Learning Patience is testing my PATIENCE LOL

So ok I had 1 month sober on March 21st so I have approx. 6 weeks clean and sober or close to 6 wks. Honestly I stopped "counting" when I hit 1 month. I feel like "counting" kinda puts me at risk of tripping myself up bcz Ive caught myself thinking oh well I haven't used in X amount of days and if I do it just once I wont go back into WD's and I wont restart having to have it when I wake up the next morning it would just be once. Well we all know me deffinatly, that "just once" is NEVER "just once". Yea it might be "just once" that time but it quickly turns into once a week then once every few days then only 2 days in a row then 3 then well ive used X amount of days in a row so I cant stop bcz I'll have some WD's so Ill use til I get a sub then I'll stop and before you know it its months later and your addiction is twice as bad as it was before you stopped for however long and your more depressed and angry than ever bcz you had actually made it so many days clean and for me if I went back after being sober for aproxx 6 wks I would be so devastated I would probably end up killin myself bcz I wud be so angry at myself bcz no doubt I wud end up losing everything again and this time I wud lose it all for good. So yup Im still clean and doing opretty dam good. Working and we started our own cleaning company. Right now we only have 2 contracts cleaning 2 daycares but its an extra 1200 a month plus we both work and I get money from going to school and I get benefits from my first husbands death so I must say financially our life is pretty dam good. Specially when I am not blowing stupid amounts of money on dope. Its so nice being able to go buy my kids easter dresses and not be anxious bcz I am counting out how much dope I could of got with that money. I see things so diff now days. I like spending money on real things and oaying bills. I gotta say maybe I don't believe in all the cliché ways of getting treatment but I am a firm believer in the cliché that changing your self and your lifestyle is a big factor in getting and staying clean. You cant just stop using and everything gets better. No you have to actually change things in order to get better and stay better. Also it takes time. The old saying that you didn't become the addict you became over night so don't expect to become the normal person you used to be or might even be better than you used to be over night. IT ALL TAKES TIME!! you put in the time to get your addiction to the level you had gotten it to so quit your bitchin and put in the time to become the productive happy "normal" person your striving to become again. Well time to go. Husband just got up, he had a double yesterday and we are both off today and girls are at school so we are gonna spend some mommy daddy time together and enjoy this beautiful sunny day we are havin bcz god knows its the first weve had in a very long time. The weather has just been grey and gloomy and wet and FREAKIN COLD for what seems like FOREVER here so this nice sunny warm by comparison weather weve had the last few days and today and according to the weather guy gonna have for the next several days is not something to be wasted by sittin inside. Hope everyone is doing well.