Miss Heroine

*~So now you've grown tired of grass,
LSD, goofballs, cocaine, and hash
And someone, pretending to be a true friend
Said "I'll introduce you to Miss Heroine"
Well honey, before you start fooling with me,
...

Just let me inform you of how it'll be
For I will seduce you and make you my slave
I've sent men much stronger than you to their graves
You think you could never become a disgrace
And end up addicted to poppy seed waste
So you'll start inhaling me one afternoon
Then you'll take me into your arms very soon
Once I have entered deep down in your veins
The craving will nearly drive you insane
You'll need lots of money as you have been told
For darling I'm much more expensive than gold
You'll swindle anyone just for a buck
You'll turn into something vile and corrupt
You'll mug and you'll steal for my narcotic charms
And feel contentment when I'm in your arms
The day you realize the monster you've grown
You'll solemnly swear to leave me alone
But the vomit, the cramp, your gut tied in a knot,
The jangled nerves screaming for just one more shot
The cold chills and hot sweats, the withdrawal pains
Can only be saved by my little white grains
There's no other way and no need to look
For deep down inside you know you're hooked
You'll desperately run to the pusher,
And just as I foretold
I know that you'll give me your body and soul
You'll give up your morals, your conscience, your heart
And you'll be mine, til death do us part~*

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Soul Searching

The last couple of days have been somwhat odd for me. I had attempted to once again stop using and once again life had other plans for me. Its like no matter how determined I am to stop and stay stopped life all of a sudden throws major curve balls my way. Another thing I noticed is the times that I wasnt willingly trying to stop but by a matter of being broke had no choice but to start the withdraw process and live thru the agony of my body emptying of all the plant matter that I have shoved into it and has slowly turned my cells from human to poppy based plant cells no one and I mean no onewould come thru. No matter what I did getting cash wasnt an option, I refuse to steal or pawn my things(at least until most recently), my guy had every reason why he couldnt front me, my very few user "friends" and babay dad wudn help me out, and subd werent around or I cudn afford any so I had no choice but to suffer thru until eventually I got money to get sum and stupidly start the cycle all over again. I recall a few times I had even gotten to like days 4 and maybe even longer and had actually started to feel a tiny bit better and somehoe I would get money and right across the river I would go. Talking to myself the entire time saying "why are you even going to get some. You know its just gonna start all over and you know its not gonna last you more then today and then in a day what are you gonna do?". I would then tell myself "well by the time I run out and start feeling shitty I will make sure I have money somehow or I will get a sub before thathappens. Ill plan ahead this time. No I will make sure it stretches out til watever day bcz whoever or watever is going to be on such and such day and Ill have however much money so Ill just do enough to keep from being sick til the". No matter what I would tell myself I couldnt stop myself from going to get it and I couldnt make myself stretch it out to prevent from being sick. No Ill admit that up until I actually kinda came clean to my husband and fam and freinds about my secret life and decided I was going to go to a treatment center that only lasted 2 whole days, I barly ever actually went without and was sick. Not until shit hit the fan and my husband lost his job and our financial situation was murdered did I really ever have to go without. I am kinda thankful tho that my husband lost his job and we were barly scraping by the last few months bcz had he not of lost his job and I had the access to the money I was used to my using would have been 100 times worse then it has been since I decided to get clean. My using was sparatic at first but slowly became an everyday thing and finally ended me back to where I am sick without it. HOWEVER my tolerence is much much lower somehow now. Before June I was doing at least a G a day now I am content with a $30 worth and can actualy stretch it for 2 days if I want. My withdraws are not nearly as agonising now either. But what I find funny or should I actually say aggrivating in a way is that everytime I decide I am going to just stop I am outta cash and I refuse to ask my dad and Ill get a sub or 2 and say Im just gonna take a half a day for a few days get thru the worst of the WD and then just stay clean and I am going to get my shit in order bcz if I dont I am serously about to lose the only thing I care about and need in my life, my girls. So Ill go a day or 2 maybe evern 3 pr 4 doing great on the subs and I am even string enough to ignore my guy when he'll txt and say flame is in or whatever. But usually byday 3 my lil asshole voice in my head starts up. God you know it would be nice to have some energy to get this or that done or go do sum fun stuff woth the girls. ANd Ill even be strong then and tell my voice well it would be nice but I am good. I have already taken sum subs and I am broke so no way to get any even if I tried. And BAM just like I subcontiously made a wish that was granted by the junky fairy and my phone will go off and low and behold it'll be my kids dad or a "friend" or my guy and its always an offer for free dope. No maybe if I was farther into my being clean and not on usually day 3 I would have the strength in me to tape that voices mouth shut and ignore the offer but no im only a few days in and before my voice can respond that tiny lil asshole voice replies and on my way I go to get sum even if its just one tiny line or shot or whatever and not even caring anymore what the requirments of myself are required to get the free dope. Then its over. After I have had a lil bit I have to have more. Its like I need as much as I can get to satisfy this internal itch and once I have satisfied that itch and done as much as I feel I wanted I am then once again able to speak and that asshole voice is nodded off in some dark junky corner of my fucked up brain. So once again I make all the well attempted plans to stop using again and stay clean. Then the cycle starts all over again. This last week its been a mixture of both of those things tho. Dope just being offered and sometimes for very not ok reasons, and I am very sad to say I have accepted and done some shit I am not even sure I an put on here bcz then I have to admit I did it and I am not sure I can do that. Take that and mix it with all the shitty things going on in my life and I just cant stop. I have full intentions of trying to stop again tomorrow and I know in my heart if I dont more then likely this time next week or maybe the following I will probly be writing my life is over bcz I have lost custody of my kids. Why isnt that scary enough to stop me????? WHAT IS WRONG WITH MY BRAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Well my sleeping meds are kicking in. Guess I am going to try to get some sleep before my girls wake me up early. I wanna try and spend as MUCH time with them as humanly possible on the chance the wrst happens.

Another forgotten post

This is another forgotten post. The one before this was from July 6th bt this one was actually written a few days before that one was. This one is from 7/3/2012. Its kinda funny to read where my thoughts and head was at that time.

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Life…Or something like it…

So it’s 2am and even tho I should probably be attempting to sleep or something “good” for myself as others see it I have the undeniable urge to write. I think the last time I wrote was on day 10 or 11. I am not to sure bcz I have no internet and the only time I can upload to my blog is when the wind blows just right and someone in the area is nice enough to have an UNSECURED wireless network. Either my “neighbors” have caught on and are kicking me off or securing their networks from the thieving anonymous person that likes to “borrow” the web for a few. The only other option is my My Touch and with 2G service uploading anything from it is about as tempting as going back to the “treatment” center I so lovingly ran from 2 days in. But again I had a purpose for writing and now I am just rambling about nothing. I do that a lot lately it seems. I’m new to this sobriety shit so not sure if its aside effect of cleaning up or if it’s the “real me” as everyone keeps saying about my NEW attitude or lack there of as I should say lol.

That’s a good starting point I guess. My newfound me. I am not the biggest fan of everyone saying “oh the new you is so ____ (enter some cheesy encouraging saying here). I mean obviously now that I am not loaded from the time my eyes open til they so lovingly nod off into oblivion at nighty night time I am obviously a more “normal” woman. We all know just what the shit does. It numbs you to core which is exactly why most of us do whatever it is we are doing. At least that’s been my experience. Granted I was not your typical junkie. My husband, family, friends even are all sober normal productive humans and the very idea of being on drugs of any kind let alone H is just taboo. I have no idea how the hell I managed to get such a phenomenal husband being in the deepest part of my addiction and not only did I snag him I actually managed to get him to fall in love with me and put a ring (a very nice one might I add) on my skinny ass finger lol. Now don’t get me wrong my husband is no lame that is strait edge and against drugs in general. He smokes and smokes a lot and in his world he rectifies it bcz he has a brain tumor and has had brain surgery at the age of 19. Yes by the way I am 29 and my husband just turned 21 in Feb. And for those of you who do not know me or him which I'm sure is everyone considering I don’t think ANYONE is even reading this dribble HA. BUT anyways I am not sure when or why or even how it happened but few years back I met my first husband (which is a whole other post that I will get into another day) I started dating younger, much younger guys. He was 5 yrs my youngster and after he died in 2010 I swore I would never be with another younger guy. It was just too much like having a grown man child. And maybe that’s exactly why I like younger guys. It pokes at my need to fix things and being needed and caring and all that other psych babble and I am sure there is some truth in the matter bcz I am sure I have daddy issues and blah blah blah. But anyways I met Brian and when found out his age 19 at the time and me 27 I figured hey he lives like a building over from my apt, he has a job, he has a car (I did not), and dammit he was so cute I giggled like a school girl every time we talked.

Well the rest was history as they say. Here we are 2 years later and we are living the American Dream as some would say. Not to sure whose DREAM this is but I would call it more of a nightmare lol. Well not entirely a nightmare. There are many dreamy parts to our lives. He is safe, stable, and loyal to a fault, caring, honest, great provider and many other good things that I can’t say about myself. I got him and he got me. Wonder who got the short end of the stick in that deal??? Him you say? Well your god dam right him. I am a bitch almost 24/7 and mostly not a ranting in your face fuck you bitch but just I am right about everything and you are wrong, my way or no way, and I dare you to tell me no bcz if you really piss me off I will make your day, life a living hell kind of bitch. I am also a liar not really big lies mostly lil shit like I am going to the grocery store when in reality I am going to cop my shit for the day. Now one thing I can say is I have been loyal to him except once in the first few weeks of our relationship which by the way I ended up prego and for the 9 months til she was born had no clue if she was going to come out white like my then husband or mixed like my 3 year old and look just like her dad. Who by the way will get his own entire post at some point as well. That’s 10 years of my life that I wudn trade but at the same time wish I could of condensed it down to more like 5 and moved on from him sooner. But in my addict brain he was/is like a drug and I was beyond addicted to him and his sensational uh “love shot” lol that no matter what I couldn’t give him up. The withdraws from him were almost as painful and unbearable as H was to kick. And again like H I kept going back for just a taste. With a 20 here and a 30 there and then 40 and b4 you know it your back up to life fucking amounts.

So ok now that I have somehow rambled in a full circle and reached the point I was going to write about in the first place lol I will start on another post tomorrow bcz its now 230 and my adorable husband is so nicely licking my neck and breasts that I think writing is going to become pretty difficult to do or at the very least be very difficult for anyone that ever decides to actually read my boring life on paper or pixels I should say. See no sense is coming from my brain now bcz I can think of one thing….him inside me. Goodnight girls and boys. More to come soon. I gotta make sure I get myself out there right. I want anyone that stops by to know just who they are wasting there minutes reading about.

Oh sober sex is so much better then I ever thought it would be…..just saying!! :)~

Figured I might as well put these up considering I took the time to write them and all

Ok so the next couple posts are actually ones that I wrote up way back when I started this blog, so around thThe only time I have written anythng thin the first few days to weeks after I left the treatment center I went to for all of 2 days and for the first time in a long time was attempting to stay clean and attempting to write about the experience. Years ago I actually wrote all the time. Some things were fiction but I wrote a lot of life experinec pieces and somehow some people actually thought my writings were good and to my amazment in the later years of highschool I actually won several awards and even had several of my writings published in several diff books, contests, etc. As I got older and my life spiraled outta control writing became less and less a part of my life. The only time I have written anything since around age 19 its only been in personal journals or letters to people trying to explain some part of something to them. I have a horribly hard time explaining anything to people out loud. My best form of communication is and has always been writing. Its like I can put things down on paper I didnt even know I could say. So I came across these saved on my laptop from back before my internet was hooked up. When I started this blog I was using my phone and it was very difficult to write anything worth a shit on my phone. Occasionally I could borrow someones unsecured wifi but after a few times getting lucky doing that I couldnt get anymore unsecured connections so I just started writing posts in Wrod and saving them and had full intentions of uplaoding them once my internet was up and running. Not sure how I forgot about them but guess since Ive found them now I might as well post them considering I took the time to write them at the time.

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7/6/2012 (original written date)

Family…Would love to have the kind that enjoys HELPING you not FUCKING you…raw and HARD!!!

  

So ok obviously Its been about 3 weeks since I decided that enough was enough and had my “rock bottom” event where I flipped out on Brian (my husband) bcz he wouldn’t give me enough money to get the shit I needed i.e. diapers, food, milk cigs, gas AND have the extra that I needed to get me at least a half bcz I had barley been getting a quarter of what I was used to getting a day and I knew within a VERY short period of time I was gonna start withdraws bad and my role in this sham of a suburban life is doting stay at home mom/wife and its very difficult to keep up that appearance and keep it up well when you feel like your about to die and just blinking hurts like you just got beat with a fukn tree. My biggest issue was how the hell am I supposed to take care of 4 kids ranging from age 10 (who mentally she acts more like 5 or 6 bcz her dad and his family who have raised her and had custody since she was 4 are fruit loops and have convinced this child she has panic attacks to the point they actually BUILT HER A FUKN PANIC ROOM when she was 8!!) 4, 3 and 1. Now I know most people are shaking their pretty little heads in disgust that I was high and in charge of small children. Let me tell you idiots something. Opiates of ANY kind do not make you incomapacitated like some other drugs do. Especially when you are taking just enough to maintain normalcy. I haven’t actually gotten high in a long time. For many months leading up to me losing it and coming clean and attempting sobriety I literally was just maintaining. Getting high or the rush of energy I used to get was not in the cards. Being dope sick was not an option foe me. I am the sole caregiver of the 3 youngest girls I have. My husband was working 6 sometimes 7 days a week and left at 9 am and most days didn’t get off and make it back home til at least 9pm. He had the rare occasion that he actually even got to see our kids. Usually it was right as he walked in the door and would get to say goodnight to them and then the one day he would get off if he didn’t sleep the entire day away and then use the remaining hours doing something like cutting the grass or fixing a car or something that “he only got one day off what do I expect him to do”. Whatever. I agree it was shitty that I had to have some drug to function like a “normal” person but at least I was a good mom. I did more for and with my kids then a lot of “normal” moms do that are totally sober. Everyday we had some kind of activity that we did. Ranging from going to a number of different parks, to the water park, to shopping, out to eat, chuckie cheese, and so much more. So trust me when I say my kids didn’t hurt for anything least of all love and attention. My girls have a very nice house, room, clothes, toys, and just about anything and everything they want. Any money I ever spent on my shit was money that was there for me to use for shit like my nails, hair, clothes and whatever. There were many a days that I had only enough to get diapers or whatever my girls needed and trust me I would be sick before I used any money needed for their stuff on my shit. Maybe I am not your typical junkie but no one is the same and we aren’t all prostitute thieves that nod out in a gas station bathroom with a needle stuck in our arm. Does that make what I did/do any better then the next Uh NO but it also does not warrant me being labeled a bad parent who doesn’t care for or about her kids. My kids are my world and while my DOC is deff or should I say was hi up on my list of favorites it never came before them. Now did it bump Brian down a notch yes at the end it did and it always came before my own self worth. But that’s not really to hard to do considering I hate myself and have for many many years. The ONE good thing I have EVER done is my kids and the proof is in them. All of my kids are above average on their smartness. My 1 year old who is now 14 months can speak in full sentences, my 3 year old has been potty trained since before she was 2 and my 5 year old can figure things out that most adults have issues doing. I am now done speaking about them. I don’t really want them to be tied to a blog about my drug use and anything related. I just wanna make it very clear I still consider myself a good mother. I haven’t had my kids taken or anything like that and as for me deciding to go to treatment to detox and trying very hard to get sober that was all MY CHOICE. There was no outside influence or agency giving me ultimatums that I had to get clean or else. No I am 29 years old, have 4 great kids 3 of which are about to be in school and sports and stuff like that and I have an amazing husband who kills his self to ensure we have the bet life possible. I chose to be honest and seek help because I wanna give them all the best of me that I can and I don’t wanna have to miss parent teacher meetings or practice or the dam bus every morning bcz I am to dope sick to do shit I am posed to do. Plus it would be nice to have the extra cash so maybe my husband could stop working his life away bcz he can’t ever seem to get us ahead and can’t figure out why bcz at 21 he made 65 grand a year and our lifestyle and bills deff don’t amount to that. BUT my 140 or more a day habit sure helped reach that amount and quickly. So long story short I chose to change bcz I am just over it. I just never realized how hard it would be. I figured if I can just get through the hard part which to me was the withdraws that I was stupidly thinking took 3 to 4 days and then soon as those started to decline and eventually was gone altogether at around a week I would be done with it all and over it and using again wouldn’t be a issue for me bcz I am physically addicted to the shit not mentally. I mean I said I hated it and wanted to stop everyday right? WRONG!! Yea detox sucked and 3 and 4 days felt like it took more like 3 or 4 weeks but honestly I made it to day 7 and thought hey I am almost done now. I never knew about PAWS or the fact that I would have no energy, mood swings like crazy, and cravings so bad I could almost taste it. So me being very week and having no restraints convinced myself a 20 wouldn’t hurt. Well here I am almost on what should be day 21 for me sober and that one 20 just one time turned into a few 20’s every few days to I have gone thru 2 halves in 3 days and I am sure I am going to go back thru detox soon as I stop now and once again I am lying to Brian about money that now we really don't have bcz he was fired and even though they wouldn’t tell him why I am very sure its bcz of the time he has missed over the last few weeks trying to be a good husband and father helping me get better and this is how I repay him. I can admit tho I have tried very hard to tell him he’s better off to just leave me. I am a fuk up and probly always will be and I couldn’t even stay clean. But I guess I am gonna try it over again. This time I have a few subs and as bad as they scare me and I truly hate them I need something to decrease my symptoms bcz he is gonna be here and gonna wanna know why I am sick again. I gotta do this I want it so bad. I wish I could just move away or seriously go to jail for like a month. It’s crazy how bad I wanna stop but it’s like the only way it’s gonna happen is if I am REMOVED from normal life in such a manor that its impossible for me to get my hands on the shit. IDK but its late I am depressed and fighting with Brian bcz he suspects I am using bcz my mood changes when I get high and we fight more and I go like 100 mph and my voice raises so it’s kinda obvious but I am doing my best to keep it under control. Hopefully I can and get thru this again. I don’t think withdraws will be as bad as first time bcz its only been 3 days not months or years and for me this is a very small amount. I was needing almost 2 g’s a day at the end just to feel ok. So here’s hoping I guess. Wish me luck, if anyone’s reading. I'll be uploading all these soon. No internet is killing me.