Thursday, June 21, 2012
Here it goes...
I guess ill start by saying who I am. My name is angel nd im 29 mom, wife, and firsta junkie. I have so much inside that if it doesn't cum out ima flip. Ive used every drug since I was 19 and been un and out of rehab, out patient, detox, physc wards, icu for od's. And til recently I didnt care not did I car if I died or stopped using. Things have changed tho. I got married, bought my first house(well he did) nd am trying to raise 4 beautiful girls. Wat a shitty break they got huh. Husband had no clue I was a freakin dope feign nd my kids kno mommy needs meds to be not sick so we can just go to park. Sad so effed up nd sad.
Well within the last few months ive not spiraled but free fell down a horrible hole of all consuming heroin.that's all I cared about nd stopped trying to even hide it or keep up appearances. I hit my so called "rock bottom" about 2 weeks ago. I tried with no success to kill my self. Husband stopped the first one nd apparently the freakin pole I chose to ram my car into was apparently not strong enough to do wat I needed or shud say really desperstly wanted it to do.
So here I sit after a 2 day stint in detox nd saying scree this I came home nd was determined to get clean. This is my first attempt since finding my best friend nd lover H. Its like a warm fuzzy hug no matter when where or why. It always understands. But im on day 7 and im not feeling to bad. Restless legs no sleep til I got ahold of sum benzos last night nd finally got 7 hrs of sleep.
But my problem is depression, anxiety, nd of course my ever dying love nd craving for my doc. Its so close but so far nd I kno if giving the situation I wud be done nd used. Thankfully ive kinda stander myself nd have no way to get anything. I gotta do this or ima die nd I kno deep inside sumwhete I truly dont wanna die yet.
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You could think about getting a methdone scipt I can't believe I am actually saying this, considering how much I hate that stuff... but it IS better than nothing and at the very worst it should save you one hit a day... worth thinking about...
ReplyDeleteI don't get the system in America where you have to pay several hundred dollars to a dr. for a Suboxone script or something like $15 a day to a methadone clinic... if you DO have to pay for methadone, the alternative could be to cut down the heroin to $15 a day... which is far easier said than done, I know
the only DSM diagnostic criteria I ever met slap bang full on seemed to be the addiction ones
•Loss of control: The individual either repeatedly uses more opioids than planned or uses the opioids over longer periods of time than planned.
•Inability to stop using: The individual has either unsuccessfully attempted to cut down or stop using the opioids or has a persistent desire to stop using.
Story of my life...
One thing that is good (though far from perfect and you'll always meet the odd arsehole there) is NA and the best thing about them is they're FREE!
Take care :-)
Well as far as methadone goes were I live yu can only get it from a clinic and pay some odd amount a day and that wud be fine and cheaper and less illegal then driving to the freakin ghetto everyday to meet my Guy BUT where I live there are no clinics. I honestly kno of none in my surrounding area. Considering im in no where ville KY its not very shocking. The only real option is suboxin or suburex that cost 400 for first visit plus 11 a piece from the pharmacy nd considering they wanna put me on 3 a day its almost cheaper to buy dope. And less of a pain in my ass. As it stands I have deff relapsed by all definition of the word. At first I was doing good made it an entire week then I did a 20. That became a 20 every 4 or 5 days then last Tuesday it became a half that I of course did in one night nd havnt stopped since. Now as of tomor I am outta secret funds nd am gonna have ni way to get any and I of course pushed bak my dr apt bcz I was feeling just fine. So now I dont kno ways gonna happen. I assume ill start withdraws again bd once everyone catches on I am sick again but shudn be considering I have supposedly been clean for over 3 weeks I can say im pretty much screwed. Guess its wat I get for lying to those I love but they just dont get how hard this is to do specialy cold Turkey. Sorry but I really think its pretty much impossible without the help of something to taper you down. I do go to meetings. Sometimes they are good but most the time its a bunch of ppl that are high as a kite doing the meetings their drug court has ordered. Not much help there. Sorry to sound so pissy just havin one of those days nd im irritated bcz
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