*~So now you've grown tired of grass,
LSD, goofballs, cocaine, and hash
And someone, pretending to be a true friend
Said "I'll introduce you to Miss Heroine"
Well honey, before you start fooling with me,
...
LSD, goofballs, cocaine, and hash
And someone, pretending to be a true friend
Said "I'll introduce you to Miss Heroine"
Well honey, before you start fooling with me,
...
Just let me inform you of how it'll be
For I will seduce you and make you my slave
I've sent men much stronger than you to their graves
You think you could never become a disgrace
And end up addicted to poppy seed waste
So you'll start inhaling me one afternoon
Then you'll take me into your arms very soon
Once I have entered deep down in your veins
The craving will nearly drive you insane
You'll need lots of money as you have been told
For darling I'm much more expensive than gold
You'll swindle anyone just for a buck
You'll turn into something vile and corrupt
You'll mug and you'll steal for my narcotic charms
And feel contentment when I'm in your arms
The day you realize the monster you've grown
You'll solemnly swear to leave me alone
But the vomit, the cramp, your gut tied in a knot,
The jangled nerves screaming for just one more shot
The cold chills and hot sweats, the withdrawal pains
Can only be saved by my little white grains
There's no other way and no need to look
For deep down inside you know you're hooked
You'll desperately run to the pusher,
And just as I foretold
I know that you'll give me your body and soul
You'll give up your morals, your conscience, your heart
And you'll be mine, til death do us part~*
See MoreFor I will seduce you and make you my slave
I've sent men much stronger than you to their graves
You think you could never become a disgrace
And end up addicted to poppy seed waste
So you'll start inhaling me one afternoon
Then you'll take me into your arms very soon
Once I have entered deep down in your veins
The craving will nearly drive you insane
You'll need lots of money as you have been told
For darling I'm much more expensive than gold
You'll swindle anyone just for a buck
You'll turn into something vile and corrupt
You'll mug and you'll steal for my narcotic charms
And feel contentment when I'm in your arms
The day you realize the monster you've grown
You'll solemnly swear to leave me alone
But the vomit, the cramp, your gut tied in a knot,
The jangled nerves screaming for just one more shot
The cold chills and hot sweats, the withdrawal pains
Can only be saved by my little white grains
There's no other way and no need to look
For deep down inside you know you're hooked
You'll desperately run to the pusher,
And just as I foretold
I know that you'll give me your body and soul
You'll give up your morals, your conscience, your heart
And you'll be mine, til death do us part~*
Hi Fallen Angel, I can so relate to your previous "soul searching" post. Everyday I scream inside "What is wrong with my brain?" . . . from waking up determined to have "day one" whatever happens, I will stay clean, to finding myself texting the dealer again . . . Thinking tomorrow I will deffo do this . . . Just like you, I do want to do this (even tho it dont look like that to an outsider) but I can't seem to get a day one at the minute, let alone 2 or 3. I even have methadone, so I don't have to be ill . . . I've got no fucking excuse whatsoever. Apart from being an addict, that is.
ReplyDeleteJust know that you're not alone, I know that don't help an awful lot but There's a lot of us struggling with this fucka.
I gonna try again, just for today, to get on the bottom rung of the ladder (again). Thinking of you and hoping and praying you can get a few days clean. Take care and keep writing x
Yeah till Death.
ReplyDeleteMaybe I shouldn't say this, but one reason (among many) I wanna clean up is to wipe out my tolerance to opiates, so I can curl up and die of an opiate overdose. All the shit I write on my blog and really all I want is death. Absolutely 100% certain death for ever and ever. If only.
I do appoligise that my reply to your comment is seriously a short story of sorts lol. I am in the midst of my mental stage that I have these long running thoughts and when I have a convo or am writing my comment to someone it somehow gets outta hand and become way more then I intended it to from the begining. So I cudn do it as a single reply so its a 2 part comment posted below. I wun blame ya if you skim thru and only read the parts that jump out. Now I feel as tho its all relevent but hey that sme and my opinion on my thoughts lol of course I feel every thought I put down is important if i didnt then I woudl have an even bigger issue then the one im having now being that I just cant seem to shut up once i get started so I amgonna force myself to cut this reply off now.
DeleteGleds I'm with you. Eventually I'll have to get off the juice, and loose my tolerance. Then I can, as you say, "curl up and die of an heroin overdose etc..."
DeleteSooner rather than later.
Oh gleds. I really hate to hear you say this. However sadly I totally relate.Its crazy bcz in reality and sober and even high I am absoutely TERRIFIED of death. If I start thinking to much about it or talking about it in depth I literally start having major panic attacks. The thing that scares me so bad is the fact of the unknown and the absoluteness of death itself. Just knowing once your dead your dead, thats it end of story. Theres no coming back theres no checking in on my kids, family, husband...or is there?? I personally have had a few very unexplainable experiences with the "paranormal" or ghosts or spirits. Whatever someone wud refer to them as. A couple have been very real very intense and very life altering. So that is actually something I cling to and knowing that if when you died you was just gone and you have no afterlife and spirit then thre would be no paranormal experiences and considering I am just one person amoung millions that have had very reliable experiences its the kinda hard evidence in a way I need I guess to kinda put my horrible fears at ease concerning death. But I am still very scared of it just bcz no matter wat experiences or faith I have no one can give me absolute proof of what happens to a person after they are dead and gone. Sadly unless someone figures out a way to produce that proof I will forever have this paralizing fear of death. But the whole point I was intending to make b4 I got sidetracked into my explination of my deep fear of death lol was I find it very funny and some what ironic that I am undenyably terrified of death HOWEVER about 6 months ago which was about 6 months after starting my relationship with Miss Heroine, I have done nothing but obssess over death and the relief it would bring to not only me but to my loved ones that are undoubtably suffering probly more then I am from my relationship from Miss Heroine. About 3 months ago the week prior to me going into that horrible so called "treatment center" (it was more like JAIL in reality than what I would call a treatment center IMHO) I actually had hit such a "bottom" amd was just sooo desperate to make it all just stop that I attempted to kill myself once by taking every type of over the counter medicine I had in my medicine cabenit and somehow and I have no idea how it didnt do anything at all to me except make my stomach hurt just a lil bit but other then that it didnt even make me sleepy and I took quite a large amount of diff types of pills and they werent just asperin or tylenol. So I dont know if I have a gaurdian angel or someone or something much larger then anything I could ever understand stepped in and did something to prevent what I was hoping to achieve. So instead of eeing it as a sign that I wasnt posed to die and I had much to live for I decided I needed to do something much more drastic to achieve my ultimate goal...death. To me death was the ONLY thing that would stop it all and would save my kids and hubby from knowing that I was secretly a junkie and would protect my kids from possibly growing up to have the same addiction issues
ReplyDeletefrom dealing with me and mine thru out their lives and I wudnt have Miss Heroine controlling every aspect f my being and instead of dying slowly and painfully and shamefully I could dye swift and wud be pittied instead of hated. SO I decided running my car into a pole at top speed wud be my answer. I cant cut myself Im not ballsy enough and shooting myself wud never be an option and deff neither wud hanging or sumthinhg like poison bcz they wud all be sumwat slow and painful. But many many ppl die instantly and from wat ppl say painlessly in head on top speed collisions on a daily basis so sounded like a winner to me. I actually sat in my car staring at the pole and debating how fast I needed to be going and from what angle wud be the best chance of it working and not just injuring myself drasticlly and ending up a vegatable that wud cause a huge burden and financial blow to my husband and kids and family which defeated the whole purpose of helping them by being gone. Long story short obviously I never ended up doing it and today I am glad I didnt but at the time I was so angry with myself. I found it ironic I was to scared to kill myself but yet I had no fear pr problem shoving dope in my body in large quatities on a daily basis. Ironically the drug took my fear of death away bcz it was nt the fear of actually dying that stopped me it was the fear of not doing it right and not dying but instead hurting myself. It seems like when I am not high in the sky emotionally from actually being high or when I have stopped using for a few days and have started to become sum what normal emotionally again thats when my horrible fear of death is there yet its not bad enough to keep me from doing a drug that could kill me any time I do it specialy now that I have crossed that line from snorting it to injecting it. Which by the way I am so pissed at myself for crossing that line. I know I have probly just sealed my own fate bcz I cudn stay stopped and clean b4 when I was just snorting it which from what I have been told numerous times its MUCH easier to get sober and stay sober if you dont inject but yet even tho the last 3 months I have had half the time clean and half the time high and I have been so determined to get it right and stay sober once and for all this is the time i decide to cross that line and go to the thing that is going to make it very hard for me to stop. I seriously wish that you dont die. I know I dont know you wat sp ever all i know is what you put on here and we all know that even tho i like to think its the true and real you its could all be fiction and you are nothing like you say. But the gleds I have gotten to know cyberly lol I think is a pretty awsome person and a positive addition to the world and you have a purpose for being here and if nothing else you and your lovely blogg have helped me on numerous occasions and actually encourage me a lot to keep going on my quest to being sober and has helped me regain sum self confidence by knowing I am not alone and a total stranger thousand of miles away takes time from his life to reda my dribble and comment to me and has compassion to me sumone hes never met probly never will but we have a connection bcz we are on the same twisted path in life and not just addiction wise but mental health wise as well. So gleds sorry for the novel length reply but I truly hope you will be around for a while and this feeling passes bcz I truly enjoy your cyber friendship!!! With lots of luv and care from way across the pond in lovely Kentucky lol warm regards Angel!!!
ReplyDeleteHey Angel and Gledwood,
ReplyDeleteDON'T DIE!!!!
I've felt like that So Many Times, but there's ALWAYS a better day. There is, there is.
I'm replying to you both because, well, you know, it makes sense.
For me, it's been a long hard road. The needle was more than the heroin in some ways. And you're right, it's not a place people generally go back to snorting or smoking from. Even if you have all the money in the world, never mind the waste, the needle's Queen.
But don't let folks tell you there's no going back. I haven't touched the needle for eleven years. There have been times I really, intensely wanted to. There have been times I conned my self into believing I couldn't be a good mother to my two kids without going back to heroin: and trust, me, I wouldn't have been smoking it.
I felt that depressed and anxious and my head was doing the 3000 rpm spin. I thought I'd never recover from the darkness that consumed my emotions. At times, I wanted overdoses.
That dark place is always lurking. I crave heroin a lot. But my kids help keep me strong. And you folks do too. I read a lot of these blogs these days and there are so many inspirational people, even people who choose to continue using heroin, yet find happiness and self acceptance. It is a medication after all.
More's the pity that society shuns us.
So you're not alone, as you know.
So I live for my kids, but not just for them, but for better days. There are always better days.
And being a heroin addict isn't the end of the world! Hey, get proud of it. If that sounds perverse, maybe it does, it makes a whole lot of sense to me, the senseless, perhaps.
It's part of the experience that makes you unique. You have an insight now into "what it's like": you can empathise with other addicts, you'll have become less judgemental, you'll be a more compassionate person for it. Be proud of it instead of beating yourself up and work from there.
It takes a strong person to inject. That takes courage. You can take that courage and turn it around and use it to not inject. To recover. That probably makes no sense at all, but you can recover if you really really want.
Mental illness issues are always a big underlying thing for a lot of heroin users: it serves a purpose: it kills the pain. More painful when you feel you have to hide what's going on from those who you should feel comfortable sharing everything. That's why I wish the stigma of addiction was chucked in the garbage where it belongs.
Well I just rambled on and was probably no use at all there, but...
DON'T DIE! You two are amazing people.
Stay safe and give yourselves a break.
Sending much
Love&Inspiration,
Vee X
We are quit similar. I too am 29 years old, and an addict. I wish to die from an overdose rather than hit "rock bottom". Right now though we are different in a few ways. I'm on Methadone, and because of this I no longer worship the poppy. I know I cannot live without it. I now use it in synthetic form. I do have my days when I miss the real deal, and the needle. The high by and by. This is not my first time on Methadone I've been on and off it since I was 24 or so. I used on top of the methadone for a long time, but this time my dealer wouldn't deal with me while I was on methadone so I had to stop. I'm glad I did. I have a lot more free time, and can think of other things rather than be focused on one goal day in and day out. No I'm not advocating methadone, just telling you my situation.
ReplyDeleteI can fully relate to you. I also have a blog and when I first started it was dedicated to everything heroin/drug related. I've since grown past the obessian of opiates/opioids . I still like to read about it now and again though. Which is why I'm here.
Anna Grace Young
Nice Blog.
ReplyDelete