This is another forgotten post. The one before this was from July 6th bt this one was actually written a few days before that one was. This one is from 7/3/2012. Its kinda funny to read where my thoughts and head was at that time.
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Life…Or something like it…
So it’s 2am and even tho I should probably be attempting to sleep or something “good” for myself as others see it I have the undeniable urge to write. I think the last time I wrote was on day 10 or 11. I am not to sure bcz I have no internet and the only time I can upload to my blog is when the wind blows just right and someone in the area is nice enough to have an UNSECURED wireless network. Either my “neighbors” have caught on and are kicking me off or securing their networks from the thieving anonymous person that likes to “borrow” the web for a few. The only other option is my My Touch and with 2G service uploading anything from it is about as tempting as going back to the “treatment” center I so lovingly ran from 2 days in. But again I had a purpose for writing and now I am just rambling about nothing. I do that a lot lately it seems. I’m new to this sobriety shit so not sure if its aside effect of cleaning up or if it’s the “real me” as everyone keeps saying about my NEW attitude or lack there of as I should say lol.
That’s a good starting point I guess. My newfound me. I am not the biggest fan of everyone saying “oh the new you is so ____ (enter some cheesy encouraging saying here). I mean obviously now that I am not loaded from the time my eyes open til they so lovingly nod off into oblivion at nighty night time I am obviously a more “normal” woman. We all know just what the shit does. It numbs you to core which is exactly why most of us do whatever it is we are doing. At least that’s been my experience. Granted I was not your typical junkie. My husband, family, friends even are all sober normal productive humans and the very idea of being on drugs of any kind let alone H is just taboo. I have no idea how the hell I managed to get such a phenomenal husband being in the deepest part of my addiction and not only did I snag him I actually managed to get him to fall in love with me and put a ring (a very nice one might I add) on my skinny ass finger lol. Now don’t get me wrong my husband is no lame that is strait edge and against drugs in general. He smokes and smokes a lot and in his world he rectifies it bcz he has a brain tumor and has had brain surgery at the age of 19. Yes by the way I am 29 and my husband just turned 21 in Feb. And for those of you who do not know me or him which I'm sure is everyone considering I don’t think ANYONE is even reading this dribble HA. BUT anyways I am not sure when or why or even how it happened but few years back I met my first husband (which is a whole other post that I will get into another day) I started dating younger, much younger guys. He was 5 yrs my youngster and after he died in 2010 I swore I would never be with another younger guy. It was just too much like having a grown man child. And maybe that’s exactly why I like younger guys. It pokes at my need to fix things and being needed and caring and all that other psych babble and I am sure there is some truth in the matter bcz I am sure I have daddy issues and blah blah blah. But anyways I met Brian and when found out his age 19 at the time and me 27 I figured hey he lives like a building over from my apt, he has a job, he has a car (I did not), and dammit he was so cute I giggled like a school girl every time we talked.
Well the rest was history as they say. Here we are 2 years later and we are living the American Dream as some would say. Not to sure whose DREAM this is but I would call it more of a nightmare lol. Well not entirely a nightmare. There are many dreamy parts to our lives. He is safe, stable, and loyal to a fault, caring, honest, great provider and many other good things that I can’t say about myself. I got him and he got me. Wonder who got the short end of the stick in that deal??? Him you say? Well your god dam right him. I am a bitch almost 24/7 and mostly not a ranting in your face fuck you bitch but just I am right about everything and you are wrong, my way or no way, and I dare you to tell me no bcz if you really piss me off I will make your day, life a living hell kind of bitch. I am also a liar not really big lies mostly lil shit like I am going to the grocery store when in reality I am going to cop my shit for the day. Now one thing I can say is I have been loyal to him except once in the first few weeks of our relationship which by the way I ended up prego and for the 9 months til she was born had no clue if she was going to come out white like my then husband or mixed like my 3 year old and look just like her dad. Who by the way will get his own entire post at some point as well. That’s 10 years of my life that I wudn trade but at the same time wish I could of condensed it down to more like 5 and moved on from him sooner. But in my addict brain he was/is like a drug and I was beyond addicted to him and his sensational uh “love shot” lol that no matter what I couldn’t give him up. The withdraws from him were almost as painful and unbearable as H was to kick. And again like H I kept going back for just a taste. With a 20 here and a 30 there and then 40 and b4 you know it your back up to life fucking amounts.
So ok now that I have somehow rambled in a full circle and reached the point I was going to write about in the first place lol I will start on another post tomorrow bcz its now 230 and my adorable husband is so nicely licking my neck and breasts that I think writing is going to become pretty difficult to do or at the very least be very difficult for anyone that ever decides to actually read my boring life on paper or pixels I should say. See no sense is coming from my brain now bcz I can think of one thing….him inside me. Goodnight girls and boys. More to come soon. I gotta make sure I get myself out there right. I want anyone that stops by to know just who they are wasting there minutes reading about.
Oh sober sex is so much better then I ever thought it would be…..just saying!! :)~
Hey Angel,
ReplyDeleteBeen thinking about you since your email...I hope your doing okay.
Hello Summer! I am sory I havnt had a chance to respond to the email you wrote back to me I have just had so much going on. I have actually read the email a few times and ievery time I read it it touches my heart. It stunns me that a total stranger took the time to not only respond to me but genuinly have some concern. I wish so badly I could have ppl in my everyday life that would give me just a fraction of what you did in that one simple email and this one tiny lil comment. O well I cant expect much I suppose. I have created most of the darkness in my life however a nice chunk of it I was sadly born into. I would love nothing more then to say things were going well for me but at this time things couldnt be farther from good. I managed to stay clean for almost an entire week but once again my reality slammed me with yet again more stress and heartache and I just dont have the support or strength to handle these things sober. I did what I know how to do best and numbed it all with my old friend H. Tomorrow I am once again going to attempt to stop. I have gotten a few suboxin to help me thru the worst part of the detox stage and then once again I am going to try very hard to stay that way. I guess only time will tell. Its just so frustrating that I want so desperatly to be clean I am even able to obtain days at a time clean I just dont have the support or resources needed to maintain that sobriety. I guess I am just going to keep trying and pray that one of these times I win and just pray tht if I do stray again that it wont be the one time to many and obtain the sobriety I desperatly want by the worst way...death. I have no intentions of hurting myself and my useing is actually much less then my normal but I just have this inner voice that keeps repeating that if I dont get this right one of these times I am going to lose and then I wont ever have the chance to win. Sad but honest. I hope all is well your way. I honestly wish I could tell your son how lucky he is to have at least 1 person like you in his life. I will keep you both in prayers and hopefully one day you will get your son back to you.
DeleteOh Angel, I'm sorry your having such a rough go of it. I have been thinking of you often and was worried when I saw you hadn't posted anything on your blog recently. Please don't beat yourself up. Your still here and that's what is important. And as long as you are with us....there will always be hope!
DeleteI wish I had some magic words to give you to help you in your journey. I see the horrible struggle my son faces on a daily basis and I would never wish that on anyone. The one thing I know for sure is that you can't do this alone. You are a very special young woman and whatever has happened in your past....well, I pray you can somehow let all the hurts go and find a way to heal. You deserve that! You deserve sobriety! You are worth it, Angel.
Thank you for your kind words about my son...and for your prayers. He has big decisions ahead of him and I hope and pray he makes the right ones.
No worries about not emailing, I'm just glad your okay...or as okay as you can be under the circumstances. You know where to find me if you want to chat or just feel the need to vent. You will continue to be in my thoughts and prayers.
Big hugs to you,
Summer