Soul Searching

The last couple of days have been somwhat odd for me. I had attempted to once again stop using and once again life had other plans for me. Its like no matter how determined I am to stop and stay stopped life all of a sudden throws major curve balls my way. Another thing I noticed is the times that I wasnt willingly trying to stop but by a matter of being broke had no choice but to start the withdraw process and live thru the agony of my body emptying of all the plant matter that I have shoved into it and has slowly turned my cells from human to poppy based plant cells no one and I mean no onewould come thru. No matter what I did getting cash wasnt an option, I refuse to steal or pawn my things(at least until most recently), my guy had every reason why he couldnt front me, my very few user "friends" and babay dad wudn help me out, and subd werent around or I cudn afford any so I had no choice but to suffer thru until eventually I got money to get sum and stupidly start the cycle all over again. I recall a few times I had even gotten to like days 4 and maybe even longer and had actually started to feel a tiny bit better and somehoe I would get money and right across the river I would go. Talking to myself the entire time saying "why are you even going to get some. You know its just gonna start all over and you know its not gonna last you more then today and then in a day what are you gonna do?". I would then tell myself "well by the time I run out and start feeling shitty I will make sure I have money somehow or I will get a sub before thathappens. Ill plan ahead this time. No I will make sure it stretches out til watever day bcz whoever or watever is going to be on such and such day and Ill have however much money so Ill just do enough to keep from being sick til the". No matter what I would tell myself I couldnt stop myself from going to get it and I couldnt make myself stretch it out to prevent from being sick. No Ill admit that up until I actually kinda came clean to my husband and fam and freinds about my secret life and decided I was going to go to a treatment center that only lasted 2 whole days, I barly ever actually went without and was sick. Not until shit hit the fan and my husband lost his job and our financial situation was murdered did I really ever have to go without. I am kinda thankful tho that my husband lost his job and we were barly scraping by the last few months bcz had he not of lost his job and I had the access to the money I was used to my using would have been 100 times worse then it has been since I decided to get clean. My using was sparatic at first but slowly became an everyday thing and finally ended me back to where I am sick without it. HOWEVER my tolerence is much much lower somehow now. Before June I was doing at least a G a day now I am content with a $30 worth and can actualy stretch it for 2 days if I want. My withdraws are not nearly as agonising now either. But what I find funny or should I actually say aggrivating in a way is that everytime I decide I am going to just stop I am outta cash and I refuse to ask my dad and Ill get a sub or 2 and say Im just gonna take a half a day for a few days get thru the worst of the WD and then just stay clean and I am going to get my shit in order bcz if I dont I am serously about to lose the only thing I care about and need in my life, my girls. So Ill go a day or 2 maybe evern 3 pr 4 doing great on the subs and I am even string enough to ignore my guy when he'll txt and say flame is in or whatever. But usually byday 3 my lil asshole voice in my head starts up. God you know it would be nice to have some energy to get this or that done or go do sum fun stuff woth the girls. ANd Ill even be strong then and tell my voice well it would be nice but I am good. I have already taken sum subs and I am broke so no way to get any even if I tried. And BAM just like I subcontiously made a wish that was granted by the junky fairy and my phone will go off and low and behold it'll be my kids dad or a "friend" or my guy and its always an offer for free dope. No maybe if I was farther into my being clean and not on usually day 3 I would have the strength in me to tape that voices mouth shut and ignore the offer but no im only a few days in and before my voice can respond that tiny lil asshole voice replies and on my way I go to get sum even if its just one tiny line or shot or whatever and not even caring anymore what the requirments of myself are required to get the free dope. Then its over. After I have had a lil bit I have to have more. Its like I need as much as I can get to satisfy this internal itch and once I have satisfied that itch and done as much as I feel I wanted I am then once again able to speak and that asshole voice is nodded off in some dark junky corner of my fucked up brain. So once again I make all the well attempted plans to stop using again and stay clean. Then the cycle starts all over again. This last week its been a mixture of both of those things tho. Dope just being offered and sometimes for very not ok reasons, and I am very sad to say I have accepted and done some shit I am not even sure I an put on here bcz then I have to admit I did it and I am not sure I can do that. Take that and mix it with all the shitty things going on in my life and I just cant stop. I have full intentions of trying to stop again tomorrow and I know in my heart if I dont more then likely this time next week or maybe the following I will probly be writing my life is over bcz I have lost custody of my kids. Why isnt that scary enough to stop me????? WHAT IS WRONG WITH MY BRAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Well my sleeping meds are kicking in. Guess I am going to try to get some sleep before my girls wake me up early. I wanna try and spend as MUCH time with them as humanly possible on the chance the wrst happens.