This is my journey through the roads filled with pot holes that hopefully lead to recovery. I have battled addiction in general for over 15 years and it has all lead to my hardest and final battle yet, Heroin. Over the years I've had no issues getting and staying off whatever drug I fancied at the moment. With H it's a whole other game I am playing and quite frankly I can't tell weather I am losing or winning. Failure is not an option at this point.
Wednesday, April 17, 2013
Struggling. . Does it EVER go away??
So for the most part the few months sober has been pretty easy on the scale of things. Now when I say easy I mean that I have been able to talk myself down on the days the cravings get bad and remind myself of what I would be giving up if I did it "just once". But I gotta say this last week or so that little voice has somehow broken open the lock on his door and has poked his head out several times and I have this horrible dread feeling deep inside bcz I have found myself contemplating the "just once" idea on a more frequent basis AND finding myself having a very hard time talking myself down. I have gone so far as to text one of my old regular guys that by the way is the WORST dope boy in the game. He never had good shit it was never weighed right AND he seemed to form relationships with the few ppl he served. He used to tell me all the time to quit that I shudn be doin this shit and I was to pretty to be a junkie and that if I would quit he would make me his girl in a heartbeat. He used to just give me shit for free and didn't ever make me pay him back he fronts ppl and never gets paid back and he just cares to much to be a dope boy but hey that's on him not on me but I used to find myself texting him just to talk. I think if I wasn't trying to fix my marriage I probly would have pursued a relationship with him bcz we did genuinely like each other. But I am getting off topic. I keep coming up with all te reasons why just once would be ok. Obviously by now I don't have many withdraw symptoms going on. I still get the sneeze attacks but not as often. I still get random attacks of the electric crawling skin but on a much weaker scale and I still cant sleep right without some kind of sleeping aid that's over the counter and still then some nights I am lucky if I get 4 hours a good sleep BUT slowly its all going away and I am slowly getting better. My body is showing signs of returning to normal as well. I have gained some much needed weight back. I deff eat wayyyy more than I have in the last 2 or 3 years. I actually eat breakfast now and lunch and dinner and usually snacks in between lol. Ever since I started working I am finding myself naturally sleepy by 10 at night. Still gotta take the unisom to get a full nights sleep without waking up 30 diff times and flip flopping all over the place. And the biggest sign my body is healing and returning to normal is my female functions have returned and are on a regular time table once again. And I gotta say I deff didn't MISS dealing with that once a month BUT it did make me feel really good about myself and was kinda an award from my body to me for doing so well when the second month in a row I was visited by my monthly friend bcz I gotta say the last time I had it twice in a row was well over 3 yrs ago almost. Probly right before I got prego with my youngest and ever since I was prgo then I got on that shit I have maybe had 4 in almost 3 years not counting these last 2 months. But now im havin 2 in a row. Its kinda like the last piece of my body puzzle but yet I cant help wanting to do it just once. And I keep telling myself once wouldn't restart it all over and I would have wd's from just once and I wouldn't automatically have that habit again but I know it wud never be just once bcz its gonna feel to good bcz im not sick now and ill get that euphoric high I used to get in the beginning tht made me fall in love with it so much and that I know is the dangourus part of JUST ONCE. Im gonna keep trying to push that bitch back in her room and padlock that door back like she was for the last few months. The longer she stays padlocked in her lil room the stronger I get and the weaker she gets. I need her to get so week shes dam near dead. I wanna keep my life going in this direction. I don't wanna be a slave to that or anything else ever again. I wish I had a better support system. The only person I have to talk to in my real life is my therapist and she has never had a drug problem let alone a dope problem so while she is a great therapist she doesn't get where im coming from and any of the ppl I know that actually know where im coming from are still deep in there own addictions and would be like sober suicide for me to talk to them. I have a great husband but I cant even say I was a junkie or look at my scars without him getting pissed or sayin something shitty like I disgust him and then feeling bad and sayin sorry and sayin im sorry its just it pisses me off so bad that theres this whole part of you that I don't know and will never know or understand and when you talk about it it just upsets me and I don't mean to say nasty things to you but it just pisses me off. And I get that it hurt him and made him angry but I don't get how he cant talk to me about it bcz if it was turned around the other way I would have been there for him way more and way better than he was for me. Considering he literally packed up and walked out the door the moment he found out and we didn't fix things until I came back in feb so almost 6 months and he just left me out on the street with nothing and no one and didn't care what happened. We went lengthy time periods without speaking and for all he knew I was dead. I just don't get how he could be that way. He still refuses to try and learn about addiction and about my addiction and how to support me without saying its ok and enabling me. But everyone is diff I suppose and we grew up in very diff lives and very diff classes. He was from a very well to do upper middle class family and I was from poverty and had a very effed up family. His parents are still married and that is just odd to me bcz I don't know anyone that's not divorced specialy in my family lol. Well time to get my girls ready for baths then bed bcz we gotta get up at 530 and go to school for them and work for me and my husband and I work both jobs tomorrow so I will be cleaning toilets lol from 7am until about 9 or 10n pm tomorrow night. Owell its a job and its better than sitting idle bcz my mind in idle time woulda dove head first into just once a while ago working helps keep me from being alone with that little bitch in my head and wears her down and hopefully back into her room so I can put a big ass padlock on it this time.