Its officially day 7!!! Now I kno sum will say woo big deal but this is a HUGE deal for me. I have never made it past day 7 in the year ive been doing this shit nd previous to this wen it was pills. So im going to be very joyous that I have actually come this far. Makes me thing dam I might of got sumthin right this time. Now I will be the first to admit my view on God, higher power, religion, in general has always been screwed up but then again its kinda hard to believe in sumthing wen yuve been thru sum of the shit ive been thru in the last 20 years. Add to that my constant substance abuse nd mental issues nd every time sumone said yu gotta turn it all over to a higher power I wud almost puke or burst out laughing. Yea cuz tht will help right? Well guess wat folks....it fukn works. Maybe im crazy maybe im just putting it on tht bcz I cant believe I cud ever do this myself. On day 2 or 3 I just dropped to the floor nd there I knelt nd for the first time in my entire life I just said I cant do this. I can't control this. I am totally utterly powerless nd im giving it all to yu whoever yu might be. Now I still dont kno who or wat my higher power is but there's sumthin bcz after tht it was like a weight was off me. I didn't have to fight myself as much or as hard to stay here nd stay clean. Ive barely thought about using nd when I do get that itch I talk to myself or to the sky nd just say go away. Now do I feel wat ppl wud call normal? No. Im still barely sleeping nd im shaky nd anxious nd still have bad moments but for the most part im smiling, im happy with doing absolutely nothing nd best of all im not ssick im not freakin out bcz im broke nd shit im starting to sneeze. Now I kno ive got a long hard road to go but sumthing in me gives me the strength to say bring it on. I don't kno if the world is going to impload in Dec but if such an occasion happens at least I kno im dying a junkie piece of shit mother nd wife nd im giving my all to this. The one thing I will say I probly need to get over is my almost obssesion on stories from other ppl tht use. Ive read several great books about other users lives. My fav was called Candy nd another is called Smack. Not to mention all the things I read online. I dont kno if it's good for me but it helps me bcz I have ppl to relate to nd talk to. My husband is oblivious to addiction. Even argues addiction doesn't last forever unless yu think it foes. Owell hes not me nd only me can do this. Well ill post soon. Tomor will be day 8 nd the longest ive been clean but its gonna be a big day bcz tomor I get my death benefit checks nd thts $500 nd that is gonna stir tht monster up in me I kno. Ive taken precautions by giving my husband my keys to out mail box nd telling him I even get them. He had kno clue I was still getting then. And hes taking me to get em cashed nd im gonna turn it all to him bcz I cant have cash yet. Im not tht sure of myself yet. I just hope tomor can be a good day for me nd it doesn't drag me down. Being up is making this much easier.
Congratulations on day 7, that's outstanding! I love that you know you aren't ready to handle your own money. Very wise! Your really thinking this through and that is really commendable.Do you have some outside support, like an NA sponsor/meetings in your area? I hope you will consider meetings if you haven't already done so.
ReplyDeletePrayers and hugs to you, Angel.
Thankd summer!! I really wish I did have support nd cud go to meetings but I dont have access to my car for good reason. I dont need to go nd do as I please. So my husband must take me everywhere. He just has no time. He works constantly. I am really getting antsy sitting in this house all the time. I honestly don't think its very good for me. I feel I shud be doing sumthing to kp busy but I have really no options nd this is why I always end up using about this time. Im gonna keep trying nd kp talking to my higher power nd pray I just get thru one more day!
DeleteI can understand that. I had surgery a few years back and was stuck at home for months recovering. I about went nuts out of boredom. I've seen my son relapse time and again mostly because he had nothing else going for him-no job, no more friends, etc. Not that you need my advise, but please try to keep your mind busy. Maybe do some online volunteer work or something?
ReplyDeleteHang in there and keep praying. God loves you and is with you every second of every day.
I'm having terrible trouble with browsers... no "leave a comment" box to be found except by replying to other people's comments ho hum
Deleteyeah anyway congratulations on a Perfect Week!!
Summer-Oh trust me I kno I really need to be staying occupied bcz my idle mind mixed wth boredom wth being basically confined literally stranded at my house has always been the reasons I relapse. Sadly I screwed up yesterday nd did about $20 wrth but nt IV jus rooted it BUT either way I still fukd up nd im beyond mad at myself. I was so far, the longest ive ever gone. Honestly I didnt even do it bcz I wanted to or bcz I cudn resist getting it. I really did it bcz in the week ive been clean I slept a total of 15 hrs give or take a few. But either way my point is I was barely sleeping. This lack of sleep mixed wth normal things associated wth detox nd wd plus my bipolar bein in a manic state ive NEVER been in and I was going nuts. So I finally just lost it nd did it so I cud sleep nd I finally got 12 hrs sleep last nite. So today ive felt a ton better but now im more than angry nd depressed over wat I did nd a lil scared to see if it makes me start all over wth thr bein sick part. God I hope not or if it does I hope its nt as bad. Owell cant change it now. Just gotta learn nd grow from this lil pot hole on my road to recovery. Im not sure if I shud keep going nd say im on day 10 tomor or if I shud say day 1. Personally I think tht a lil pot hole doesn't count as a actual "relapse". Well I hope I havnt let yu down to much. I can say after tht nd the way it made me get bein so upset I really want it less. Im gonna talk wth my "higher power" nd we're gonna have a big talk nd if I gotta deliver it to the heavens myself lol im giving him all of it. Plus since hubby refuses to hlp me ho to any kind of help like counciling, meetings, drug tests, anything nd he took my car away nd really thinks keeping me locked in our house is going to fix me. Well that's tgd total opposite of wat will hlp MD. So I begged my mom to start running me yo get apps for jobs, my drug tests, nd NA/AA at least once a wk. So that'll help me a ton I think.
DeleteGleds-I never have a problem commenting or anything. Only problem I seem to havc is sumtimes ill go to a blog nd it'll say its not able to be found evn tho I kno its deff nt gone. But thanx on the week. Wish I cuda said im still going on to day 10 in a few hrs but as yu probly read above I fukd up nd rooted a 20 (small one at that) bcz I was so fukd around tht I felt like I was electric nd going to flipflop inside out at any moment nd was at warp speed tht sleeping was sumthin I was getting so little of nd I ws seriously starting to worry I wud never slp again and all I cud think was if yur dead yull get plenty of slp so instead of taking the longest nap in my life lol I broke dwn nd grabbed a shitty 20. I think im jus gona say it was a slip nd not start all the way over. Wat do yu think? Make tomor 10 or day 1? Only good thing tht I did gt outta it was a Newfoundland hatred nd disgust for the shit. If it wud be easier yu can always just email me. Angel_Pitzer2011@live.com. Ha I probly shudn be putting tht on here. Wonder if ima get any interesting reactions in my inbox lol.
Hi Angel, I can't find a "follow" option to get updates on your blog? . . . I just noticed your Blog at Gledwoods. Though I had been hgere I while back.
ReplyDeleteSodding well done with flashing lights and stars on for seven days clean!! That's huge, massive. I can't get one day clean at the minute, and even when I could it was only three or four, never a week . . . so I do get how hard this is.
Forget about the slipup and move on to day ten or eleven . . or whatever it is by now. You're doing great Angel, real good . . . there's a lot of emotional stuff to cope with on these early clean days, spesh for us mothers with kids and all that. I feel right happy for you, and it don't matter who your HP is . . . it sounds as though you proper handed the burden over to him/her and thats all that matters. That THEY be your strength. Sending love to you Angel, well done on however meny days that is now x x x
hi. hang in there and it does get greater later. life isnt a bed of roses jus cuz u get clean. shit happens and u move on to the next thing. i bn clean 2 1/2 years and i definitely feel ur pain. congratulations on ur time clean. ur in my prayers
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