Ok so the next couple posts are actually ones that I wrote up way back when I started this blog, so around thThe only time I have written anythng thin the first few days to weeks after I left the treatment center I went to for all of 2 days and for the first time in a long time was attempting to stay clean and attempting to write about the experience. Years ago I actually wrote all the time. Some things were fiction but I wrote a lot of life experinec pieces and somehow some people actually thought my writings were good and to my amazment in the later years of highschool I actually won several awards and even had several of my writings published in several diff books, contests, etc. As I got older and my life spiraled outta control writing became less and less a part of my life. The only time I have written anything since around age 19 its only been in personal journals or letters to people trying to explain some part of something to them. I have a horribly hard time explaining anything to people out loud. My best form of communication is and has always been writing. Its like I can put things down on paper I didnt even know I could say. So I came across these saved on my laptop from back before my internet was hooked up. When I started this blog I was using my phone and it was very difficult to write anything worth a shit on my phone. Occasionally I could borrow someones unsecured wifi but after a few times getting lucky doing that I couldnt get anymore unsecured connections so I just started writing posts in Wrod and saving them and had full intentions of uplaoding them once my internet was up and running. Not sure how I forgot about them but guess since Ive found them now I might as well post them considering I took the time to write them at the time.
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7/6/2012 (original written date)
Family…Would love to have the kind that enjoys HELPING you not FUCKING you…raw and HARD!!!
So ok obviously Its been about 3 weeks since I decided that enough was enough and had my “rock bottom” event where I flipped out on Brian (my husband) bcz he wouldn’t give me enough money to get the shit I needed i.e. diapers, food, milk cigs, gas AND have the extra that I needed to get me at least a half bcz I had barley been getting a quarter of what I was used to getting a day and I knew within a VERY short period of time I was gonna start withdraws bad and my role in this sham of a suburban life is doting stay at home mom/wife and its very difficult to keep up that appearance and keep it up well when you feel like your about to die and just blinking hurts like you just got beat with a fukn tree. My biggest issue was how the hell am I supposed to take care of 4 kids ranging from age 10 (who mentally she acts more like 5 or 6 bcz her dad and his family who have raised her and had custody since she was 4 are fruit loops and have convinced this child she has panic attacks to the point they actually BUILT HER A FUKN PANIC ROOM when she was 8!!) 4, 3 and 1. Now I know most people are shaking their pretty little heads in disgust that I was high and in charge of small children. Let me tell you idiots something. Opiates of ANY kind do not make you incomapacitated like some other drugs do. Especially when you are taking just enough to maintain normalcy. I haven’t actually gotten high in a long time. For many months leading up to me losing it and coming clean and attempting sobriety I literally was just maintaining. Getting high or the rush of energy I used to get was not in the cards. Being dope sick was not an option foe me. I am the sole caregiver of the 3 youngest girls I have. My husband was working 6 sometimes 7 days a week and left at 9 am and most days didn’t get off and make it back home til at least 9pm. He had the rare occasion that he actually even got to see our kids. Usually it was right as he walked in the door and would get to say goodnight to them and then the one day he would get off if he didn’t sleep the entire day away and then use the remaining hours doing something like cutting the grass or fixing a car or something that “he only got one day off what do I expect him to do”. Whatever. I agree it was shitty that I had to have some drug to function like a “normal” person but at least I was a good mom. I did more for and with my kids then a lot of “normal” moms do that are totally sober. Everyday we had some kind of activity that we did. Ranging from going to a number of different parks, to the water park, to shopping, out to eat, chuckie cheese, and so much more. So trust me when I say my kids didn’t hurt for anything least of all love and attention. My girls have a very nice house, room, clothes, toys, and just about anything and everything they want. Any money I ever spent on my shit was money that was there for me to use for shit like my nails, hair, clothes and whatever. There were many a days that I had only enough to get diapers or whatever my girls needed and trust me I would be sick before I used any money needed for their stuff on my shit. Maybe I am not your typical junkie but no one is the same and we aren’t all prostitute thieves that nod out in a gas station bathroom with a needle stuck in our arm. Does that make what I did/do any better then the next Uh NO but it also does not warrant me being labeled a bad parent who doesn’t care for or about her kids. My kids are my world and while my DOC is deff or should I say was hi up on my list of favorites it never came before them. Now did it bump Brian down a notch yes at the end it did and it always came before my own self worth. But that’s not really to hard to do considering I hate myself and have for many many years. The ONE good thing I have EVER done is my kids and the proof is in them. All of my kids are above average on their smartness. My 1 year old who is now 14 months can speak in full sentences, my 3 year old has been potty trained since before she was 2 and my 5 year old can figure things out that most adults have issues doing. I am now done speaking about them. I don’t really want them to be tied to a blog about my drug use and anything related. I just wanna make it very clear I still consider myself a good mother. I haven’t had my kids taken or anything like that and as for me deciding to go to treatment to detox and trying very hard to get sober that was all MY CHOICE. There was no outside influence or agency giving me ultimatums that I had to get clean or else. No I am 29 years old, have 4 great kids 3 of which are about to be in school and sports and stuff like that and I have an amazing husband who kills his self to ensure we have the bet life possible. I chose to be honest and seek help because I wanna give them all the best of me that I can and I don’t wanna have to miss parent teacher meetings or practice or the dam bus every morning bcz I am to dope sick to do shit I am posed to do. Plus it would be nice to have the extra cash so maybe my husband could stop working his life away bcz he can’t ever seem to get us ahead and can’t figure out why bcz at 21 he made 65 grand a year and our lifestyle and bills deff don’t amount to that. BUT my 140 or more a day habit sure helped reach that amount and quickly. So long story short I chose to change bcz I am just over it. I just never realized how hard it would be. I figured if I can just get through the hard part which to me was the withdraws that I was stupidly thinking took 3 to 4 days and then soon as those started to decline and eventually was gone altogether at around a week I would be done with it all and over it and using again wouldn’t be a issue for me bcz I am physically addicted to the shit not mentally. I mean I said I hated it and wanted to stop everyday right? WRONG!! Yea detox sucked and 3 and 4 days felt like it took more like 3 or 4 weeks but honestly I made it to day 7 and thought hey I am almost done now. I never knew about PAWS or the fact that I would have no energy, mood swings like crazy, and cravings so bad I could almost taste it. So me being very week and having no restraints convinced myself a 20 wouldn’t hurt. Well here I am almost on what should be day 21 for me sober and that one 20 just one time turned into a few 20’s every few days to I have gone thru 2 halves in 3 days and I am sure I am going to go back thru detox soon as I stop now and once again I am lying to Brian about money that now we really don't have bcz he was fired and even though they wouldn’t tell him why I am very sure its bcz of the time he has missed over the last few weeks trying to be a good husband and father helping me get better and this is how I repay him. I can admit tho I have tried very hard to tell him he’s better off to just leave me. I am a fuk up and probly always will be and I couldn’t even stay clean. But I guess I am gonna try it over again. This time I have a few subs and as bad as they scare me and I truly hate them I need something to decrease my symptoms bcz he is gonna be here and gonna wanna know why I am sick again. I gotta do this I want it so bad. I wish I could just move away or seriously go to jail for like a month. It’s crazy how bad I wanna stop but it’s like the only way it’s gonna happen is if I am REMOVED from normal life in such a manor that its impossible for me to get my hands on the shit. IDK but its late I am depressed and fighting with Brian bcz he suspects I am using bcz my mood changes when I get high and we fight more and I go like 100 mph and my voice raises so it’s kinda obvious but I am doing my best to keep it under control. Hopefully I can and get thru this again. I don’t think withdraws will be as bad as first time bcz its only been 3 days not months or years and for me this is a very small amount. I was needing almost 2 g’s a day at the end just to feel ok. So here’s hoping I guess. Wish me luck, if anyone’s reading. I'll be uploading all these soon. No internet is killing me.
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