Up, down, back, forth...does it ever end???

That's how my brain feels. Now I should probably explain my mental history a bit before I go on. My childhood, teen years, early adult years were anything but easy or pleasent. Now im not one to blame my drug problems on any of the bullshit ive experienced thru out my life. No one forced the shit up my nose. No I graciously accepted every last grain myself nd mite I add I loved it so much I hated it. Anyways back to my crazy brain. So at the ripe old age of 10 I was raped by my moms then boyfriend. Up until then life was great and full of sparkle. Now as I am 29 and have yet to fully deal with this so forgive me if I dont explain in more detail. The one thing I will say is we lived in a duplex with very thin walls and my sparkling life was dimmed in our basement a mere 2 floors, thin floors I will add, below my ever loving mother and sumhow the woman who can hear everything managed to selectively NOT hear my 10 year old screams nd whales for help and the one person I wanted more then anything in the world at the moment bcz she was posed to protect me, her. Well we all kno the end she never came and several years later when I finally exploaded and told my secret I was of course lying and was just looking for attention. Which ironically is exactly wat im accused of these days. My drug addiction, quest for sobriety, and attempts to get my life in order are all, according to mommy dearest, all immature cries for much needed attention. Funny bcz I would rather have kept this entire situation a secret. Now that was just the first of many fukd up life altering experiences ive had the displeasure of living thru. Most recently my first husband decided the best way to hurt me like I hurt him was to kill his self in a way that I would deff be the one that found him. Might I add this was my anniversary present of sorts considering the day it all happened was our 3rd anniversary. I loved him very much but not in the way a wife loves a husband. More like a motherly role. We were seperated at the time and had been for over a year. Our relationship was very complicated bcz as I said he was like a child to me. I made sure he was taken care of. A year prior he tried to kill his self by jumping from a overpass nd landing on the top of his head. He didnt die but instead shattered the almost entire left side of his body. So from that moment til his last I took caring for him very serious. Im sure nost could see where that would impact several aspejcts of ones life. Not to many guys ate very OK with their girl letting her husband stay with her when needed, financially would help, and basically anything else he needed I would do. Most relationships didnt last long bcz frankly Aaron came b4 any Guy. It also made lots of other things difficult. When he died it was like a piece of me was just gone. I had this huge hole and I did what I do best. I stuffed that hole as full as I could with as many opiates of any kind as was possible without killing myself. Now as I am 30 days into trying to clean up nd get my life together im also forced into dealing with this massive ever growing hole in my self that started at age 10 and has continued to grow over the years. Ive decided the reason I finally was fed up with my addiction and did as much as possible to get sober and stay that way for the first time ever was bcz that hole had gotten so big that the only way to fill it up would have been to much and I would have died. Somewhere in this brain there's some shred of myself and it thankfully was able to fight just hard enough to come thru and allow me to seek help. Now did this turn out how I planned or hoped it would? Hell no! If it had I would be writing that today marks my 1 month clean. Instead im sitting here after using everyday since a week ago Tues. Im so up in arms over the entire situation. My bi-polar is rapid cycling. Usually I cycle from manic, to normal, to depressed over a course of several days up to several weeks. Instead im cycling several times a day. Thry recently claim that I also have p.t.s.d. Now I have never been seen or treated for that yet. Not even sure what if any treatments there are. I was able to make a counciling apt today for thr 23rd and its for substance abuse and mental health. Thr best part is somehow I qualified for reduced services which means I am posed to pay my 15 copay at every visit but if I dont have the funds then they'll see me anyways. Now I kno ppl are saying why is that surprising or good. Well bcz where im from I havnt qualified for any state assistance since I married my husband a year ago. That means no medical cards, food stamps, wic, not a dam thing. No med cards makes getting any kinda treatment very hard. Specialy considering ive been red flagged at every local hospital for years now. Apparently emergency room shopping for pain pills is frowned upon lol. Owell they didn