As I sit here at almost 4am I cant help but wonder how in the hell I have gotten to this point in my life. Specially now. ^ weeks ago I hot such a low in my life personally that I actually begged my husband and family, after being brutialy honest with them and telling everyone that surprise surprise Ima Junkie lol, no my ulcer isnt making me puke all the time, no I am not just sick all the time, and no life isnt THAT stressful i actually look the way I do, stopped caring about personal hygene and food, and had eratic behavior because I was stuffing as much dope up my nose as I could afford to get. Now you might be saying well good for you you took the first step and admitted you had a problem, you told your loved ones AND you sought out help. I even managed to get myslef into one of the top rated Treatment facilities in northern KY. Now I only stayed 2 days but hey I can at least say I went. ANd yea I do give myself credit for all of those things. Its the most Ive ever done to better myself in the 15+ years Ive batteled all sorts of addictions Ive aquired. By the way I do appologise for my awful spelling and grammer. Even though I am actually a fairly intelligent person even have a college degree, in criminal justice no less LOL haha now thats just funny to me. Anywho I appologise for the horendious spelling and grammer. Ive loved writing my whole life and even won several awards and competitions but I have never really liked worrying about spelling or grammer. Maybe thats because having spell and grammer checks and the fact that these days most of my writing is done threw text on a phone most of spelling and grammer have just become lazily horrible. Take into consideration its 4 am and I am beyond blowed, more then I have been ever I think. I just cant seem to muster up the concern for how i spell or is everything is typed out correctly because well frankly this is my bog and if I wanna abbreviate everything I have that right. Lets just say its my calling card lol. Ill be the chick with the blogg that is easily distracted, rambles, and has the worst spelling and grammer EVER!! Hey at least it might make me stand out. Probably wont get me any awards or book offers but hey not like I would be expecting anything of the sorts anyways. I just get excited if someone actually reads the dribble I put down.
But I am getting distracted yet again. I seem to do that a lot and from what I read on many other bloggs I aint the only one that seems to have that problem. I dont know if its the addict brain thats probably got a few missed connection going on up there or if its the bi-polar or whatever your "mental defect" is that causes the distraction malfunction or if its that one of those leads to the other or vise versa....now im confused lol. Time to move on or rather back to what I originally was writing about. Sorry if I get confusing , as you see i confuse myself so just please try to bear with me. So 6 weeks ago I did a whole 2 days of "treatment" and came home and toughed out the last few days of my horrific detox/withdraws at home mostly spent on my enclosed porch with my MP3 player and many many cigarettes. I sat on teh orch bcz as we all know your freezing during withdraws and it was in the low 80's at night and 90's during the day so while everyone else was dying of heat strokes I was quite comfy lol. Deff helped out with those nast electric goose bumps or as I like to call them the electrifying crawly bug things lol. But I was very very determined for the first week and then I fucked up naturally. I mean how the hell can you not expect me to fuck up when I didnt change one aspect of my life and had no treatment plan set up. Over the last few weeks my life has fallen apart. Which is kinda crazy because prior to me being honest about my little secret and trying to get better my life, minus my habbit, was what most strive to achieve. I have a wonderful husband who is very drug free, worked a great job (him not me), 4 beautiful girls that even tho I had a habit I took very good care of and strived for the most normal suburban blissful life for them, own our own home, own 3 cars, have many expensive gadgets to make suburbanites happy the whole 9. Maybe thats what kept eveyone in denial for so long. I couldnt possibliy be to bad off if my life could be so good. I mean obviously if I was as bad off as I looked and acted then at the very least my kids would be showing signs, right? Wrong. But after I came clean and decided I needed to change I got what I wanted, CHANGE. Sadly tho I got the kind of change I didnt want. I am not quite ready to reveal in vivid detail what all has changed to the worse but the edited version is Husband was fired(not his nor my actions), social services is now poking around my life and made me tale a drug test that I failed so not sure if they are gonna take my girls or meybe get me the help I truly know I need, hubby cant find work and neither can I so now faced with possibly having to sell my house that we just bought 2 months ago and I will add is totally paid for so that was a huge accomplishment, we are totally broke but yet somehow I still manage to find enough money to get dope almost daily now, and lat but not least I crossed my own line I swore I would NEVER cross and I have finally felt what dope feels like when you experience it thru a needle.
Yup thats right, I the biggest idiot decided that I would finally try it the way I never was gonna do. Its like everything I said well I dont have this going on or that going on and Ive never done tis or that has all happened in the very few weeks that I wanted and tried to schieve sobriety and failed miserably. Now I am bak to using almost daily and if I dont have it I am back to being sick and worst of all I am on random drug screens to not lose my kids and I still cant force myself to stop. For the first time ever I have actually thought maybe they would just be better off wothout me, hubby too. Deep inside I truly do want to stop. But theres this whole otehr part of me that doesnt wanna stop because the short period I was totally clean I hated it. I hated not feeling that warm cozy feeling that makes me clean the house, cook dinner, go do fun stuff with the kids, have great times with my husband. The only thing I liked was I gained almost 30 lbs back and I started showering daily. But I am back to barely eating and I still shower daily but thats because I am trying to keep up apperences because if my husband finds out I am still usining hes done and can ya blame him? I wouldnt. Hell I told him today hed be better off if I either died or he just left me.
BUt its now almost 430 and I really need to try and sleep and it shudn be to hard considering I am nodding off every few min. Its a very good thing I do not have the balls or know how to stick myself because I must say this was the best high I have ever had. I seriously need to stay away from my daughters father. I just cant tell him no and I shoudl say no to even talking to him. Even though I am not physically cheatoing on my husband I might as well be. I cant imagine what it would do to him to find out I made up some crazy stpry top leave at midnight to go to the fukin hood with my daughter (the daughter he raises by the way nd has raised since she was just a few months old, she only knows my husband as dad she dont even know her bio dad, sad huh) dead beat sperm donor to get dope and let him stick me in the arm all while he sits here with my daughter and no money to get himself even cigs but yet I can waste the gas we have to go meet him and whille I had no cash to get my own I risked gettin pulled over driving around at 3 am in our car with a suspended License. Because we can afford that extra bill right. My court costs, impihnd fees, and anything else I would get and I am totally sire the social worker wouldnt take to likly to that senerio either. I am gonna end up losing everything in my life I care about. The sad part is I dont know what I wanna lose everything or the dope?? How fucked up and sick is that?? I know its just the addiction that makes me think that way because I truly do wanna stop this and be the wife/mom/woman I used to be I know I can be. I just dont know what to do hopw to do it or where the hell to get it from. I feel so dam lost its insane.
Well I am going to sleep so I can wake up and go about figuring out another day. I am really gonna try to not get anything tomorrow. I got a half a sub and I am gonna try to just take it and see if I can try stopping yet again. Maybe I should just tell my husband what I am doing and tell him he needs to lock me up somewhere until I am much much better. @ days really isnt long enough to help a fly. Hopefully I wasnt to all over the place. Thanks to anyone that actually reads my posts and by all means please comment. I could use any advice anyone has to give. God knows I am dying for someone to relate to. Here's to hoping I fall asleep and just stay that way. I dont wanna die but I would be perfectly happy to fall into a coma and stay that way for a few months or so and maybe I would wake up and have a fighting chance to fight this shit.....
But I am getting distracted yet again. I seem to do that a lot and from what I read on many other bloggs I aint the only one that seems to have that problem. I dont know if its the addict brain thats probably got a few missed connection going on up there or if its the bi-polar or whatever your "mental defect" is that causes the distraction malfunction or if its that one of those leads to the other or vise versa....now im confused lol. Time to move on or rather back to what I originally was writing about. Sorry if I get confusing , as you see i confuse myself so just please try to bear with me. So 6 weeks ago I did a whole 2 days of "treatment" and came home and toughed out the last few days of my horrific detox/withdraws at home mostly spent on my enclosed porch with my MP3 player and many many cigarettes. I sat on teh orch bcz as we all know your freezing during withdraws and it was in the low 80's at night and 90's during the day so while everyone else was dying of heat strokes I was quite comfy lol. Deff helped out with those nast electric goose bumps or as I like to call them the electrifying crawly bug things lol. But I was very very determined for the first week and then I fucked up naturally. I mean how the hell can you not expect me to fuck up when I didnt change one aspect of my life and had no treatment plan set up. Over the last few weeks my life has fallen apart. Which is kinda crazy because prior to me being honest about my little secret and trying to get better my life, minus my habbit, was what most strive to achieve. I have a wonderful husband who is very drug free, worked a great job (him not me), 4 beautiful girls that even tho I had a habit I took very good care of and strived for the most normal suburban blissful life for them, own our own home, own 3 cars, have many expensive gadgets to make suburbanites happy the whole 9. Maybe thats what kept eveyone in denial for so long. I couldnt possibliy be to bad off if my life could be so good. I mean obviously if I was as bad off as I looked and acted then at the very least my kids would be showing signs, right? Wrong. But after I came clean and decided I needed to change I got what I wanted, CHANGE. Sadly tho I got the kind of change I didnt want. I am not quite ready to reveal in vivid detail what all has changed to the worse but the edited version is Husband was fired(not his nor my actions), social services is now poking around my life and made me tale a drug test that I failed so not sure if they are gonna take my girls or meybe get me the help I truly know I need, hubby cant find work and neither can I so now faced with possibly having to sell my house that we just bought 2 months ago and I will add is totally paid for so that was a huge accomplishment, we are totally broke but yet somehow I still manage to find enough money to get dope almost daily now, and lat but not least I crossed my own line I swore I would NEVER cross and I have finally felt what dope feels like when you experience it thru a needle.
Yup thats right, I the biggest idiot decided that I would finally try it the way I never was gonna do. Its like everything I said well I dont have this going on or that going on and Ive never done tis or that has all happened in the very few weeks that I wanted and tried to schieve sobriety and failed miserably. Now I am bak to using almost daily and if I dont have it I am back to being sick and worst of all I am on random drug screens to not lose my kids and I still cant force myself to stop. For the first time ever I have actually thought maybe they would just be better off wothout me, hubby too. Deep inside I truly do want to stop. But theres this whole otehr part of me that doesnt wanna stop because the short period I was totally clean I hated it. I hated not feeling that warm cozy feeling that makes me clean the house, cook dinner, go do fun stuff with the kids, have great times with my husband. The only thing I liked was I gained almost 30 lbs back and I started showering daily. But I am back to barely eating and I still shower daily but thats because I am trying to keep up apperences because if my husband finds out I am still usining hes done and can ya blame him? I wouldnt. Hell I told him today hed be better off if I either died or he just left me.
BUt its now almost 430 and I really need to try and sleep and it shudn be to hard considering I am nodding off every few min. Its a very good thing I do not have the balls or know how to stick myself because I must say this was the best high I have ever had. I seriously need to stay away from my daughters father. I just cant tell him no and I shoudl say no to even talking to him. Even though I am not physically cheatoing on my husband I might as well be. I cant imagine what it would do to him to find out I made up some crazy stpry top leave at midnight to go to the fukin hood with my daughter (the daughter he raises by the way nd has raised since she was just a few months old, she only knows my husband as dad she dont even know her bio dad, sad huh) dead beat sperm donor to get dope and let him stick me in the arm all while he sits here with my daughter and no money to get himself even cigs but yet I can waste the gas we have to go meet him and whille I had no cash to get my own I risked gettin pulled over driving around at 3 am in our car with a suspended License. Because we can afford that extra bill right. My court costs, impihnd fees, and anything else I would get and I am totally sire the social worker wouldnt take to likly to that senerio either. I am gonna end up losing everything in my life I care about. The sad part is I dont know what I wanna lose everything or the dope?? How fucked up and sick is that?? I know its just the addiction that makes me think that way because I truly do wanna stop this and be the wife/mom/woman I used to be I know I can be. I just dont know what to do hopw to do it or where the hell to get it from. I feel so dam lost its insane.
Well I am going to sleep so I can wake up and go about figuring out another day. I am really gonna try to not get anything tomorrow. I got a half a sub and I am gonna try to just take it and see if I can try stopping yet again. Maybe I should just tell my husband what I am doing and tell him he needs to lock me up somewhere until I am much much better. @ days really isnt long enough to help a fly. Hopefully I wasnt to all over the place. Thanks to anyone that actually reads my posts and by all means please comment. I could use any advice anyone has to give. God knows I am dying for someone to relate to. Here's to hoping I fall asleep and just stay that way. I dont wanna die but I would be perfectly happy to fall into a coma and stay that way for a few months or so and maybe I would wake up and have a fighting chance to fight this shit.....
Hiya Angel
ReplyDeleteThat's bad news about your old mans job, I had to fold my business recently, this recession really sucks ! At least you don't have a mortgage to worry about.
I think most people who inject start out saying they're never gonna do it, I smoked it for about 5yrs before I caved in & I found once I got used to injecting it was practically impossible to go back, it's a good thing you're not doing it yourself & if you've only done it a few times hopefully you wont have become too dependant upon it. The main problem with injecting is it's so much more economic & efficient, but it's not long before your tolerance goes up & it ends up costing even more.
I've found when attempting to kick it's a good idea to plan & get some usefull supplies such as some subutex or methadone for a rapid reduction, codeine tablets are really useful, any kind of sleeping tablets & of course any benzoes. I also find I benefit from hashish & alchohol, if you know what your doing you can detox relatively painlessly - you just have to be carefull when mixing all these drugs. But as you know stopping is the easy part, anyone can do that, it's the STAYING STOPPED THAT'S TOUGH & what you need for that is the will ! You have to want it for YOU! It's got to be 100%.
I've met a handfull of people who've stopped & have stayed stopped, I've noticed one common factor amongst those people. They've all looked me straight in the eyes and stated " I'm never taking gear again, EVER ! "
And HEY ! Be positive you can do this. You have loads to live for, Why don't you sell the house & take the family on a round the world trip until the recession is over ?
Whatever you do I wish you success,
Take care Angel x