. Well its been a while since ive written an actual post and for partly good reason. My life has officially spirialed outta control nd literally fallen apart. Eveerything that I was clinging to nd in a way using as my "excuse" as to why even tho obviously having an addiction to dope nd "trying" to get clean I still had a pretty good life and didnt consider myself to be as bad off as other ppl I knew specialy like the girls that was in that "treatment" center I attended for 2.5 days bak in June. I used the fact that 99% of the girls in the place were not like me such as they had criminal records, prostituted theirselves, were homeless, had lost custody of their kids, had lost meaningful relationships with non addict ppl I.e husbands, friends, family. nd the fact that the place was basically used for Dept of corrections nd 99% of the girls were ordered there by dept. of corrections nd most gladly took the chance to go bcz even tho it was like jail to me sumone that was not in actual jail nor was I accustomed to actual jail most of them were nd from what I gathered from convos with them that place was like a huge step up nd considerably better than actual jail or the other portion was homeless nd trickin to support their habbits nd lives nd having a bed, shower, clean clothes nd surroundings, 3 meals a day plus snacks nd drinks readily available, nd the program providing a safe environment that as long as yu work the uentire program at the end they get yu set up with housing, work, getting legal issues nd custody issues resolved nd making sure they have access nd set up with programs nd ppl to help ensure yu stay successful nd help prevent there relapse. I used the fact that I was not in those dire situations nd didnt intend to complete the total program bcz I didnt need housing nd other things like that bcz I had custody of my kids, I had a solid marriage to a non addict I had relationship wth my family nd friends, I wasnt homeless bcz we owned our own home with all the electronics nd home furnishings every suburbanite could ever want, we owned several cars, we were ok financially bcz the money I spent was my extra money for things like naiSo ls or getting my hair done. So bcz I felt like I wasnt in the same dire situation as those girls and the girls on the waiting list that was many months long I rationalized takin myself tht by me being there was selfish nd I was taking a spot from sumone who needed it much more than I did nd their life mighta depended on getting in there nd I used that to make it ok to leave and to make it ok to everyone else as well. Granted I did not like the way they made yu feel like yu was in jail but treatment is treatment nd had I of stayed I wudn be where im at today. At a friends house on her couch nd have lost it all. My house, my husband, my kids, my self worth. Everything. So ive decided im done. Im going to our local hospital nd im telling them I need to get clean nd if I cant im going home nd overdosing on purpose. Im done with this whole situation. If im lucky they'll give me a state paid voucher to go down to a rehab the hospital runs nd I really wanna go to this one. I just hope they keep me nd they qualify me bcz if I dont qualify then ill stay in the psych ward for a few days nd then ill get released. I dont wana get released. So here goes nothing. Hopefully the next time I write to yu all I have sum decent clean time nd ive finally gotten sum help nd hopefully tht means ive gotten my kids, husband, nd life back.