Fuck me...

So much for day 2 and doing good nd not having the urge!! Like I said not having money was the thing that was helping hold me were I need to be. At home going on day 3. But no instead im in my way from cincy to meet my baby daddy ha so funny nd on my way to yet again cross my line nd romance the needle yet again. I see me sliding down a very bad slippery slope with this yet my buddy H keeps telling me it'll all be fine just soon as I get it in me. Fuck fuck fuck. I hate myself. At least for now. Well time to go. Ill probly write again later.

Day 2 and feeling pretty normal...whatever that is

Well its been over 36 hours since my last escapade that led me from my usual method of using by shoving it up my nose to crossing that line and injecting for the first time. I will admit that it was the BEST high ive ever had and honestly havnt been able to stop thinking about it BUT I have succeeded in not using since that last time. Now I cant say its all my own determination I did have a half a suboxin that I ended up breaking down at about midnight last night and took a half of the half, some sleeping meds and passed out and had a pretty good nights sleep too. Got almost 12 hours of sleep which is more then I have been getting the last few weeks. Its almost 4 and I have yet to take the last half of the suboxin I have because I am trying to hold off until I start to feel the urge to use again. Which even tho I have thought about the other night and wished I had some I havent really had any urges to use and thats pretty good for me these days. I just need to stop. I am almost 30 years old and there are so many more things in life I want and need and I am not going to get there on the path I have been on. Now can I say Ill never do it again?? Probably not. But for now I am going to try to just go one day or rather 12 hours at a time. I must admit not having the funds we normally have has been a big help as well. I am ratehr sure if I had the cash available to me that I normally would have had my hubby not of lost his job I would probably not be this gung ho but being broke and not wanting to borrow any money from anyone or sell anything because well I have never had to sell my stuff before and dont intend to start now hs helped keep my ass where it belongs, at home. I am sure my guy would throw me a front bcz he always has but that usually comes with a price and I dont wannapay that price anymore. This is a short post today but felt I shoudl at least post about when I am doing well not just when I am fucking up left and right. I am now going to clean my house and prepare dinner and have a good night hopefully with my family. This is what I am yerning for so bad.Normal life. Whatever that is....

Im doing so GREAT..oh wait im lying I am just an idiot!!

As I sit here at almost 4am I cant help but wonder how in the hell I have gotten to this point in my life. Specially now. ^ weeks ago I hot such a low in my life personally that I actually begged my husband and family, after being brutialy honest with them and telling everyone that surprise surprise Ima Junkie lol, no my ulcer isnt making me puke all the time, no I am not just sick all the time, and no life isnt THAT stressful i actually look the way I do, stopped caring about personal hygene and food, and had eratic behavior because I was stuffing as much dope up my nose as I could afford to get. Now you might be saying well good for you you took the first step and admitted you had a problem, you told your loved ones AND you sought out help. I even managed to get myslef into one of the top rated Treatment facilities in northern KY. Now I only stayed 2 days but hey I can at least say I went. ANd yea I do give myself credit for all of those things. Its the most Ive ever done to better myself in the 15+ years Ive batteled all sorts of addictions Ive aquired. By the way I do appologise for my awful spelling and grammer. Even though I am actually a fairly intelligent person even have a college degree, in criminal justice no less LOL haha now thats just funny to me. Anywho I appologise for the horendious spelling and grammer. Ive loved writing my whole life and even won several awards and competitions but I  have never really liked worrying about spelling or grammer. Maybe thats because having spell and grammer checks and the fact that these days most of my writing is done threw text on a phone most of spelling and grammer have just become lazily horrible. Take into consideration its 4 am and I am beyond blowed, more then I have been ever I think. I just cant seem to muster up the concern for how i spell or is everything is typed out correctly because well frankly this is my bog and if I wanna abbreviate everything I have that right. Lets just say its my calling card lol. Ill be the chick with the blogg that is easily distracted, rambles, and has the worst spelling and grammer EVER!! Hey at least it might make me stand out. Probably wont get me any awards or book offers but hey not like I would be expecting anything of the sorts anyways. I just get excited if someone actually reads the dribble I put down.

But I am getting distracted yet again. I seem to do that a lot and from what I read on many other bloggs I aint the only one that seems to have that problem. I dont know if its the addict brain thats probably got a few missed connection going on up there or if its the bi-polar or whatever your "mental defect" is that causes the distraction malfunction or if its that one of those leads to the other or vise versa....now im confused lol. Time to move on or rather back to what I originally was writing about. Sorry if I get confusing , as you see i confuse myself so just please try to bear with me. So 6 weeks ago  I  did a whole 2 days of "treatment" and came home and toughed out the last few days of my horrific detox/withdraws at home mostly spent on my enclosed porch with my MP3 player and many many cigarettes. I sat on teh orch bcz as we all know your freezing during withdraws and it was in the low 80's at night and 90's during the day so while everyone else was dying of heat strokes I was quite comfy lol. Deff helped out with those nast electric goose bumps or as I like to call them the electrifying crawly bug things lol. But I was very very determined for the first week and then I fucked up naturally. I mean how the hell can you not expect me to fuck up when I didnt change one aspect of my life and had no treatment plan set up. Over the last few weeks my life has fallen apart. Which is kinda crazy because prior to me being honest about my little secret and trying to get better my life, minus my habbit, was what most strive to achieve. I have a wonderful husband who is very drug free, worked a great job (him not me), 4 beautiful girls that even tho I had a habit I took very good care of and strived for the most normal suburban blissful life for them, own our own home, own 3 cars, have many expensive gadgets to make suburbanites happy the whole 9. Maybe thats what kept eveyone in denial for so long. I couldnt possibliy be to bad off if my life could be so good. I mean obviously if I was as bad off as I looked and acted then at the very least my kids would be showing signs, right? Wrong. But after I came clean and decided I needed to change I got what I wanted, CHANGE. Sadly tho I got the kind of change I didnt want. I am not quite ready to reveal in vivid detail what all has changed to the worse but the edited version is Husband was fired(not his nor my actions), social services is now poking around my life and made me tale a drug test that I failed so not sure if they are gonna take my girls or meybe get me the help I truly know I need, hubby cant find work and neither can I so now faced with possibly having to sell my house that we just bought 2 months ago and I will add is totally paid for so that was a huge accomplishment, we are totally broke but yet somehow I still manage to find enough money to get dope almost daily now, and lat but not least I crossed my own line I swore I would NEVER cross and I have finally felt what dope feels like when you experience it thru a needle.

Yup thats right, I the biggest idiot decided that I would finally try it the way I never was gonna do. Its like everything I said well I dont have this going on or that going on and Ive never done tis or that has all happened in the very few weeks that I wanted and tried to schieve sobriety and failed miserably. Now I am bak to using almost daily and if I dont have it I am back to being sick and worst of all I am on random drug screens to not lose my kids and I still cant force myself to stop. For the first time ever I have actually thought maybe they would just be better off wothout me, hubby too. Deep inside I truly do want to stop. But theres this whole otehr part of me that  doesnt wanna stop because the short period I was totally clean I hated it. I hated not feeling that warm cozy feeling that makes me clean the house, cook dinner, go do fun stuff with the kids, have great times with my husband. The only thing I liked was I gained almost 30 lbs back and I started showering daily. But I am back to barely eating and I still shower daily but thats because I am trying to keep up apperences because if my husband finds out I am still usining hes done and can ya blame him? I wouldnt. Hell I told him today hed be better off if I either died or he just left me.

BUt its now almost 430 and I really need to try and sleep and it shudn be to hard considering I am nodding off every few min. Its a very good thing I do not have the balls or know how to stick myself because I must say this was the best high I have ever had. I seriously need to stay away from my daughters father. I just cant tell him no and I shoudl say no to even talking to him. Even though I am not physically cheatoing on my husband I might as well be. I cant imagine what it would do to him to find out I made up some crazy stpry top leave at midnight to go to the fukin hood with my daughter (the daughter he raises by the way nd has raised since she was just a few months old, she only knows my husband as dad she dont even know her bio dad, sad huh) dead beat sperm donor to get dope and let him stick me in the arm all while he sits here with my daughter and no money to get himself even cigs but yet I can waste the gas we have to go meet him and whille I had no cash to get my own I risked gettin pulled over driving around at 3 am in our car with a suspended License. Because we can afford that extra bill right. My court costs, impihnd fees, and anything else I would get and I am totally sire the social worker wouldnt take to likly to that senerio either. I am gonna end up losing everything in my life I care about. The sad part is I dont know what I wanna lose everything or the dope?? How fucked up and sick is that?? I know its just the addiction that makes me think that way because I truly do wanna stop this and be the wife/mom/woman I used to be I know I can be. I just dont know what to do hopw to do it or where the hell to get it from. I feel so dam lost its insane.

Well I am going to sleep so I can wake up and go about figuring out another day. I am really gonna try to not get anything tomorrow. I got a half a sub and I am gonna try to just take it and see if I can try stopping yet again. Maybe I should just tell my husband what I am doing and tell him he needs to lock me up somewhere until I am much much better. @ days really isnt long enough to help a fly.  Hopefully I wasnt to all over the place. Thanks to anyone that actually reads my posts and by all means please comment. I could use any advice anyone has to give. God knows I am dying for someone to relate to. Here's to hoping I fall asleep and just stay that way. I dont wanna die but I would be perfectly happy to fall into a coma and stay that way for a few months or so and maybe I would wake up and have a fighting chance to fight this shit.....

Up, down, back, forth...does it ever end???

That's how my brain feels. Now I should probably explain my mental history a bit before I go on. My childhood, teen years, early adult years were anything but easy or pleasent. Now im not one to blame my drug problems on any of the bullshit ive experienced thru out my life. No one forced the shit up my nose. No I graciously accepted every last grain myself nd mite I add I loved it so much I hated it. Anyways back to my crazy brain. So at the ripe old age of 10 I was raped by my moms then boyfriend. Up until then life was great and full of sparkle. Now as I am 29 and have yet to fully deal with this so forgive me if I dont explain in more detail. The one thing I will say is we lived in a duplex with very thin walls and my sparkling life was dimmed in our basement a mere 2 floors, thin floors I will add, below my ever loving mother and sumhow the woman who can hear everything managed to selectively NOT hear my 10 year old screams nd whales for help and the one person I wanted more then anything in the world at the moment bcz she was posed to protect me, her. Well we all kno the end she never came and several years later when I finally exploaded and told my secret I was of course lying and was just looking for attention. Which ironically is exactly wat im accused of these days. My drug addiction, quest for sobriety, and attempts to get my life in order are all, according to mommy dearest, all immature cries for much needed attention. Funny bcz I would rather have kept this entire situation a secret. Now that was just the first of many fukd up life altering experiences ive had the displeasure of living thru. Most recently my first husband decided the best way to hurt me like I hurt him was to kill his self in a way that I would deff be the one that found him. Might I add this was my anniversary present of sorts considering the day it all happened was our 3rd anniversary. I loved him very much but not in the way a wife loves a husband. More like a motherly role. We were seperated at the time and had been for over a year. Our relationship was very complicated bcz as I said he was like a child to me. I made sure he was taken care of. A year prior he tried to kill his self by jumping from a overpass nd landing on the top of his head. He didnt die but instead shattered the almost entire left side of his body. So from that moment til his last I took caring for him very serious. Im sure nost could see where that would impact several aspejcts of ones life. Not to many guys ate very OK with their girl letting her husband stay with her when needed, financially would help, and basically anything else he needed I would do. Most relationships didnt last long bcz frankly Aaron came b4 any Guy. It also made lots of other things difficult. When he died it was like a piece of me was just gone. I had this huge hole and I did what I do best. I stuffed that hole as full as I could with as many opiates of any kind as was possible without killing myself. Now as I am 30 days into trying to clean up nd get my life together im also forced into dealing with this massive ever growing hole in my self that started at age 10 and has continued to grow over the years. Ive decided the reason I finally was fed up with my addiction and did as much as possible to get sober and stay that way for the first time ever was bcz that hole had gotten so big that the only way to fill it up would have been to much and I would have died. Somewhere in this brain there's some shred of myself and it thankfully was able to fight just hard enough to come thru and allow me to seek help. Now did this turn out how I planned or hoped it would? Hell no! If it had I would be writing that today marks my 1 month clean. Instead im sitting here after using everyday since a week ago Tues. Im so up in arms over the entire situation. My bi-polar is rapid cycling. Usually I cycle from manic, to normal, to depressed over a course of several days up to several weeks. Instead im cycling several times a day. Thry recently claim that I also have p.t.s.d. Now I have never been seen or treated for that yet. Not even sure what if any treatments there are. I was able to make a counciling apt today for thr 23rd and its for substance abuse and mental health. Thr best part is somehow I qualified for reduced services which means I am posed to pay my 15 copay at every visit but if I dont have the funds then they'll see me anyways. Now I kno ppl are saying why is that surprising or good. Well bcz where im from I havnt qualified for any state assistance since I married my husband a year ago. That means no medical cards, food stamps, wic, not a dam thing. No med cards makes getting any kinda treatment very hard. Specialy considering ive been red flagged at every local hospital for years now. Apparently emergency room shopping for pain pills is frowned upon lol. Owell they didn

Relapse...i hate myself

As I sit here waiting, I fukn hate waiting by the way, I can not help but ask myself just how I got here again. I was so sure I was gonna kick this shit. Guess that's how nieave I am with all this. In less then a month I went from doing great nd my marriage doing good to forward to today. Me screaming I didnt touch the money knowing dam well I did. Then pretending to get all offended nd storm out knowing its all just my act to go cop nd cum home not sniffiling like a winter cold nd have a smile on my face. However today when I get home I will not be walking into a friendly inviroment. More like war. Like my very own private war on drugs or terrorist. That wat I see myself as anyways. I might as well be strapping my self with an explosiive nd blowing up every happy thing I possess.

Stupid ppl and their password protected wifi connections!!

OK well I have several posts that I really wanna add onto here but due to my lack of liking to pay bills on time nd bcz I much rather enjoyed getting just that much extra shit on hubby's paydays lol. So we are out of cable nd internet right now nd only time I can upload my posts are when I can actually find an unsecured wifi connection. Which around here I probably have a better chance getting free dope then finding someone that is nice enough to wanna share their hard earned wifi with their less then fortunate neighbors. I mean hey wat are neighbors for if you can borrow sugar, eggs, and your hundred dollar a month high speed internet lol. So anyways I think I am going to head to the library or McDonald's tomorrow where I can get some free internet and I plan on uploading the few posts ive written in the last week or so. Over the holiday we went camping at my husband's patents camp nd I have one hell of a blog from there. Just for a sneak peak at my adventurous camping trip, his patents are nudest nd so is their entire camp. Long story short we've gone several times bit usually off season and when its cold they wear clothes. Well its in season and today it was 104 out not including heat index nd humidity. S deff not wearing cloi had to be withput clothes so ive always enjoyed going. Well aparently that was only bthes. Ive never been asked to be unclothed or told it wasnt an option to be nude if we were there visiting. I'll explain the whole story nd details of the place in my blog. But I wanted to get everyone excited to read it bcz the point to my story is we were told either remove the clothes or we couldn't stay for more then a few hours. Mind you it takes us a few hours to just get there so driving back home was not a fun sounding option. So me, someone who is so awkward about nakedness well my own anyways that after 2 years of marriage I still have to have lights off during sex with my husband 9% of the time. Thr other 10% im usually so fukd up my freakness comes out and I prefer all the lights on and would go so far as invite an audience lol. But I got naked nd gotta say I had the funnest, most relaxing, free feeling 2 days in a very long time. And sober I mite add. As long as drinking like a fish dont count and in my reality drinking dont count bcz I drink once every 6 months. So I appologise for horrible spelling, weird punctuation, and all together crappy writing in this post but my My Touch is not made for blogging nd drives me insane trying to