed to get me at least a half bcz I had barley been getting a quarter of what I was used to getting a day and I knew within a VERY short period of time I was gonna start withdraws bad and my role in this sham of a suburban life is doting stay at home mom/wife and its very difficult to keep up that appearance and keep it up well when you feel like your about to die and just blinking hurts like you just got beat with a fukn tree. My biggest issue was how the hell am I supposed to take care of 4 kids ranging from age 10 (who mentally she acts more like 5 or 6 bcz her dad and his family who have raised her and had custody since she was 4 are fruit loops and have convinced this child she has panic attacks to the point they actually BUILT HER A FUKN PANIC ROOM when she was 8!!) 4, 3 and 1. Now I know most people are shaking their pretty little heads in disgust that I was high and in charge of small children. Let me tell you idiots something. Opiates of ANY kind do not make you incomapacitated like some other drugs do. Especially when you are taking just enough to maintain normalcy. I haven’t actually gotten high in a long time. For many months leading up to me losing it and coming clean and attempting sobriety I literally was just maintaining. Getting high or the rush of energy I used to get was not in the cards. Being dope sick was not an option foe me. I am the sole caregiver of the 3 youngest girls I have. My husband was working 6 sometimes 7 days a week and left at 9 am and most days didn’t get off and make it back home til at least 9pm. He had the rare occasion that he actually even got to see our kids. Usually it was right as he walked in the door and would get to say goodnight to them and then the one day he would get off if he didn’t sleep the entire day away and then use the remaining hours doing something like cutting the grass or fixing a car or something that “he only got one day off what do I expect him to do”. Whatever. I agree it was shitty that I had to have some drug to function like a “normal” person but at least I was a good mom. I did more for and with my kids then a lot of “normal” moms do that are totally sober. Everyday we had some kind of activity that we did. Ranging from going to a number of different parks, to the water park, to shopping, out to eat, chuckie cheese, and so much more. So trust me when I say my kids didn’t hurt for anything least of all love and attention. My girls have a very nice house, room, clothes, toys, and just about anything and everything they want. Any money I ever spent on my shit was money that was there for me to use for shit like my nails, hair, clothes and whatever. There were many a days that I had only enough to get diapers or whatever my girls needed and trust me I would be sick before I used any money needed for their stuff on my shit. Maybe I am not your typical junkie but no one is the same and we aren’t all prostitute thieves that nod out in a gas station bathroom with a needle stuck in our arm. Does that make what I did/do any better then the next Uh NO but it also does not warrant me being labeled a bad parent who doesn’t care for or about her kids. My kids are my world and while my DOC is deff or should I say was hi up on my list of favorites it never came before them. Now did it bump Brian down a notch yes at the end it did and it always came before my own self worth. But that’s not really to hard to do considering I hate myself and have for many many years. The ONE good thing I have EVER done is my kids and the proof is in them. All of my kids are above average on their smartness. My 1 year old who is now 14 months can speak in full sentences, my 3 year old has been potty trained since before she was 2 and my 5 year old can figure things out that most adults have issues doing. I am now done speaking about them. I don’t really want them to be tied to a blog about my drug use and anything related. I just wanna make it very clear I still consider myself a good mother. I haven’t had my kids taken or anything like that and as for me deciding to go to treatment to detox and trying very hard to get sober that was all MY CHOICE. There was no outside influence or agency giving me ultimatums that I had to get clean or else. No I am 29 years old, have 4 great kids 3 of which are about to be in school and sports and stuff like that and I have an amazing husband who kills his self to ensure we have the bet life possible. I chose to be honest and seek help because I wanna give them all the best of me that I can and I don’t wanna have to miss parent teacher meetings or practice or the dam bus every morning bcz I am to dope sick to do shit I am posed to do. Plus it would be nice to have the extra cash so maybe my husband could stop working his life away bcz he can’t ever seem to get us ahead and can’t figure out why bcz at 21 he made 65 grand a year and our lifestyle and bills deff don’t amount to that. BUT my 140 or more a day habit sure helped reach that amount and quickly. So long story short I chose to change bcz I am just over it. I just never realized how hard it would be. I figured if I can just get through the hard part which to me was the withdraws that I was stupidly thinking took 3 to 4 days and then soon as those started to decline and eventually was gone altogether at around a week I would be done with it all and over it and using again wouldn’t be a issue for me bcz I am physically addicted to the shit not mentally. I mean I said I hated it and wanted to stop everyday right? WRONG!! Yea detox sucked and 3 and 4 days felt like it took more like 3 or 4 weeks but honestly I made it to day 7 and thought hey I am almost done now. I never knew about PAWS or the fact that I would have no energy, mood swings like crazy, and cravings so bad I could almost taste it. So me being very week and having no restraints convinced myself a 20 wouldn’t hurt. Well here I am almost on what should be day 21 for me sober and that one 20 just one time turned into a few 20’s every few days to I have gone thru 2 halves in 3 days and I am sure I am going to go back thru detox soon as I stop now and once again I am lying to Brian about money that now we really don't have bcz he was fired and even though they wouldn’t tell him why I am very sure its bcz of the time he has missed over the last few weeks trying to be a good husband and father helping me get better and this is how I repay him. I can admit tho I have tried very hard to tell him he’s better off to just leave me. I am a fuk up and probly always will be and I couldn’t even stay clean. But I guess I am gonna try it over again. This time I have a few subs and as bad as they scare me and I truly hate them I need something to decrease my symptoms bcz he is gonna be here and gonna wanna know why I am sick again. I gotta do this I want it so bad. I wish I could just move away or seriously go to jail for like a month. It’s crazy how bad I wanna stop but it’s like the only way it’s gonna happen is if I am REMOVED from normal life in such a manor that its impossible for me to get my hands on the shit. IDK but its late I am depressed and fighting with Brian bcz he suspects I am using bcz my mood changes when I get high and we fight more and I go like 100 mph and my voice raises so it’s kinda obvious but I am doing my best to keep it under control. Hopefully I can and get thru this again. I don’t think withdraws will be as bad as first time bcz its only been 3 days not months or years and for me this is a very small amount. I was needing almost 2 g’s a day at the end just to feel ok. So here’s hoping I guess. Wish me luck, if anyone’s reading. I'll be uploading all these soon. No internet is killing me.

Fuck me...

So much for day 2 and doing good nd not having the urge!! Like I said not having money was the thing that was helping hold me were I need to be. At home going on day 3. But no instead im in my way from cincy to meet my baby daddy ha so funny nd on my way to yet again cross my line nd romance the needle yet again. I see me sliding down a very bad slippery slope with this yet my buddy H keeps telling me it'll all be fine just soon as I get it in me. Fuck fuck fuck. I hate myself. At least for now. Well time to go. Ill probly write again later.

Day 2 and feeling pretty normal...whatever that is

Well its been over 36 hours since my last escapade that led me from my usual method of using by shoving it up my nose to crossing that line and injecting for the first time. I will admit that it was the BEST high ive ever had and honestly havnt been able to stop thinking about it BUT I have succeeded in not using since that last time. Now I cant say its all my own determination I did have a half a suboxin that I ended up breaking down at about midnight last night and took a half of the half, some sleeping meds and passed out and had a pretty good nights sleep too. Got almost 12 hours of sleep which is more then I have been getting the last few weeks. Its almost 4 and I have yet to take the last half of the suboxin I have because I am trying to hold off until I start to feel the urge to use again. Which even tho I have thought about the other night and wished I had some I havent really had any urges to use and thats pretty good for me these days. I just need to stop. I am almost 30 years old and there are so many more things in life I want and need and I am not going to get there on the path I have been on. Now can I say Ill never do it again?? Probably not. But for now I am going to try to just go one day or rather 12 hours at a time. I must admit not having the funds we normally have has been a big help as well. I am ratehr sure if I had the cash available to me that I normally would have had my hubby not of lost his job I would probably not be this gung ho but being broke and not wanting to borrow any money from anyone or sell anything because well I have never had to sell my stuff before and dont intend to start now hs helped keep my ass where it belongs, at home. I am sure my guy would throw me a front bcz he always has but that usually comes with a price and I dont wannapay that price anymore. This is a short post today but felt I shoudl at least post about when I am doing well not just when I am fucking up left and right. I am now going to clean my house and prepare dinner and have a good night hopefully with my family. This is what I am yerning for so bad.Normal life. Whatever that is....

Im doing so GREAT..oh wait im lying I am just an idiot!!

As I sit here at almost 4am I cant help but wonder how in the hell I have gotten to this point in my life. Specially now. ^ weeks ago I hot such a low in my life personally that I actually begged my husband and family, after being brutialy honest with them and telling everyone that surprise surprise Ima Junkie lol, no my ulcer isnt making me puke all the time, no I am not just sick all the time, and no life isnt THAT stressful i actually look the way I do, stopped caring about personal hygene and food, and had eratic behavior because I was stuffing as much dope up my nose as I could afford to get. Now you might be saying well good for you you took the first step and admitted you had a problem, you told your loved ones AND you sought out help. I even managed to get myslef into one of the top rated Treatment facilities in northern KY. Now I only stayed 2 days but hey I can at least say I went. ANd yea I do give myself credit for all of those things. Its the most Ive ever done to better myself in the 15+ years Ive batteled all sorts of addictions Ive aquired. By the way I do appologise for my awful spelling and grammer. Even though I am actually a fairly intelligent person even have a college degree, in criminal justice no less LOL haha now thats just funny to me. Anywho I appologise for the horendious spelling and grammer. Ive loved writing my whole life and even won several awards and competitions but I  have never really liked worrying about spelling or grammer. Maybe thats because having spell and grammer checks and the fact that these days most of my writing is done threw text on a phone most of spelling and grammer have just become lazily horrible. Take into consideration its 4 am and I am beyond blowed, more then I have been ever I think. I just cant seem to muster up the concern for how i spell or is everything is typed out correctly because well frankly this is my bog and if I wanna abbreviate everything I have that right. Lets just say its my calling card lol. Ill be the chick with the blogg that is easily distracted, rambles, and has the worst spelling and grammer EVER!! Hey at least it might make me stand out. Probably wont get me any awards or book offers but hey not like I would be expecting anything of the sorts anyways. I just get excited if someone actually reads the dribble I put down.

But I am getting distracted yet again. I seem to do that a lot and from what I read on many other bloggs I aint the only one that seems to have that problem. I dont know if its the addict brain thats probably got a few missed connection going on up there or if its the bi-polar or whatever your "mental defect" is that causes the distraction malfunction or if its that one of those leads to the other or vise versa....now im confused lol. Time to move on or rather back to what I originally was writing about. Sorry if I get confusing , as you see i confuse myself so just please try to bear with me. So 6 weeks ago  I  did a whole 2 days of "treatment" and came home and toughed out the last few days of my horrific detox/withdraws at home mostly spent on my enclosed porch with my MP3 player and many many cigarettes. I sat on teh orch bcz as we all know your freezing during withdraws and it was in the low 80's at night and 90's during the day so while everyone else was dying of heat strokes I was quite comfy lol. Deff helped out with those nast electric goose bumps or as I like to call them the electrifying crawly bug things lol. But I was very very determined for the first week and then I fucked up naturally. I mean how the hell can you not expect me to fuck up when I didnt change one aspect of my life and had no treatment plan set up. Over the last few weeks my life has fallen apart. Which is kinda crazy because prior to me being honest about my little secret and trying to get better my life, minus my habbit, was what most strive to achieve. I have a wonderful husband who is very drug free, worked a great job (him not me), 4 beautiful girls that even tho I had a habit I took very good care of and strived for the most normal suburban blissful life for them, own our own home, own 3 cars, have many expensive gadgets to make suburbanites happy the whole 9. Maybe thats what kept eveyone in denial for so long. I couldnt possibliy be to bad off if my life could be so good. I mean obviously if I was as bad off as I looked and acted then at the very least my kids would be showing signs, right? Wrong. But after I came clean and decided I needed to change I got what I wanted, CHANGE. Sadly tho I got the kind of change I didnt want. I am not quite ready to reveal in vivid detail what all has changed to the worse but the edited version is Husband was fired(not his nor my actions), social services is now poking around my life and made me tale a drug test that I failed so not sure if they are gonna take my girls or meybe get me the help I truly know I need, hubby cant find work and neither can I so now faced with possibly having to sell my house that we just bought 2 months ago and I will add is totally paid for so that was a huge accomplishment, we are totally broke but yet somehow I still manage to find enough money to get dope almost daily now, and lat but not least I crossed my own line I swore I would NEVER cross and I have finally felt what dope feels like when you experience it thru a needle.

Yup thats right, I the biggest idiot decided that I would finally try it the way I never was gonna do. Its like everything I said well I dont have this going on or that going on and Ive never done tis or that has all happened in the very few weeks that I wanted and tried to schieve sobriety and failed miserably. Now I am bak to using almost daily and if I dont have it I am back to being sick and worst of all I am on random drug screens to not lose my kids and I still cant force myself to stop. For the first time ever I have actually thought maybe they would just be better off wothout me, hubby too. Deep inside I truly do want to stop. But theres this whole otehr part of me that  doesnt wanna stop because the short period I was totally clean I hated it. I hated not feeling that warm cozy feeling that makes me clean the house, cook dinner, go do fun stuff with the kids, have great times with my husband. The only thing I liked was I gained almost 30 lbs back and I started showering daily. But I am back to barely eating and I still shower daily but thats because I am trying to keep up apperences because if my husband finds out I am still usining hes done and can ya blame him? I wouldnt. Hell I told him today hed be better off if I either died or he just left me.

BUt its now almost 430 and I really need to try and sleep and it shudn be to hard considering I am nodding off every few min. Its a very good thing I do not have the balls or know how to stick myself because I must say this was the best high I have ever had. I seriously need to stay away from my daughters father. I just cant tell him no and I shoudl say no to even talking to him. Even though I am not physically cheatoing on my husband I might as well be. I cant imagine what it would do to him to find out I made up some crazy stpry top leave at midnight to go to the fukin hood with my daughter (the daughter he raises by the way nd has raised since she was just a few months old, she only knows my husband as dad she dont even know her bio dad, sad huh) dead beat sperm donor to get dope and let him stick me in the arm all while he sits here with my daughter and no money to get himself even cigs but yet I can waste the gas we have to go meet him and whille I had no cash to get my own I risked gettin pulled over driving around at 3 am in our car with a suspended License. Because we can afford that extra bill right. My court costs, impihnd fees, and anything else I would get and I am totally sire the social worker wouldnt take to likly to that senerio either. I am gonna end up losing everything in my life I care about. The sad part is I dont know what I wanna lose everything or the dope?? How fucked up and sick is that?? I know its just the addiction that makes me think that way because I truly do wanna stop this and be the wife/mom/woman I used to be I know I can be. I just dont know what to do hopw to do it or where the hell to get it from. I feel so dam lost its insane.

Well I am going to sleep so I can wake up and go about figuring out another day. I am really gonna try to not get anything tomorrow. I got a half a sub and I am gonna try to just take it and see if I can try stopping yet again. Maybe I should just tell my husband what I am doing and tell him he needs to lock me up somewhere until I am much much better. @ days really isnt long enough to help a fly.  Hopefully I wasnt to all over the place. Thanks to anyone that actually reads my posts and by all means please comment. I could use any advice anyone has to give. God knows I am dying for someone to relate to. Here's to hoping I fall asleep and just stay that way. I dont wanna die but I would be perfectly happy to fall into a coma and stay that way for a few months or so and maybe I would wake up and have a fighting chance to fight this shit.....

Up, down, back, forth...does it ever end???

That's how my brain feels. Now I should probably explain my mental history a bit before I go on. My childhood, teen years, early adult years were anything but easy or pleasent. Now im not one to blame my drug problems on any of the bullshit ive experienced thru out my life. No one forced the shit up my nose. No I graciously accepted every last grain myself nd mite I add I loved it so much I hated it. Anyways back to my crazy brain. So at the ripe old age of 10 I was raped by my moms then boyfriend. Up until then life was great and full of sparkle. Now as I am 29 and have yet to fully deal with this so forgive me if I dont explain in more detail. The one thing I will say is we lived in a duplex with very thin walls and my sparkling life was dimmed in our basement a mere 2 floors, thin floors I will add, below my ever loving mother and sumhow the woman who can hear everything managed to selectively NOT hear my 10 year old screams nd whales for help and the one person I wanted more then anything in the world at the moment bcz she was posed to protect me, her. Well we all kno the end she never came and several years later when I finally exploaded and told my secret I was of course lying and was just looking for attention. Which ironically is exactly wat im accused of these days. My drug addiction, quest for sobriety, and attempts to get my life in order are all, according to mommy dearest, all immature cries for much needed attention. Funny bcz I would rather have kept this entire situation a secret. Now that was just the first of many fukd up life altering experiences ive had the displeasure of living thru. Most recently my first husband decided the best way to hurt me like I hurt him was to kill his self in a way that I would deff be the one that found him. Might I add this was my anniversary present of sorts considering the day it all happened was our 3rd anniversary. I loved him very much but not in the way a wife loves a husband. More like a motherly role. We were seperated at the time and had been for over a year. Our relationship was very complicated bcz as I said he was like a child to me. I made sure he was taken care of. A year prior he tried to kill his self by jumping from a overpass nd landing on the top of his head. He didnt die but instead shattered the almost entire left side of his body. So from that moment til his last I took caring for him very serious. Im sure nost could see where that would impact several aspejcts of ones life. Not to many guys ate very OK with their girl letting her husband stay with her when needed, financially would help, and basically anything else he needed I would do. Most relationships didnt last long bcz frankly Aaron came b4 any Guy. It also made lots of other things difficult. When he died it was like a piece of me was just gone. I had this huge hole and I did what I do best. I stuffed that hole as full as I could with as many opiates of any kind as was possible without killing myself. Now as I am 30 days into trying to clean up nd get my life together im also forced into dealing with this massive ever growing hole in my self that started at age 10 and has continued to grow over the years. Ive decided the reason I finally was fed up with my addiction and did as much as possible to get sober and stay that way for the first time ever was bcz that hole had gotten so big that the only way to fill it up would have been to much and I would have died. Somewhere in this brain there's some shred of myself and it thankfully was able to fight just hard enough to come thru and allow me to seek help. Now did this turn out how I planned or hoped it would? Hell no! If it had I would be writing that today marks my 1 month clean. Instead im sitting here after using everyday since a week ago Tues. Im so up in arms over the entire situation. My bi-polar is rapid cycling. Usually I cycle from manic, to normal, to depressed over a course of several days up to several weeks. Instead im cycling several times a day. Thry recently claim that I also have p.t.s.d. Now I have never been seen or treated for that yet. Not even sure what if any treatments there are. I was able to make a counciling apt today for thr 23rd and its for substance abuse and mental health. Thr best part is somehow I qualified for reduced services which means I am posed to pay my 15 copay at every visit but if I dont have the funds then they'll see me anyways. Now I kno ppl are saying why is that surprising or good. Well bcz where im from I havnt qualified for any state assistance since I married my husband a year ago. That means no medical cards, food stamps, wic, not a dam thing. No med cards makes getting any kinda treatment very hard. Specialy considering ive been red flagged at every local hospital for years now. Apparently emergency room shopping for pain pills is frowned upon lol. Owell they didn

Relapse...i hate myself

As I sit here waiting, I fukn hate waiting by the way, I can not help but ask myself just how I got here again. I was so sure I was gonna kick this shit. Guess that's how nieave I am with all this. In less then a month I went from doing great nd my marriage doing good to forward to today. Me screaming I didnt touch the money knowing dam well I did. Then pretending to get all offended nd storm out knowing its all just my act to go cop nd cum home not sniffiling like a winter cold nd have a smile on my face. However today when I get home I will not be walking into a friendly inviroment. More like war. Like my very own private war on drugs or terrorist. That wat I see myself as anyways. I might as well be strapping my self with an explosiive nd blowing up every happy thing I possess.

Stupid ppl and their password protected wifi connections!!

OK well I have several posts that I really wanna add onto here but due to my lack of liking to pay bills on time nd bcz I much rather enjoyed getting just that much extra shit on hubby's paydays lol. So we are out of cable nd internet right now nd only time I can upload my posts are when I can actually find an unsecured wifi connection. Which around here I probably have a better chance getting free dope then finding someone that is nice enough to wanna share their hard earned wifi with their less then fortunate neighbors. I mean hey wat are neighbors for if you can borrow sugar, eggs, and your hundred dollar a month high speed internet lol. So anyways I think I am going to head to the library or McDonald's tomorrow where I can get some free internet and I plan on uploading the few posts ive written in the last week or so. Over the holiday we went camping at my husband's patents camp nd I have one hell of a blog from there. Just for a sneak peak at my adventurous camping trip, his patents are nudest nd so is their entire camp. Long story short we've gone several times bit usually off season and when its cold they wear clothes. Well its in season and today it was 104 out not including heat index nd humidity. S deff not wearing cloi had to be withput clothes so ive always enjoyed going. Well aparently that was only bthes. Ive never been asked to be unclothed or told it wasnt an option to be nude if we were there visiting. I'll explain the whole story nd details of the place in my blog. But I wanted to get everyone excited to read it bcz the point to my story is we were told either remove the clothes or we couldn't stay for more then a few hours. Mind you it takes us a few hours to just get there so driving back home was not a fun sounding option. So me, someone who is so awkward about nakedness well my own anyways that after 2 years of marriage I still have to have lights off during sex with my husband 9% of the time. Thr other 10% im usually so fukd up my freakness comes out and I prefer all the lights on and would go so far as invite an audience lol. But I got naked nd gotta say I had the funnest, most relaxing, free feeling 2 days in a very long time. And sober I mite add. As long as drinking like a fish dont count and in my reality drinking dont count bcz I drink once every 6 months. So I appologise for horrible spelling, weird punctuation, and all together crappy writing in this post but my My Touch is not made for blogging nd drives me insane trying to

And Again....

Blah blah blah. Thats all I can seem to hear outta everyones muth anymore. They have no clue what I am going thru or what the fuk this feels like. Ha yea you understand!!! JOKE!!! No one understands unless they ARE ME or sumone exactly like me and then in that case I feel quite sorry for that person bcz I dont even like or wanna be me so god forbid theres another me out there. Tech its day 11 less you count my lil "slip" on fri then its day 3. Personally I do not count a 20 as a relapse. Yea I felt shitty yesterday and my cravings were outta the world but I got a full 8 hours of sleep thanks to my lil green pill and I feel pretty good today. Well as good as I can feel.

I dont know if its "normal" or if its just me but this last 11 days has been a rabbit hole of past endevores. Shit I didnt even remember til now. Shit I blocked out. Feeling quite nastaligic today. Every song I hear is related to some fragmented screwed up drug induced memory and as effed up as those times were I cant help debating weather I am really cut out for this suburban housewife/soccer mom position. I mean is it fair to them to pretend to be sumthing I am so CLEARLY not. I think a lot of times my girls wud be soooo much better off without my influence. I mean we are talking about the mom that made a game outta going to score. My kids even knew my dealer as Uncle B lol. Not really funny just so disconected I cant even believe thats my story.

Sad part is I really do TRY to be a good mom. I do the parks, water parks, arts and crafts, so on and so forth but emotionaly I am about as accessable as ft knox. We all know that bitch is empty just like me. I havent got a clue how to do this shit without my inner strength of H. It gave me the feelings most mothers are equipt with naturally. Same shud be said as for being a wife and doing the wifely things like clean and cook. Now I am just like why? You do it. I dont care if you work & days a week. Whats that gotta do with me?? I dont get to benefit anymore. God my head is tottally screwed up.

I am thinking I might go get another 20. But then why stop there?? Oh i dont know. Maybe I should try but seriously whats the point. I am not gonna be one of those sober ppl in the suburbs who is HIGH on fukn life. Sorry life cant get me as high as I need to be to stomach this bullshit.

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Here it goes...

I guess ill start by saying who I am. My name is angel nd im 29 mom, wife, and firsta junkie. I have so much inside that if it doesn't cum out ima flip. Ive used every drug since I was 19 and been un and out of rehab, out patient, detox, physc wards, icu for od's. And til recently I didnt care not did I car if I died or stopped using. Things have changed tho. I got married, bought my first house(well he did) nd am trying to raise 4 beautiful girls. Wat a shitty break they got huh. Husband had no clue I was a freakin dope feign nd my kids kno mommy needs meds to be not sick so we can just go to park. Sad so effed up nd sad. Well within the last few months ive not spiraled but free fell down a horrible hole of all consuming heroin.that's all I cared about nd stopped trying to even hide it or keep up appearances. I hit my so called "rock bottom" about 2 weeks ago. I tried with no success to kill my self. Husband stopped the first one nd apparently the freakin pole I chose to ram my car into was apparently not strong enough to do wat I needed or shud say really desperstly wanted it to do. So here I sit after a 2 day stint in detox nd saying scree this I came home nd was determined to get clean. This is my first attempt since finding my best friend nd lover H. Its like a warm fuzzy hug no matter when where or why. It always understands. But im on day 7 and im not feeling to bad. Restless legs no sleep til I got ahold of sum benzos last night nd finally got 7 hrs of sleep. But my problem is depression, anxiety, nd of course my ever dying love nd craving for my doc. Its so close but so far nd I kno if giving the situation I wud be done nd used. Thankfully ive kinda stander myself nd have no way to get anything. I gotta do this or ima die nd I kno deep inside sumwhete I truly dont wanna die yet.