Struggling. . Does it EVER go away??

So for the most part the few months sober has been pretty easy on the scale of things. Now when I say easy I mean that I have been able to talk myself down on the days the cravings get bad and remind myself of what I would be giving up if I did it "just once". But I gotta say this last week or so that little voice has somehow broken open the lock on his door and has poked his head out several times and I have this horrible dread feeling deep inside bcz I have found myself contemplating the "just once" idea on a more frequent basis AND finding myself having a very hard time talking myself down. I have gone so far as to text one of my old regular guys that by the way is the WORST dope boy in the game. He never had good shit it was never weighed right AND he seemed to form relationships with the few ppl he served. He used to tell me all the time to quit that I shudn be doin this shit and I was to pretty to be a junkie and that if I would quit he would make me his girl in a heartbeat. He used to just give me shit for free and didn't ever make me pay him back he fronts ppl and never gets paid back and he just cares to much to be a dope boy but hey that's on him not on me but I used to find myself texting him just to talk. I think if I wasn't trying to fix my marriage I probly would have pursued a relationship with him bcz we did genuinely like each other. But I am getting off topic. I keep coming up with all te reasons why just once would be ok. Obviously by now I don't have many withdraw symptoms going on. I still get the sneeze attacks but not as often. I still get random attacks of the electric crawling skin but on a much weaker scale and I still cant sleep right without some kind of sleeping aid that's over the counter and still then some nights I am lucky if I get 4 hours a good sleep BUT slowly its all going away and I am slowly getting better. My body is showing signs of returning to normal as well. I have gained some much needed weight back. I deff eat wayyyy more than I have in the last 2 or 3 years. I actually eat breakfast now and lunch and dinner and usually snacks in between lol. Ever since I started working I am finding myself naturally sleepy by 10 at night. Still gotta take the unisom to get a full nights sleep without waking up 30 diff times and flip flopping all over the place. And the biggest sign my body is healing and returning to normal is my female functions have returned and are on a regular time table once again. And I gotta say I deff didn't MISS dealing with that once a month BUT it did make me feel really good about myself and was kinda an award from my body to me for doing so well when the second month in a row I was visited by my monthly friend bcz I gotta say the last time I had it twice in a row was well over 3 yrs ago almost. Probly right before I got prego with my youngest and ever since I was prgo then I got on that shit I have maybe had 4 in almost 3 years not counting these last 2 months. But now im havin 2 in a row. Its kinda like the last piece of my body puzzle but yet I cant help wanting to do it just once. And I keep telling myself once wouldn't restart it all over and I would have wd's from just once and I wouldn't automatically have that habit again but I know it wud never be just once bcz its gonna feel to good bcz im not sick now and ill get that euphoric high I used to get in the beginning tht made me fall in love with it so much and that I know is the dangourus part of JUST ONCE. Im gonna keep trying to push that bitch back in her room and padlock that door back like she was for the last few months. The longer she stays padlocked in her lil room the stronger I get and the weaker she gets. I need her to get so week shes dam near dead. I wanna keep my life going in this direction. I don't wanna be a slave to that or anything else ever again. I wish I had a better support system. The only person I have to talk to in my real life is my therapist and she has never had a drug problem let alone a dope problem so while she is a great therapist she doesn't get where im coming from and any of the ppl I know that actually know where im coming from are still deep in there own addictions and would be like sober suicide for me to talk to them. I have a great husband but I cant even say I was a junkie or look at my scars without him getting pissed or sayin something shitty like I disgust him and then feeling bad and sayin sorry and sayin im sorry its just it pisses me off so bad that theres this whole part of you that I don't know and will never know or understand and when you talk about it it just upsets me and I don't mean to say nasty things to you but it just pisses me off. And I get that it hurt him and made him angry but I don't get how he cant talk to me about it bcz if it was turned around the other way I would have been there for him way more and way better than he was for me. Considering he literally packed up and walked out the door the moment he found out and we didn't fix things until I came back in feb so almost 6 months and he just left me out on the street with nothing and no one and didn't care what happened. We went lengthy time periods without speaking and for all he knew I was dead. I just don't get how he could be that way. He still refuses to try and learn about addiction and about my addiction and how to support me without saying its ok and enabling me. But everyone is diff I suppose and we grew up in very diff lives and very diff classes. He was from a very well to do upper middle class family and I was from poverty and had a very effed up family. His parents are still married and that is just odd to me bcz I don't know anyone that's not divorced specialy in my family lol. Well time to get my girls ready for baths then bed bcz we gotta get up at 530 and go to school for them and work for me and my husband and I work both jobs tomorrow so I will be cleaning toilets lol from 7am until about 9 or 10n pm tomorrow night. Owell its a job and its better than sitting idle bcz my mind in idle time woulda dove head first into just once a while ago working helps keep me from being alone with that little bitch in my head and wears her down and hopefully back into her room so I can put a big ass padlock on it this time.

Learning Patience is testing my PATIENCE LOL

So ok I had 1 month sober on March 21st so I have approx. 6 weeks clean and sober or close to 6 wks. Honestly I stopped "counting" when I hit 1 month. I feel like "counting" kinda puts me at risk of tripping myself up bcz Ive caught myself thinking oh well I haven't used in X amount of days and if I do it just once I wont go back into WD's and I wont restart having to have it when I wake up the next morning it would just be once. Well we all know me deffinatly, that "just once" is NEVER "just once". Yea it might be "just once" that time but it quickly turns into once a week then once every few days then only 2 days in a row then 3 then well ive used X amount of days in a row so I cant stop bcz I'll have some WD's so Ill use til I get a sub then I'll stop and before you know it its months later and your addiction is twice as bad as it was before you stopped for however long and your more depressed and angry than ever bcz you had actually made it so many days clean and for me if I went back after being sober for aproxx 6 wks I would be so devastated I would probably end up killin myself bcz I wud be so angry at myself bcz no doubt I wud end up losing everything again and this time I wud lose it all for good. So yup Im still clean and doing opretty dam good. Working and we started our own cleaning company. Right now we only have 2 contracts cleaning 2 daycares but its an extra 1200 a month plus we both work and I get money from going to school and I get benefits from my first husbands death so I must say financially our life is pretty dam good. Specially when I am not blowing stupid amounts of money on dope. Its so nice being able to go buy my kids easter dresses and not be anxious bcz I am counting out how much dope I could of got with that money. I see things so diff now days. I like spending money on real things and oaying bills. I gotta say maybe I don't believe in all the cliché ways of getting treatment but I am a firm believer in the cliché that changing your self and your lifestyle is a big factor in getting and staying clean. You cant just stop using and everything gets better. No you have to actually change things in order to get better and stay better. Also it takes time. The old saying that you didn't become the addict you became over night so don't expect to become the normal person you used to be or might even be better than you used to be over night. IT ALL TAKES TIME!! you put in the time to get your addiction to the level you had gotten it to so quit your bitchin and put in the time to become the productive happy "normal" person your striving to become again. Well time to go. Husband just got up, he had a double yesterday and we are both off today and girls are at school so we are gonna spend some mommy daddy time together and enjoy this beautiful sunny day we are havin bcz god knows its the first weve had in a very long time. The weather has just been grey and gloomy and wet and FREAKIN COLD for what seems like FOREVER here so this nice sunny warm by comparison weather weve had the last few days and today and according to the weather guy gonna have for the next several days is not something to be wasted by sittin inside. Hope everyone is doing well.

I'm BAAAACKKKKK. . . . .

Hello Everyone!!! Lol i say that like anyone out there in cyber land has actually wondered about lil ole me and or missed me because I am important right?? Uh well I am important but I sum how do NOT think I have been MISSED on Blogger by any means lol. But on the off chance anyone has been wondering about me and thought I had finally OD'd and have gone on to the fire pits of hell because lets face up til about 3 months ago Heaven was just not in the cards for this Angel lol. Well in Dec i went to the rehab I had gone to back when I was 23 and had a lot of success with it back then and I had been saying since I "tried" to start getting clean back in June that if only I could go to Falmouth then I knew I would be able to finally quit. Well it sounded good and I was super excited and felt all determined when I finally got accepted and sent down the first of Dec. I was there for a whole 3 days and then I left broke into my mailbox (because I didn't have the key and there was NO WAY my husband was gonna give me the key after I walked outta rehab after 3 days and wanted $500 in checks I had in the mailbox so I could leave with my two new guy friends from rehab that left with me to go get a LOT of dope and blow my money that my husband was depending on to pay opur bills) and then proceeded to get $300 worth of dope and new rigs and then TOTALLY lose conciousness and get robbed for the rest of the money and robbed for a WHOLE lot more from myself from my two new rehab friends. Deff were NOT friends!!! I was robbed, raped by both, and best of all for wat ever reason they didnt think robbing me and raping me while i was knocked out cold and NOT RESISTING AT ALL to burn me with cigarettes in multiple places. Several burns were so bad I had to get medical attention becasue they ended up getting severely infected and were burned down to the actual muscle or meat and I now have bad scars on my legs and hips. I do NOT understand ppl at all. But I have dealt with it accepted it and moved on from it. After that i was pretty much homeless and bounceing from one "friends" house to the next and paying for weeks in a hotel whenever I could afford to from then until the begining of Feb. During the middle of Jan me and my husband finally started speaking again and I started seein our daughter when he would allow me to, supervised of course so dont start freakin out all you crazies. Then the end of Jan my 5 year old's father decided he couldn't take care of her for me anymore and drove up from Florida and dropped her off to me with literally about 6 hours notice. Yea he called me when he was already on the road on his way to drop her to me not knowing if I even had a place for her to stay or a way to care for her and to his knowledge was very deep into my addiction. But i wasn't shocked because if I explained him you woulod understand but to explain hi8m would require a whole new blogg just on him alone lol. So when she got here luckily I had started to move in a better direction. My addiction was still bad but I had gotten a good job and was able to keep a roof over my head at the hotel I was working at and it was basically like a efficiancy apartment. So I had a kitchen @ beds and nice bathroom, cable, phone, heat & AC, free breakfast and plenty of food and even had clothes and toys for her and was allowed to take her to work with me and mine and my husbands relationship was getting better by the day. Now mind you i was lying to him and he was under the impression I was sober and had been since around mid dec. It was the only way to get him back in my life and get him to let me see my daughter and i wasnt lying about WANTING to be sober because I did BADLY and deep inside I knew the key for getting sober for me was him and my kids. They were going to be the ONLY thing that would EVER push me to just DO IT!! So begining of FEb he agreed to let me come home because I got fired becaus eI was accused of stealing and I wont lie I did and I did plan to pay it back 2 days later when I got paid but i got caught before I could and I got fired which I deserved becaus eI NEVER should of done what I did but thats what happend when you cant be sick in order to work and couldnt miss work or would lose roof and money so was kinda a catch 22. But he agreed to let me and my 5 yr old come home and thats when I decided this is it. I cant go home and use he will know and that will destroy everything I am trying to get back. So i got myself 2 suboxin and decided i would use those for the first couple days to lessin the sickness so he would know something was wrong and after that I would just stick to it. Well guys I am now VERY PROUD TO SAY....I HAVE BEEN CLEAN AND SOBER EVER SINCE!!! I go to counciling once a week, i see a dr to treat my PTSD and Bi-Polar and my HEp C that i caught because I was stupid. I am working as a housekeeper in a nursing home and the biggest news is I start back to college April 1st and in 18 months I will finally finish my Criminal Justice degree I started years ago and then I will also complete a certification as a Drug and Alcohol counciler becasue I have decided I am goinmt to turn this experince into something good. And I know better than anyone how BADLY people need people around here. Specially someone that UNDERSTANDS what they are giong thru becaus ethey were them once and I am proof positive that if you want it and with hard work and dedication YOU CAN GET YOUR LIFE BACK AND MOVE FORWARD!!! I am also proof that getting clean is NOT a ONE SIZE FITS ALL kinda deal and not EVERYONE needs inpatient rehab, intensive outpatient treatment, AA, NA, or whatever it is your not fond of. No I am proof that some people can do it THERE WAY and DO IT HOWEVER WORKS for THEM and I feel that THATS what should be encouraged and MY DREAM would be to open some kind of TREATMENT Center that is centered around treatment that the addict kinda plans and whatever there path that will work for them is then thats the kind of treatment we would provide for tghem. And it would be treatment BY EX_ADDCICTS!!!! So yes I have finally cleaned up and I am LOVING SOBRIETY!!! Everyday I wake up and life gets better and better. I wont lie and say everyday is easy bcz its not. I still dream some nights, crave some days, have triggers, get angry, and have lots of self work to do but everyday I get 1 day better and one more day free from being a slave to that evil shit. And my best accomplishment is I am re-marrying my husband and he has started to trust me agian. I look a THOUSAND times better and best of all on Tues I have court and I will officialy get my custody of my girls back and will no longer have CPS in my life and will be done and in there eyes "all better" and I can FINALLY be the great mom my girls deserve and I cant wait to be!!! Gotta go. Gotta cook dinner and do some house work and enjoy some time with the hubby before bed bcz I have a earmorning at 545 so i can put in another day at work and be a contributing part of my marriage and family!!! Hope you all are doing ok and everyone is finding their path watever that is. I will write again as soon as I can.

Dont get shit twisted!!!

You know I think its funny when people say things about things they have no actual idea of the truth of the situation WHATSOEVER!! It pisses me off to NO END when I get told I dont love my children bcz of my situation and everything I am battleing. Personally I dont care what anyone else thinks about me the only peoples opinions I do care about are my kids and my husband and the VERY VERY VERY FEW ppl in my life that are actually there and have been there to not fix my problems for me but support me emotionally and encourage me to find the right way and find my way back to the right path so that I CAN GET BETTER and I CAN BE THE MOTHER MY KIDS DESERVE!!! And im sorry but I think the fact that I AM THE ONE THAT ASKED THAT MY KIDS BE CARED FOR BY FAMILY until i was able to beat my addiction and I TOLD ON MY DAM SELF to SW nd Judge so that I could hopefully get the state and courts help to get into a place that would get me the treatment i needed. HOWEVER they didnt do anything to help me get treatment told me it was on me bcz I didnt have a CRIMINAL case. And actually they said they would RATHER i get on a methadone or suboxin program so basically trade one addiction for another???? Make any fukn sense to you???? Yes I have made some piss poor HORRIBLE bad SELFISH decisions BUT that DOES NOT MEAN i am a bad person or mother. When it comes to my childrens care and wellbeing my kids have always came first and NEVER WENT without anything. I took my kids all over and did everything with them. I took time everyday to teach them skills needed for commen sense and book smarts. My kids didnt teach themselves did they??? and I am pretty sure my kids have been with me their whole lives MINUS a few months couple years ago and the few months i have been battleing this shit. My kids were never abused physically, mentally, emotionally, verbally, NO WAY AT ALL!!! And I can garuntee you this that if any of my kids are asked they will all tell you I am teh best mommy ever and they love me to the sun the moon and all the stars and if made to choose between being with me or ANYONE ELSE IN THIS WORLD everyone of my kids would pick ME in a heartbeat and when leaving my kids they get upset. So tell me this if i am such a BAD MOTHER and didnt care for my kids at all and put my addiction before my kids and neglected my kids in any way I HIGHLY DOUBT that any one of them would be towards me in any way shape or form the way they are. No if my kids were used to me being a piece of shit absentee never there and when i am never interacted with them never did fun stuff with them never showered them with love never was THE MOTHER I REALLY FUKING AM parent to my kids then they would NOT give 2 shits when i left, they would be behind drastically developmentally, emotionally, physically. They would NOT want me over anyone else and they sure has hell would not be the BRIGHT, LOVING< SMART< CARING< KIND HEARTED< HAPPY< JOYFUL< WONDERFUL kisd that they are!!!!!!!!!! Well guess what all you nay sayers, doubters, put downers, talk shiters, haters haters haters. . . . .I AM CLEAN!!! I HAVE BEEN CLEAN FOR OVER 30 DAYS NOW AND I DID IT ON MY DAM OWN!!! I DIDNT NEED METHADONE OR SUBOXIN I DIDNT NEED 6 MONTHS OF INTENSIVE INPATIENT I DIDNT NEED 3 AA MEETINGS A DAY EVERYDAY I DIDNT NEED TO MOVE STATES AWAY. . . WHAT DID I NEED YOU ASK???? I NEEDED A SWIFT KICK IN THE GUT AND FOR REALITY TO SMACK SOME FUKN SENSE INTO ME. WHAT WAS THAT YOU SAY??? I LOST THE ONLY 5 PPL I CARE ABOUT BRIAN, ALEXA,KARMA,JAYLEN,BELLA AND I LOST EVERYTHING I HAD WORKED SO HARD TO OBTAIN AND WAS SO PROUD TO HAVE FINALLY MADE IT TO THE LIFE I HAD MADE IT TO. SO HOMELESS, FAMILY-LESS, CARLESS ,JOBLESS, FAITHLESS, AND SELFWORTHLESS AND I SAID I AM DONE. ALL THE SHIT I HAD BEEN FED IN "TREATMENTS" AFTER "TREATMENT" WAS MY DOWNFALL. THEY BEAT IT IN YOUR HEADTHAT ADDICTION IS AN ILLNESS THAT YOU CANT EVER BE "CURED" RELAPSE IS OK AND THE DRUG CONTROLS YOU. WELL THOSE WERE ALL THE THINGS THAT WERE KEEPING ME FROM BEING CLEAN AND STAYING CLEAN. I USED ALL THAT AS AN EXCUSE AND THE FACT THAT IT WAS EVERY PERSON IN MY LIFE THAT WASNT "SUPPORTING" ME LIKE "THEY SHOULD BE". I HAD ACTUALLY CONVINCED MYSELF THAT MY KIDS, THE ONES I RAISED, THE ONES I CARRIED, THE ONES THAT I LOVE MORE THAN LIFE ITS DAM SELF AND THAT ADORE ME MORE THAN ANYTHING AND ANYONE IN THE WORLD WERE BETTER OFF WITHOUT ME BCZ AT LEAST WITHOUT ME THEY DIDNT RUN THE RISK TO TURN OUT LIKE ME. WELL WRONG FOLKS. THEY ARE NOT BETTER OFF WITHOUT ME AND I AM NOT BETTER OFF JUST KILLING MYSELF WITH THIS ADDICTION. SO I SAID I AM DONE. AND FINALLY I WAS DOING IT FOR THE RIGHT REASON. FOR MYSELF AND NOT FOR ANYONE ELSE OR TO MAKE ANYONE ELSE HAPPY. SO GUESS WHAT IT WORKED. I AM CLEAN I HAVE BEEN CLEAN AND I WILL STAY CLEAN. AND TO EVERYONE THAT HAS NEGATIVE SHIT TO SAY AND WANTS TO SAY I AM A WORTHLESS MOM AND I DONT LOVE MY KIDS OR CARE ABOYT ANYONE BUT MY DAM SELF OR THAT MY KIDS ARE BETTER OFF WITHOUT ME WELL GUESS WHAT PRETTY SOON YOUR GONNA EAT YOUR DAM WORDS. WHY???? BECAUSE I AM CLEAN, I HAVE A GOOD FULL TIME JOB THAT I WORK HARD AT AND GET JOY OUTTA GOING TO WORK EVERYDAY AND SUPPORTING MYSELF AND BEING ABLE TO SUPPORT MY KIDS MYSELF AND SOON VERY SOON LIKE WITHIN A FEW WEEKS I WILL HAVE MY OWN PLACE WITH BEDROOMS FOR THE KIDS, A CAR, BACK IN SCHOOL TO FINISH MY DEGREE, AND GETTING THE COUNCILING I NEED TO FIX THE ROOT OF MY PROBLEMS AND NOT JUST NUMBING THEM OUT BY KILLING MYSELF A LIL EVERYDAY WITH A DRUG. SO THIS I SAY TO EVERYONE AND ITS A PROMISE. I WILL HAVE MY KIDS BACK AND I WILL KEEP ON STAYING SOBER AND CLEAN AND THIS NEW ANGEL IS HERE TO FUKN STAY AND AS FAR AS ANYONE THAT IS NOT PART OF THE VERY FEW PPL IN MY LIFE NOW AND HAS BEEN THRU THIS BATTLE I HAVE NO NEED FOR ANY OF YOU ONCE I GET OVER THIS LAST LIL HUMP AND START DOWN THE OTHER SIDE THE BRIGHTER SIDE THE ME AND MY GIRLS LIVE HAPPILY EVER AFTER SIDE. SO MY RANT IS NOW OVER. SORRY EVERYONE BUT IT ALL NEEDED TO BE SAID.