Well folks here I sit at almost 1am on day 5 clean. A few weeks back I admitted myself to the nut ward for medical detox nd wat I thought was an opportunity to go on a state voucher to the hospitals inpatient rehab center. I had gone wen I was 23 nd have been desperately tryin to get there to get thru this addiction. My addiction last time was coke. I was moderately sober for a while after that. And by that I mean I had no physical addictions. Ironically the first time I ever tried dope was wen I got outta there and was dating nd hanging with ppl I met while there tht were all there for yu guessed it heroin addiction. I fukn hated it!!!!I puked for like 3 days nd I walked in on them shooting up nd it freaked me the fuk out. So bad so I never spoke to any of them ever again. Kinda ironic here it's almost 6 yrs later to the day sincd I was there nd had the hospital of sent me id be the one there for dope. Wonder who I wuda befriended. But alas I didnt qualify. Why yu ask? Oh bcz I have fukn Medicaid. To those not familiar wth wat tht is its state health ins. Like ppl who get welfare nd food stamps nd get Medicaid. Well bcz I actually had state health ins tht wuda paid I didnt qualify. Only ppl with no health ins or financial means qualify. Wat a fukn joke. Im begging everyone that ive been taught that are the ppl to go to for help nd not one person has helped me. So of course I get sent home after 2.5 days in the nut ward. Well guess wat folks the next day I had court where I legally lost custody of my 3 youngest girls. Then I was hit with divorce papers nd legal papers stating my car nd our home are solely in my husbands name so I must surrender my car nd im not allowed in the house without his consent nd I must turn over any nd all keys to both. Also if I ever get my shit together nd actually get bak to court nd im giving custody of my kids back I have to fight him for my youngest in divorce court. Well considering hes already filed im pretty sure ill never get her back bcz we'll be in divorce court before ill ever get bak to court for my kids. So sad. I was totally honest about everything nd more or less got on my fukn knees nd begged everyone from my piece of shit public defender up to the social worker to the judge to please just put me in a fukn rehab. A semi long term inpatient rehab. Deff no less than 30 days nd preferably 60-90. Wanna know sumthin funny? Everyone of them told me good luck nd yur on yur own. Here's a list try these places. Most of which only accept private ins or cash. Lots of cash. So wen I left court I had nothing nd no where to go nd not a dime. I did sumthin really dumb nd sold sum gold jewelry nd was stunned wen I got 390 for it. Well tht changed my mood. I now had money nd was able to pay my "friends" the 40 I owed them so I Aldo gad a place to lice. So on our way to Ohio we go nd within 2 hrs if court I was blissfully in my heroin haze. I remained that way for the next 11-13 days. But over that time my husband calmed down. We started seeing each other even had a wonderful day with our daughter at the museum center. I finally stated I wished we cud just go home. Mind yu he thought I was still clean nd had no clue where I was actually staying. Well I was just done with it I guess nd I was honest with him last Thurs nd said ive been using nd im staying at so nd so but I really wanna cum home. I got barraged wth many nasty things nd I wad everything but a white woman. This went on for several hours. To thr point I actually said fuk it nd turned my phone off. He showed up a while later nd just so happened after being very fukn dope sick all day we were finally about to go score. Now I knew in my gut I shud go with him. I needed to go with him. That if I didn't go with him ill lose everything forever nd ill have to accept my life as a junkie bcz GE wont look back. Wat did I do yu say? Well I started a fight so I cud storm off nd say bye nd be able to blame him for me staying. Usually tht mixed wth my heroin hazed brain I wuda felt little to no guilt. Funny thing happened tho. With every hit...1-2-3...I felt more nd mire guilt. So I txt him nd blantintly asked him to come bak nd get me. He got me at almost midnight last Thursday. I left knowing once I got yo our house I wud basically be in jail. Stuck here wth no way to go anywhere nd I was gonna go thru withdraws. The only things I had for my upcoming detox battle was half a 8ng suboxin nd 10 vistaril from wen I was in the nut ward. Well its now day 5 nd while I didnt feel great my detox was not bad. Now im fighting crazy mania, sleeplessness until im exhausted nd pass out for a few not deep sleep hours and the worst thing the war going on inside me between the 2 "MD's" The addict me nd the non addict me. Its an epic battle nd im rooting for the non addict me but the addict me is a fukn prized fighter with a helluva upper cut so I guess we'll have go see how far I can go. Gonna try to sleep nd wake up on day 5 nd just ask God nd hold my strength to hopefully make it thru to day 6. Really I havd to take it 1 day, hour, min at a time. IIf I dont ill lose nd non addict me with be KO'd. by addict me's. upper cut. Ill try to post daily but all depends on my mind status nd if I can bcz im posting from my phone. Wish me luck. I have everything to gain nd nothing left to lose!!!
No comments:
Post a Comment