Relapse...i hate myself

As I sit here waiting, I fukn hate waiting by the way, I can not help but ask myself just how I got here again. I was so sure I was gonna kick this shit. Guess that's how nieave I am with all this. In less then a month I went from doing great nd my marriage doing good to forward to today. Me screaming I didnt touch the money knowing dam well I did. Then pretending to get all offended nd storm out knowing its all just my act to go cop nd cum home not sniffiling like a winter cold nd have a smile on my face. However today when I get home I will not be walking into a friendly inviroment. More like war. Like my very own private war on drugs or terrorist. That wat I see myself as anyways. I might as well be strapping my self with an explosiive nd blowing up every happy thing I possess.